On being genuine. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not.
I can’t live with or handle anything at all incongruent. Or, I find it hard to reconcile. I had a workmate who became a close friend. Then we lost touch because she was so busy. She’d call me if she needed anything. I eventually learned that I can’t count on her as a friend. Then I learned and saw that she feels really close to me still. I find it really hard to understand that.
I say what I think. When I try to sugarcoat it I trap myself. I just say what I think. And I don’t think it’s problematic because I’m just sharing my truth. I’m sharing the reality. Not just as I see it but as it is. So if I’m talking to my family I’ll tell them the what and why – unless I think it’s detrimental, then I won’t.
I’m just honest. That doesn’t mean I never lie to protect myself. And when I have lied or do anything that goes against any of my values it’s really jarring for me. I find it really hard to reconcile it. Lotsa black and white thinking here too. All or nothing. If it’s one it’s not the other.
I’m writing this, thinking about it, because of something I can’t write about as I’ll risk hurting someone I care about. I just see how I’ve gone to an extreme. How I can’t handle what to me is incongruent. How I was honest and I don’t know whether genuinity is a good thing.
I don’t know whether being me is a good thing. I feel like how I do with being so straight is hurt myself and others. I can’t live untrue to my values and beliefs. I’m going to destroy some people by bring true to myself. I mean that in a very real way. Obviously it’s going to be too bad. But if I could live without the genuineness there wouldn’t be all that collateral damage. The knowing that one day I’m going to be destroying some people, that now I’m living a lie for my own gain and in order not to hurt them. Someonce once told me it’s not. That was before I knew the choices I have made, life I am living, choices I will make. It is a lie. For I’m letting them believe and know things that aren’t true because I can’t yet deal with the fallout. I’m not yet ready to destroy them.
I don’t know whether the honesty is a good thing. I don’t know whether being genuine is a good thing. I don’t know whether the hurting others is worth it. Hurting others now because I can’t live with incongruence. I can’t lie and pretend (I was honest now because if I don’t share my truth it’s constantly hurting me, and whatever the fallout now, it’ll be less painful). I don’t know if it’s a good thing. It’s something I love about myself. Yet it doesn’t seem worth it.