On being genuine. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not.

I can’t live with or handle anything at all incongruent. Or, I find it hard to reconcile. I had a workmate who became a close friend. Then we lost touch because she was so busy. She’d call me if she needed anything. I eventually learned that I can’t count on her as a friend. Then I learned and saw that she feels really close to me still. I find it really hard to understand that.

I say what I think. When I try to sugarcoat it I trap myself. I just say what I think. And I don’t think it’s problematic because I’m just sharing my truth. I’m sharing the reality. Not just as I see it but as it is. So if I’m talking to my family I’ll tell them the what and why – unless I think it’s detrimental, then I won’t.

I’m just honest. That doesn’t mean I never lie to protect myself. And when I have lied or do anything that goes against any of my values it’s really jarring for me. I find it really hard to reconcile it. Lotsa black and white thinking here too. All or nothing. If it’s one it’s not the other.

I’m writing this, thinking about it, because of something I can’t write about as I’ll risk hurting someone I care about. I just see how I’ve gone to an extreme. How I can’t handle what to me is incongruent. How I was honest and I don’t know whether genuinity is a good thing.

I don’t know whether being me is a good thing. I feel like how I do with being so straight is hurt myself and others. I can’t live untrue to my values and beliefs. I’m going to destroy some people by bring true to myself. I mean that in a very real way. Obviously it’s going to be too bad. But if I could live without the genuineness there wouldn’t be all that collateral damage. The knowing that one day I’m going to be destroying some people, that now I’m living a lie for my own gain and in order not to hurt them. Someonce once told me it’s not. That was before I knew the choices I have made, life I am living, choices I will make. It is a lie. For I’m letting them believe and know things that aren’t true because I can’t yet deal with the fallout. I’m not yet ready to destroy them.

I don’t know whether the honesty is a good thing. I don’t know whether being genuine is a good thing. I don’t know whether the hurting others is worth it. Hurting others now because I can’t live with incongruence. I can’t lie and pretend (I was honest now because if I don’t share my truth it’s constantly hurting me, and whatever the fallout now, it’ll be less painful). I don’t know if it’s a good thing. It’s something I love about myself. Yet it doesn’t seem worth it.

48 thoughts on “Is honesty a negative thing?”

  1. I believe the more people speak the truth the more people become comfortable with it. Whether that’s giving it or receiving it. Ultimately this is better for everyone. Of course the truth can be given tactfully however the relationships that don’t last are the ones where people are too afraid of having the uncomfortable conversation they need to, because they don’t want to upset each other. Being honest all the time isn’t easy but it is the right way to be. I say stick to your values on this one.

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  2. I appreciate your honesty.
    I also understand your dilemma of needing to self protect.
    My personal view is that honesty is the best policy unless the bluntness it used as a weapon, which it can be – even unwittingly – but some people. But you’ve given me no evidence that you’re that kind of person. You come across as just saying it as it is, which is refreshingly… well… honest!

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      1. Thank you for your lovely words there Eliza, and no, you didn’t hurt me with your honesty, I’m cool. We’re cool. I would rather someone is up front and honest than hiding their hurt or resentments, which is not good for anybody. And the way you delivered your honesty was not harsh or vindictive, maybe that’s the key? If it’s done with kind compassion then it’s not damaging like it could be without kindness and compassion. 🤗♥️

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        1. I see you replied. I’ll look at it later. I planned on emailing again before you saw it. That now that I shared my truth it’s okay. Was just disconsonnant whatever the word is. And when I said it to you, it was different. As in until I did every word you wrote on my blog was a lie, after I did, it was truth. Yeah, I’m extreme I know…. and, i never ever saw it as your issue or something you did, but completely me. Which is why I was so hesitant to say anything. Because I knew it was me…. I only decided to coz it would just hurt both.

          I don’t think honesty is ever vindictive. That’s not honesty but hurtful? Honesty is just truth. Or, that’s how I see it. I know in real life that I don’t think others are ever hurt by my honesty. However direct it is. Because, it’s just truth. Also coz, there’s no judgement. I see things as facts, I don’t see it necessarily as negative. And if I do, there are some things I won’t say for I’m not sure that giving the honesty will be helpful to others.

          (Which is also why it’s so jarring to me whenever I lie to protect myself when I don’t need protection).

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  3. Honesty is a good thing and should always be held up high.
    Sadly many people are afraid of being honest and telling their truth.
    This is why it seems to be so much of a big deal or problem.
    Yes, the truth can hurt, but if you really care about someone and you then don’t tell them the truth, maybe you will regret it later. Someone who really loves you the way you are, will understand your truth. Maybe not at first, maybe you sometimes have to explain. And I don’t see you screaming at people or something like that.

    And before you think I was always honest, always open… no I wasn’t and I still often keep quiet or find myself in a difficult situation. But compared to how I dealt with people after I got broken, before and now, then I must say, I got stronger and also found back to who I was without the mess. Well… not all mess is gone, but I am getting there.

    If everyone would be honest or at least in general more honest, we would live in a way better world. One man with autism once said to his parents, that they shouldn’t have told him stories about Santa Claus because it didn’t help him and just confused his development. It was true and honest. Because I personally also think, that it is enough, when the children know that their parents love them and therefor buy them some presents. But in my case it probably didn’t do too much damage and I still liked the idea of Christmas when I was a kid.

    So sometimes the truth might actually be better, than telling a lie for many years, until in the end the truth comes out anyways.

    Conclusion: We don’t always have to tell what we think, but we also shouldn’t lie, if we really care about someone. A lie to protect from stangers or people who might hurt us otherwise, might be okay. But as you said yourself, honesty is the thing you love about yourself. And you should stay with your honesty. We already have too many narcississtic liars or blind eyed machines.

    (One thing I don’t like about myself, is that I write or tell people way too many things, to a point that they usually can’t keep up and or understand or feel bad because of it, in some way. I can’t help it sometimes because would I write nothing it seems wrong and then I write too much and then it also seems wrong… so I do it anyways now and hope for the best. At least people can ignore it or delete it if they want. 🙂 )

    💜

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    1. 🙂 you’re being you. If they don’t appreciate it, that is their loss….
      Some people love you but love other things more…. will see what happens.

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  5. Eliza. some people appreciate frankness more than others. You may find it helpful to associate with others who are forthright. You may not always like what they say, but you know they are not lying to you.

    Worrying about how someone will take what you say all the time is stressful, and you might be less comfortable around someone like that. I have found that people who lie always suspect others of lying. You may wonder if they are being dishonest. You may try to figure out hidden meanings in their words… also stressful.

    Eliza, you are who you are and what you believe in. I don’t think telling lies is your style or will make you happy. I think it is right to consider the feelings of others and try to be polite, but you probably won’t like yourself if you lie.

    Take care, Cheryl

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          1. It’s weird, but I think it’s a message I also needed to hear. We all have junk stuffed down into our subconscious. I’m a believer in replacing it with all kinds of good. When those negative thoughts pop up, it’s time to find a positive one to replace it. 💕✨

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            1. I’ve been trying to do that a lot which is why it spoke so much to me. Let the thoughts be without the criticism. I stead of I hate myself I hate what I did or this is frustrating or whatever. That’s the thought I’ve been changing most (I hate myself).

              So so tired………

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                  1. There’s such a fine line between these polar opposites…just like the fine line between love/hate, right/wrong, good/bad, success/failure. Keep picking yourself up and moving forward. You’ve got this.

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  8. I can often tell that someone is lying to me. I didn’t say always because I would not know if they did if I did not catch it. usually I ignore the lie. My point us if you lie to someone, they are probably going to know you are lying.

    If someone asking me if I like their new hairdo or new shirt I try to say something constructive, such as I really like your hair when it was longer or that I like shirts with more blue and less brown.

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    1. I love this! I love that you’re honest. I remember when I told my family I must’ve looked really good at that celebration because everyone told me I looked good. They laughed at me. I tend to trust whatever people say is authentic and their truth, and tend not to doubt it. So if someone says I looked good, I must’ve…..

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  9. I find it harder and harder to find people who appreciate the truth and don’t get all hurt by anything. Yes, honesty can hurt. But no matter how much it hurts, I still prefer to know it more than a sweet lie. The bubble will burst sooner or later and I rather have the option to make an educated decision.

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  10. honesty is ALWAYS good. i try to be honest, but i’m a very good liar so sometimes it’s a little bit hard. but i try.
    i think the way you say whatever it is that you say makes a difference. don’t sugarcoat- just saying it in a way that’s not offensive or too blunt makes all the difference.
    “beauty begins the moment you decide to be yourself.”- Coco Chanel.
    honesty means being the truest version of you- and that’s what brings people joy.
    so don’t stop or change. it’s great to be honest. it’s great to feel jarred whilst lying. being genuine is GREAT, and it’s something that our world severely lacks.
    love always,
    [gotw}

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    1. Because I’m genuine and just being honest people aren’t hurt. When I was your age I would say the most outrageous things to the teachers. But it was always innocence. I don’t mean I was pretending to be innocent. I mean that I was just saying what I thought. It was always taken that way. At home I’m really honest with people. Some may say too honest. Some things I don’t say for I need advice whether it would be helpful or healthy, but the rest, I just say what I think…. I don’t feel any judgement towards what I say so it’s taken without judgement.
      Lying is really easy. That’s actually why I’m so honest with my family. Because the first few weeks of covid when I was talking with one family about another and another would ask what we were speaking about I just lied. It scared me how easy it was. So decided to just say the truth or some of the truth – no lying, just not saying everything which is a lie too. Usually give it all for that reason.
      Ramble over…..

      .

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      1. it’s great that people aren’t hurt! sometimes when i’m honest, people yell at me for “insulting” them… Like hellooooo, you asked for an honest opinion??
        yeah true, lying is easy. some people say, “i’m a bad liar,” but i’ve a hard time believing that because lying is INSANELY easy.
        {hugs❤️}

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  11. I think honesty is good, but so is not upsetting people unnecessarily. Sometimes you don’t need to lie, just not say what you’re thinking. Or try to mention some positives with the difficult things.

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  12. A great Indian freedom fighter-Mahatma Gandhi adopted the path of truth and non violence which eventually led India to become a free country. He once said- “Honest disagreement is better than dishonest progress”.
    In fact, just today I watched a movie on Gandhi and honesty and how it’s a receding trait in a progressing world. That nagging sensation when you lie is a good sign, being honest is a beautiful trait and it should never be something you’re ashamed of and it’s 100% WORTH it.
    Sometimes it may hurt to be honest, but it eez what it eez and better you say what must be said than someone else saying it.
    I hope you’re doing ok!
    💙💙💙

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  13. That’s admirable, Eliza, as truth always can use more champions.

    Of course, though truth itself is a simple concept, it encompasses the full complexity of human interactions. Many mistake being disagreeable for being truthful. “Just telling it like it is,” they insist, while ignoring everything in the positive column. That’s not being truthful; it’s being nasty.

    Sure, make note of the negative, but give the positive the attention it deserves too. In fact, I’d favor putting your thumb on the scale just a bit, giving the positive slightly more heft.

    We are aspirational creatures, after all, and positive reinforcement is what keeps progress, and us, going.

    “I once thought I could, but everyone else had reasons why I couldn’t, so I quit” isn’t a very interesting story, is it?

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    1. Definitely not! Truthful doesn’t mean negativity. I think for some reason my truths are facts neither negative nor positive so are taken that way. Even though for some people it may be negative. Like telling my brother he’s extremely perceptive and in some ways learning processing issues. I was careful how I phrased it. And had told him I’ve processing issues. I don’t see it as negative that he’s intellectually challenged. Just a fact. He won’t take me trying to explain something and mentioning it as negative because to me it isn’t negative. It’s a challenge sure. But not a negative. Same telling my sister she is special or short. I don’t have any judgement. Though my brother told me maybe she’s hurt so not going to.
      I don’t know how to live with incongruence. I can’t live with incongruence…. it just sits too wrong. I emailed someone who hurt me and told them so. I hope it was the right thing. Now that I’ve told them I can communicate with them though. I dunno….

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      1. That’s it, precisely, Eliza. Facts, many of them at least, my be neutral. Still, their delivery sets the tone.

        If I try to play “Gotcha!” or attempt to show how clever I am, people will associate the fact with the negative.

        Now, you take that exact same fact and present with care. Commiserate by adding “Me too.” In the world you’ve created, it’s a positive.

        Facts start life all the same, but where they go afterwards depends on us.

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  14. Dearest Eliza, real is always better than fake. Honesty is always better than a lie. Lies hurt, both the speaker and the hearer. How much do we rob someone from when we don’t tell them how we truly feel?

    IF it is spoken with love and not malice, a relationship meant to survive, will. We can be truthful without being hurtful on purpose. The truth itself may be hurtful. Yet, if it is a truth needing to be addressed, so be it.

    Sending you love sweet friend ♥️

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    1. Thank you. I really needed to hear this now. I shared my truth with someone today. With 2 people. I hope I didn’t hurt them. I also apologised constantly for having been hurt, but I’ve already written and sent them. Both people I care so much about and I hope the relationships can be stronger for it.

      I don’t live with malice.

      A friend texted me today a list of things she appreciated about me. She was just thanking me for what I’ve done and being here. Number 4 was being honest and straight. I don’t care for her first 3 (caring, happy for her, being there always etc). 4 means the most to me. It’s how I identify myself. And I doubt I’m really honest because I’ve definitely lied. I lied today and said someone owes me an amount more than they do (not to the ower). And I know it’s for protection. But it’s the thing I hate most about myself. That and not being nice to others I hate. Or seeing others negatively. It’s what I work on changing. And not taking about others at all.

      Why’m I rambling?

      Thanks for listening.

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