19th July 2020

E, who is running the show?
Life, I think.
What does ‘Life’ look like?
Not Life. Hope is.
What does ‘Hope’ look like?
Not like Destruction.
What does Destruction look like?
I can’t see because it is so all encompassing that it is everything so not possible to define it.
What does Hope want?
Can you give Hope Love?
No. I don’t know what Love is.
Is there anything you can give Hope?
No. I don’t like Hope.
Who do you like?
Destruction. Destruction is my friend. Destruction knows me. Hope doesn’t. I don’t know or like Hope.
But you’re letting Hope run the show?
Yeah. Others believe Hope is right. Others believe I should. I can always call Destruction back. And Hope doesn’t tell me I can’t use (cocodamol). Else Hope would be long gone.
What does Hope tell you?
I don’t want to listen to her.
Why not?
She scares me.
Hope scares you?
Yeah. It’ll get me hurt.
Hope will get you hurt?
She’s not going to stay. No one does.
What will happen if she goes?
Nothing. I’ll live with Nothing. And Destruction is always my friend.
So if you don’t like Hope you can always go back to Destruction?
That’s good. That’s really good. So you have Hope. And Destruction is there if you need him.
Yeah. He’s sad.
Why is he sad?
That I’ve abandoned him.
Have you?
No. But he wants to be my only friend.
Friends who don’t want you to have other friends aren’t healthy friends.
I know. But he is my only real friend..
Can you make other friends?
I don’t know. I’m not great at making friends.
I can be your friend.
You can’t. You don’t like me.
You think I don’t like you?
I know you don’t like me.
How do you know that?
You want me to be here. Obviously you hate me.
I want you to be here because I love you and love having you around.
That is selfish.
How’s it selfish?
Because you want what is best for you, and not what is good for me.
Hmm. True. Am I allowed to be selfish?
Yes. But that means you aren’t my friend. Friends aren’t selfish.
Can I be your friend a bit?
I don’t know. I don’t think so.
I want to be your friend. I love you. If you’re ever ready for me to be your friend I’m here. I will always love you.
That’s a lie.
What is?
All of it.
It’s true to me.
E, it’s okay. I’m sorry for hurting you.
You didn’t hurt me.
Can I talk to Hope?
Why not?
You’ll tell Hope to stay.
How bad will it be if Hope stays?
Very. Destruction won’t always wait.
You can always go back to Destruction though.
I don’t know.
Will Destruction be your friend if you go back to him?
So there you go.
You can talk to Destruction instead.
Do you want me to?
I don’t care what you do. I want you to go away.
You want me to go away?
You’re too reasonable. I don’t like you. You make me sound like a bratty teenager.
You don’t sound like a bratty teenager. You sound like a sad lost girl.
I’m not.
I didn’t say you were. I don’t think you’re bratty.
What do you think I am?
That doesn’t matter now E. It makes no difference. For I love you regardless.
Stop lying please.
I’m not lying. I’m owning my truth. I’m sorry it hurts you.
It doesn’t.
Bye E. You’re worth it.
I’m not.
I know you think that. I believe you are. Hope believes you are. Give us a chance.
Do I have a choice?
Always. You always have a choice. You always will have a choice. And you can always walk away into Destruction’s embrace. Destruction is there. He will always be there. As you said, he is your friend. He will always be your friend if you want. You may as well give others a chance too before you decide on a single friend to the exclusion of all else. I’m here E. Even when you don’t want me to be. I’m here.

When I first wrote this and wrote about it here, I was confused. Now, I appreciate the way I speak to myself. I’m kinda in awe in truth. And I’m touched by the truths I live regarding myself and friends.


42 thoughts on “Dialogue with myself about Hope and Destruction

  1. This is very moving. How much do you still relate to it?

    I don’t think you’re a bratty teenager. I think there is a part of you that wants to love yourself and be friends with Hope, but is too scared. And I think you have friends here. I know virtual friends are sometimes a poor substitute for real world friends, but we are here for you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. They’re not a poor substitute. I think they’re just as real…

      How much? Depends which part. Because now I chose Life over Hope. Hope gave me Life as a friend. The rest, totally. I just see it all as truths. Almost every bit of it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. well…
    we all have choices. life is a series of hard choices.
    destruction is there. always. you’re right. if hope gets too much, you can go back.
    “what if i fall?
    oh, my darling, but what if you fly?”
    love always,

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you!
      Yeah, there was a lot of truth in it. When I reread it what I saw was the truth of the words. That it was, is, just my reality. I liked the compassion and gentleness though. That’s really what I was sharing it for. I was hoping others could benefit….

      Liked by 1 person

          1. Hmm. I hear you.
            It’s not just steprytyping though. Hope is small, little, quiet and shy. Destruction is big, all encompassing, completely takes over. Whilst there are males and females both, the stereotype comes for a reason.

            I guess also I wasn’t categorizing based on emotional traits but physical. You’ll get more neanderthal men by nature than women – by nature, not nurture. For I think it’s a problem the way kids are taught to stereotype themselves.

            Liked by 1 person

              1. Yes. But I don’t think I live with them that much. Especially because I live with people who don’t fit the stereotypes. The intense emotions and physical sensitivity and care for decor in my family comes from my father…. I only learnt recently that not all men will notice what you’re wearing. But neither will all women…

                Liked by 2 people

    1. What way was it heart wrenching?

      What kinda friends do they have less of?

      Writing it really helped me. And, well yeah, I wrote it all there. You can see what it gave to me just by having read it.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. It is. I’m blessed to have writing as part of my life.

          I’m listening to ACA meetings. Some of the things they talk about creating in your life as being the most part, I’ve done it through writing. They talk a lot about loving the inner child, compassion etc. And even I reread this that’s one thing that struck me. Also I never argued but side stepped. Dunno. That means feeling vulnerable:)

          Liked by 1 person

            1. šŸ™‚ yup.
              Anyways I want to write up what I did now. But I don’t need to dialogue coz I’ve already chosen. So dunno. I think my uncles passing gave me the choice of life. I don’t recall consciously choosing it. But I know it’s so. So. Yeah.

              Liked by 1 person

  3. I think it makes sense for Hope to be she because she’s gentle and quiet and soft. Whereas Destruction is the archetypal neanderthal… I’m not sure what Life is. Maybe Its gender neutral. I haven’t dialogue with Life so don’t really know.


  4. I feel like destruction and hope are just 2 sides of the same coin. Which side you land up on is up to you. The same person can be in a destructive state of mind and then something just flips that coin around and they meet hope.
    Everything that is done in the world is done by HOPE ~Martin Luther King Jr

    Liked by 1 person

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