There. I said it. I want to stop using.

I don’t like to post twice in a day. But I’m going to post this anyways… I feel like I can’t breathe.

I’m scared to want to stop. I’m scared because I know I need it. I’m scared because it gives me a handle on life. I’m scared. I don’t feel scared. I know I am scared. Argh. Stop talking about feelings because then I think I’m lying.

I want to stop. I think it’s destroying me. Although I want the destruction, I wonder if there is any part that doesn’t. Because today I actually want to stop.

I don’t know how it’s possible. I don’t have the help or support I need.

Talking about trying. I’ve been trying. By trying I mean that I’ve been trying to get the help. By trying I mean I’ve been trying to get what I need. I’ve been trying to change it around. And…

I don’t know if I really have been trying. For there is do or don’t. There is no ‘try’. And how can I say I’ve been trying if at the end of the day I’m using and not eating.

Oh, I don’t want to eat more. One problem that will come up is that part of why I’m even eating all that I am is that I’ve been using and know I need to habe food to absorb it for it not to kill me.

Random question to myself. Why have I had to literally force myself to eat anything at all these past couple days when I’m away, when I’m okay, calm – it’s really good to be away, more than just good. It’s amazing to have space away from home. Space. Just space to be myself. Space to be.

Continuing on from that it’s interesting for me to see that there’s still the self harm and self destruction. Even when I’m away.

Actually, this is an edit, that’s not completely true. Now that I’m away, I may have bought loads (to use) and I’m finding it really hard to eat (or sleep). I mean, even though there is lotsa self destruction, I want to stop using. Using is a risk, and I don’t want that kinda risk factor. So even if there’s lotsa self destruction, there’s also less. (Why can’t I be away always????? I don’t mean as in running away. Living at home, in the community I live in, just really isn’t good for me. I don’t see another option. But that’s not for this).

I want to stop using. I don’t know what to do with that…… but there. I’ve said it. And yes, saying it is scary…… it’s terrifying to admit it to myself. Terrifying to acknowledge it. I know that 2 months ago I didn’t think I’d ever be using again. I thought it was passed. Yet now I don’t know who I am without it. Am I? As in, am I anything at all without it? Not asking without self destruction for, for that’s there, that is, and whatever. Not discussing that. So yeah. I kinda really want to stop using. And I’m making it real by saying it….. and I’m going to have to act on it really soon if I want it to happen. And I want to cry. I feel like I’m standing at the edge of a cliff.

What if I fall? Oh my darling what if you fly
What if I fall? Oh, my darling, what if you fly?
What if I fall? Oh, my darling, what if you FLY?
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65 thoughts on “I want to stop using.”

  2. I’m not sure what it is that you want to stop using. Like quitting alcohol? Food addiction? Some kind of other addiction? Cigarettes? From what I gather it sounds like an addiction… but I really don’t know so I’m sorry for my ignorance.

    Quitting anything we held onto for so long is hard, especially when that thing brings us comfort. Sugar does that for me. Sugar is “my thing.” It’s destroying my body but I find it incredibly difficult to quit.

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    1. I’ve been using. Yes it’s an addiction. Maybe? It’s self destruction. Carries the risk of destruction way more than not eating. I try not to write too many details where possible. On enough posts here I’ve gone into real detail. And I don’t want to trigger others if I don’t have to.

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      1. That’s understandable. I was curious if it was substance use. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with self-harm and hope you can find some peace and comfort in a less destructive activity. I suggest replacing the behaviour with something else that brings you joy. Like a hot cup of tea or a warm, soothing coffee, a hot bath etc. idk why hot things are comforting but they just are for some reason. *hugs*

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          1. I used to be anorexic so I can relate to what it’s like dealing with an eating disorder. I haven’t dealt with anorexia for 14 years but still occasionally have disordered thoughts and weird eating habits.

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  3. I hope we can create a new home for us, a new community, which might already exist in some form.

    Sending lots of hugs your way! 💜

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  4. Hi Eliza: I don’t know where you are so I don’t know what resources there are close to you. If you had been my patient, I would be sending you to a rehab.
    I am frightened for you.
    Please hold on. and get help. Maybe print out some of these blogs and send them to your GP and ask to be referred to hospital.
    You are in my heart. Dr. Bob

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    2. I am with Dr. Bob, Eliza. Your last few posts have been very worrisome. Please seek help and SPEAK UP!!! I know it’s hard, but it’s the only way anyone can know just how bad you’re struggling and help you. Change is possible. Big hugs.

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      1. I’ve spoken to my GP and will speak to him again tomorrow. There’s what I want him to do that has to go through him. I’m annoyed that I’ve been the one using google when he should have… but either way, I’ll see what he says. And I think my rabbi will be happy to help me figure it out. I hope do anyways. I wrote down what I need to be able to stop. And, I guess will try and make a plan from here… dunno how exactly, but it’ll definitely help that I have down what I want and don’t etc

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    3. Speaking to my GP tomorrow. Was meant to today. Wrote down exactly what I want. I have 2 places for him to call and put a referral through to. Will see what he says. Hope to speak to my rabbi after… and hoping he’ll help me figure it all out.

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  5. You start of with you want to quit and end with “kinda” want to. My addictions aren’t serious. I do have and eating disorder and I’m in that kinda. The fact that huh dropped the kinda, is a step in the right direction.

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    1. Thanks for passing by Libby. I live with an ED but it’s all really just self harm in different forms. I do want to stop using. Didn’t say self destruction but that I want to get to. A place without it.

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      1. I know you want to stop. You are dead on when you say it’s just self harm. I’m really good at that as well as emotionally ripping myself apart. 🤔 I’m not sure if I should brag about that.

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    1. Thanks! It’s really all just different forms of self destruction. Will see if my GP does what I ask tomorrow. Then really hope to make a proper plan of action. Dialogue journalled a lot about what I need and don’t need. Will see….

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    1. Thank you. That really means a lot to me. That’s also kinda what I want/need to hear. That people are here and will be here…

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  10. Dear Eliza,
    Please get some help so you can move through the other side. It sounds like you were “clean” for 2 months. This is coming up for deeper healing! Today is a new day. Read all of the support you have here, call so one and make a decision to change. Take good care of you and get the help it sounds like you desperately need. You are important and you have a lot to teach through this!

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    1. I didn’t use anything for nearly 2 years. Slipped up in January. Thought I never would mess up again… but 2 months ago I did. And here I am.
      Trying to figure out the help…

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  12. agreeing with Luftmentsch- that’s a HUGE step in itself. start, and you’re already halfway there.
    i love that quote! what if i fall, i mean.
    cry, E. cry if you want to. crying is therapeutic.
    there is strength in the spoken word, but there is greater strength in that which is written. maybe try writing that you WANT to stop using down? it’s one of the laws of attraction, i think.
    yes, of course you’re something without it!! you’re YOU, E. and that in itself is a blessing.
    i think you’re amazing.
    spread those wings. dive off that cliff.
    i believe in you. always.
    {hugs💓}

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  13. Hey, the first step is being aware of the risks and admitting to your addiction. The second is wanting to stop. You say there’s no help or support, that’s the third step. Is there any rehab near you that you can afford?

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    1. I don’t know that I need rehab. Just, to stop self destruction. There is a home therapy service it seems that the nhs therapist I spoke to recommended asking for. So I’m hoping my GP will put a referral through to them. They kinda offer nearly 24/7 support at first. If he does, it’ll make it possible. If he doesn’t, well will see tomorrow. I found him the information. I wish he’d done all this weeks ago…. but. No way to plan anything until I see what he’ll do tomorrow.

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  14. I would hope that you know me well enough by now to know I am 100% with you on this, because I value your life, your life has changed my own, and I will always remember that person called Eliza, who made such a difference to me ♥️

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  15. You’ve taken a step, Eliza. One beaut of a step, though. For the first time in, who knows how long, you’re realizing the possibility of freedom beyond this thing’s grasp.

    Actually, you’ve known this freedom most of your life. haven’t you? Sure, there were challenges before you started using, and there will be too when it’s behind you. Difference is, Then (past) and Then (future) the additional burden didn’t, and won’t, weigh on you. Your mind, unlocked.

    Plus, you have your people. Your friends, your family, your professionals. You’ve given us far too much to forget about us now. We’re far too numerous for such dismissals. Just look how many show up each and every day. We’ve been here during and, by God, we want to learn what’s next. Come on, Eliza, you only have finished three chapters. Let us see what’s on the next page…then the one after…and the one after…

    Seems like you have a little Tolstoy is you, writing chapters, then volumes, then libraries.

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  16. In my 30 years as an addiction/substance abuse counselor, the thing I saw over and over was that most people underestimate what it takes to fight addiction. The eating issues and self harm are important and need work, too, but you’re saying the using is a big risk, which worries me, but I’m glad you recognize the risk and want to stop. The good thing is you don’t have to do this alone! We in blogland are part of your support system, but you need more. Keep asking for help and don’t stop. I hope you get an assessment with a substance abuse/addiction specialist to determine the level of treatment you need. Be as honest as you can about your using. If you go to rehab, continue with support after you get out. Either way, get as much help as you can: intensive therapy, on line support groups, and continue with the good work you’ve already started in your mindfulness course. It’s going to be a process. You’ve taken an important step! Keep going! You are worth it!

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    1. It is a risk, but really it’s just another form of self harm too. Everything is a form of self harm.
      I’m hoping to ask my GP for a referral today to home based therapy team. That’s what the NHS therapist I saw suggested. He should have looked it up and done it really (I only saw her suggestions last week whereas he saw it when he got a letter from her). Not the point what he should have done. I don’t know what he will do or won’t do. I honestly feel like all I do is try get help that doesn’t happen. It’s kinda like when I asked to do DBT. They didn’t give it because I don’t fit the criteria for needing it because at no risk. And when there is a risk don’t fit the criteria because there is a risk.

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      1. Keep on nudging the GP and GP team on that referral. Home based therapy could be good because they get to see a bigger picture. I wonder why they didn’t see risk enough for the DBT. Maybe home based will be better.

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        1. Originally when they put the referral through I wasn’t messing up at all. I wasn’t eating but they didn’t listen to that. Now there’s too much destruction and it’s group maybe so they can’t do it. Don’t really know….. will see what happens. I feel like all I’m doing is nudging. He said he’ll do it today…

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  17. Pingback: Journalling 103 (5) GP App and referrals – Journey to life

  18. Your feelings are yours, you can not be pretending them. There’s a truth to every lie. I’m not experienced with the issues you’re facing so I don’t think I can be of any help at all but I want you to know that you’re so strong and you’ve been facing your feelings and all the predicaments until now, I believe you can fight them. Look back at them one day and say I’m a new version of myself now… Virtual hugs 😊

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  20. Pingback: 123456789 – Journey to life

  22. Just read the above after you responded to one of my blog posts. A couple of thoughts. Many people don’t know that there is a medical specialty in addictionology. If you are in the U.S. you can access treatment with a doctor who has specialized training specifically in treating addictions. I don’t know about other countries, but I suspect that there is that access elsewhere. Secondly, there are many many 12 step meetings accessible on zoom. I have known people with 10+ years clean in NA so I know they’re out there, but there are also a lot of people in AA who did a lot of drugs. While the pandemic has created the isolation problem, zoom meetings give you access to recovery all over the world. Addiction is a disease of isolation, and anything you do to fight that isolation is likely to help. “When you’re going through hell, keep going.” (Winston Churchill)

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  23. Hello Friend. I recently ran into this post, and I decided to reach out. it is good news to know that you want to quit your addiction, that is the first start. The second phase is self-assessment. Giving up an addiction is not easy. Ask yourself? Why do I do this? Does this addiction make me feel happy, satisfied, justified etc. Try to find the feeling it gives you. The way our brain is designed, certain activities release certain chemicals in our brain, and we keep going back to the pleasurable ones. However, not everything that is pleasurable is good for us. Find out what feeling the addiction gives you, then try to replace it with a good habit that gives the same feeling. This might take some google search and even expert medical advice. However, get familiar in this sense. You can also speak to an online Wellness coach if need be. Wellness coaches are professionally trained and went to school to learn how to help people who struggle with these types of situations. There is no shame in seeing a Wellness Coach. Last but most importantly, get in touch with God. What God does is that he creates a renewed mind. You know that the spirit of God is taking root in you when you realize that some of the bad things that used to interest you are no longer of interest to you. God is real, very real even. You can speak to God through prayers, and you can learn about God through the Bible. When you pray to God in words, he usually speaks back through actions (although this is not always the case), but pay attention.
    The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 10:13
    “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it”.
    You can connect with God today if you want. Simply begin by saying a word of prayer to him. If you want more information on how to connect with God, I have a post on it here: https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/08/29/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-god/
    You can check out the blog post above. If the information is too overwhelming for you, then you can start slow and work your way up gradually. If you want to stay updated and you want more posts from me, you can follow my blog. I post about God, faith and Christian Spirituality.
    May God’s blessing be with you, Amen. 🙂

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