I learnt something about myself in the last few days that I absolutely hate. I’m trying to never say I hate myself. I abhor this trait I have. I detest what I learnt about myself. It goes against all my values and beliefs.

Something about myself is that I love everyone. That I care for everyone. Almost everyone. There are a few people who bug me. Everyone except them.

I can’t stand what I’ve learnt. I’m not elitist. I’m really not. Yet. I am.

I don’t have patience for stupid people.

There. I said it.

I was talking to someone and getting frustrated at their stupid question. Now, I always thought that this particular frustration was defense. The feeling of not being heard. When someone questions what I have said. When someone questions the obvious- what I have said. I feel like they haven’t listened to me. And because I have never been listened to I get defensive and therefore frustrated.

Um. I wish that were so.

This person was asking on what I had just said. And I got so annoyed. Die to another conversation about how intellectual different people are I realised this about myself. Because it’s often annoying for me to talk to 2 other people. They ask such stupid questions and I don’t have the patience for it.

The reason it’s so antithetical to me is I’ve a friend who is learning disabled. I work in the SEN department. I work primarily with children who struggle. Me? Elitist? I hate what I’ve seen.

Since I’m aware of it I notice it in conversations with said person faster. I’ve been explaining to said person how to query what they want to know rather than react the way they are which suggests disbelief. I’ve been catching myself getting frustrated with said person and changing caps – instead of trying to hold a normal conversation, changing gears to explain and break it down. I’m definitely getting less annoyed with said person. I’ve always known they were intellectually stupid.

I don’t see them being intellectually lacking as negative. They’re extremely perceptive and insightful and have taught me a LOT through some of their insights. I don’t necessarily agree with all they say but they’ve definitely shown me another side to some situations that I never would have thought of.

I think sometimes the way they ask is insulting and jarring. And because they don’t know what they don’t understand they are asking the same thing quite literally 5 times over (sometimes 10).

I hate that I’m not naturally okay with it. It goes against all my values and beliefs. I guess it’s good I learnt it about myself now so that I can change it. I seriously abhor and detest the knowledge. Trying to take back the automatic I hate myself for this.

So I’ve learnt I’m I don’t know the word. Is it bigoted? Elitist? I don’t know what it is. And just Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.


48 thoughts on “I hate the superiority complex I have.

  1. none of us are perfect, we all have flaws … the benefit of knowing our flaws is that we do spot them quicker and find more constructive ways of dealing with them!

    That is the path to well being … not suppressing or ignoring them 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I appreciated what you said. I just tend to only reply if I have something I want to say. I’ve hurt enough people by not responding to know I should, but I still forget at times.
      I appreciated what you said because you’re looking at it so positively 💕
      Sending Sunday sunshine and sparkles

      Liked by 2 people

        1. Hope you slept well 🙂
          I appreciated the truth, and was waiting to reply until when I wouldn’t ramble but could put into a few words. I feel like I ramble way too much.
          Sending sunshine and sparkles…

          Liked by 2 people

            1. Thanks Kate. Definitely my coping mechanism though never thought of it that way.
              I feel like I’m driving others crazy by rambling for it’s not like I’ve asked if they’re okay with it, just bombarding them with it, and it’s not fair of me.

              Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t think you are elitist or bigoted. If you were, you wouldn’t have experienced the anxiety you speak of nor would you have written this post. I agree with Kate. You are self-aware, and you are capable of self-reflection–which is a good thing. What’s the next step? Eliza, I don’t know the answer to that, but I do think you are on the right path.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. nobody’s perfect, love. don’t worry, i get annoyed sometimes too. it’s not elitist. heck, it’s not even wrong or irrational. i’d feel the same.
    now that you do know, however, you can change it. it’s not reasonable to not feel the annoyance. it makes sense to feel the annoyance, just don’t react to it.
    hope this helps.
    love always,

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The frustration goes against my values of accepting and loving everyone and having patience. That’s why I find it so jarring. I’m getting practice handling it whilst said person is in my vicinity a lot ….

      Liked by 1 person

      1. then that’s great! isn’t it good news?
        ”the more you know yourself, the more you forgive yourself.”- Kong Qui aka Confucuis.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. The fact you question yourself shows that you are neither of these things. You are just trying to understand yourself, and as a result improve who you are. If only a few more people took the time to introspect and reflect.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I agree with Paul and CalmKate. Your awareness is growing and it’s cool that you are becoming less annoyed with this person. We all have things that annoy us and things to work on. My husband has a very practical and quick mind. I process things more slowly. Sometimes he sounds a little frustrated with me when I ask for clarification, or maybe my head was in the clouds. I don’t know. I do we all have different strengths. My husband doesn’t like to sing and has trouble seeing animal shapes in clouds. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m glad it’s not just me getting frustrated when others ask. I think it’s my problem though, not theirs for asking….

      🙂 seeing rainbows and unicorns in the clouds is the best part of the day! I rarely see shapes there. Usually see the sunlight and how the colours change and reflect.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. I know. My brother whom I was referencing shared some insights I hadn’t thought of. I don’t know if I agree with him but I’m thinking about it. And he’s the person I’m getting frustrated with (if I’m trying to hold a normal conversation and can’t).

          Liked by 1 person

  6. You handle it so well. I get snappy when someone asks to have everything that’s happening in a tv show/movie explained to them when no one in the room has even watched it before, and it turns out the question would have been answered if the person would have just WAITED FIVE MINUTES. Ahem. But you? You find some way to make it easier on you both. Kudos.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I used to get annoyed by that, too. Now, I see it as a credit to my creativity. I come up with what might happen next and it either does (people are in awe) or it doesn’t and then we discuss which would have been better (most of the time – mine, of course).

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Not elitist…not bigoted…just lovely-the fact that you love everyone else is in itself great!
    Everyone has their pet peeves-that one thing that just drives them crazy! Just let the irritation stay still and try not to channel it…if you get what I’m saying!
    You love others, you understand them and you listen to them so getting annoyed once in a while is perfectly normal…

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I can’t begin to pretend to know what you’re going through because your journey is uniquely your own, but I can see glimmers of light throughout your posts. Eating ‘normally’ is a huge, huge thing, even more so if you can do it without calorie counting, something I’ve never truly been able to let go because it became so ingrained in my brain over the years. Choosing life is huge, and I hope you realise that there are people here, like myself, that are in your corner cheering you on. I want better for you, Eliza. I want you at peace with yourself. When I read this post, I wanted to get my head around what it was you were saying. So you can get somewhat frustrated with others when they seem a bit stupid, like asking questions over and over or asking something that doesn’t seem intellectually high up on the intelligence radar. That’s not elitist or snobby. That’s human. I think you’ve already hit the nail on the head with feeling sometimes that someone asking questions suggests they haven’t listened to you properly, which is annoying, so your response is just. Everyone has a different pace and if you’ve got high anxiety, stuff like this can erk you more than usual. It doesn’t make you a bad person or an elitist, only human. What would make you an ass if if you shouted at everyone saying “oh my god, you’re just so bloody stupid and thick”, being insulting and nasty. But Eliza, you are the polar opposite! xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Caz. I do know…..
      I don’t really calorie count. I’m not eating enough but I’m eating all foods – not just the few. Which is good.
      I’ve been thinking of you….
      Sending hugs and sunshine

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I could not help but smile when I saw the title of your post and then read the content. I didn’t mean to, because I know you’re serious about this.

    My take on this – there are stupid people and then there are people who are mentally challenged. When I say “stupid” I don’t mean people who struggle to learn and understand. I mean those who have all the needed capabilities, yet for one reason or another, refuse to acknowledge things. I have a lot of patience for those that really don’t understand (but would like to). I will teach and explain in different ways in hopes that something will catch. I see this as a challenge for myself, which I like.

    However, I have no patience for stupid people who refuse to stop and think. Or to pay attention like you said.

    Stupid people are my top pet peeve.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. There are both. This person is stupid because of intellectual challenge. There are other people who are just being stupid. They want you to explain it because they are not sure they understand though, not because they didn’t listen. I don’t have patience for it 😦 and yes I’m glad I know so that I can work on it but hate I don’t have the patience automatically.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. As others here have noted, Eliza, calling this “elitism” mislabels the situation, and much too harshly at that. In fact, “impatience” swerves beyond the mark too.

    You get more to the idea, actually, when you identify this as frustration with those who don’t acknowledge what you’re saying. I apply verbs carefully – “don’t acknowledge,” not “can’t acknowledge.” People who are capable of grasping the concept but, for whatever reasons, choose not to. That’s an important distinction.

    In the broader sense, Eliza, this self-examination is splendid. Nearly as encouraging as is your resolve to improve. Just, be patient with yourself, too. There likely are things that could use revision. Naturally, each of us has hundreds…or thousands. This, however, isn’t among them.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. We’re not perfect. I get ridiculously irritated when someone has bad grammar etc, especially if their only language is English!

    Or if they use text-speak a lot or abbreviate words that don’t need to be. I don’t say anything but oh boy I seethe.

    I recently got banned from a Facebook page because of another pet peeve which I was direct about. The person felt attacked and it didn’t help that I wasn’t gentle but pretty blunt.

    Liked by 2 people

          1. Yeah haha. It’s easier to type things out properly with smartphone predictive text, and Gmail also has auto complete if you toggle it on…but my therapist totally types without vwls all the dang time!

            Liked by 1 person

            1. That’s annoying!! Especially because you just have to accept it…I rarely use predictive text for some reason. On the odd occasion it’s cool to be able to use it. Though often it changes my words to weird stuff (also corrects some real mistakes).

              Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s