Today was a calmer day. Used less cocodamol. Swept a bit the mess I made last night with what I did. Ate too much (for what I feel I should eat. Honestly I’m also grateful I ate more than I wanted to). Not sure how come I’ve used less but I did. Tried to get through to my GP but didn’t manage to – he wasn’t in. I told the secretary I think it’s negligent of him. She didn’t disagree with me (she was drained by my persistence, I think I drove her a bit mad, and there wasn’t anything she could even do but I’m glad she understood me at the end and agreed with me). Even though it’s nearly 3am and I should be sleeping. I’m grateful I didn’t freak out at all today. I’m grateful for all of you who’ve been here – I didn’t expect it and really appreciate it. I’m grateful for E’s email today checking up on me. I hadn’t even told her about last night- she can’t handle me telling her what I’m doing to myself and knowing there is nothing she can do. Grateful for TCs minute phone call to say hi. Tried to find people in ACA who have real recovery, not just newcomers. Going to look on instagram tomorrow. Hoping it’s not as hot. Heat exacerbates dizziness. As does not enough food. I rather not be dizzy. Looking forward to course starting Thursday. Theoretically it’s tomorrow.

Today had responsibility given to me, that I felt I had to take, that wasn’t mine. Is in no way mine. Took 3 hours of my time. It’s a perfect example to bring to someone and ask them what exactly my responsibility is. There are 2 people I would ask to discuss it with. Really I’d ask them if they knew who I could and hope they’d say themselves. But both of them are people I need advice from about my life. Who after I speak to my GP – is that ever going to happen – I want to run what he says by them and ask them for their advice. So I don’t want to use them now as I won’t be able to then. Actually that is even factual not just about me thinking I’m using them.

Love, light and glitter

33 thoughts on “Random.

    1. You know what is so random. I was just thinking of you that I hadn’t seen any of your posts recently and then you commented here.
      How are you doing J? I know I don’t usually read your posts (although I don’t think you’ve written in a while?) since they go against my beliefs as a jew, yet I think of you often. You were a real support to me when I started blogging on here and encouraged me to keep on going.
      How is it by you now?
      Love, light, and glitter

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Eliza, you’re always thinking about me when I comment lol!

        We don’t believe in same things but I’m still here for you if you need me. I don’t disown you for differences!

        I’m good. I don’t post much lately.. I’m a reader and commenter mostly.

        Tell me about you!

        Liked by 3 people

        1. Because I am! And it makes sense if you think about it. Because of the energetically vibes when someone thinks about another. Either my vibes cause you to cone here, or your vibes because you’re there cause me to think of you back.

          Liked by 2 people

  1. I agree with the other commenters. What you did is good. Keep going, one step at a time. I hope you get through to your GP. It’s crazy how hard it can be – I’ve had the same trouble in the past.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Good to read you’re eating more, Eliza. (Of course I’d focus on that first, right?) You’re a little less frantic and dependent on the drug, as other things begin to fill your soul. Would it be any other way?

    As for one of your final thoughts, of course you’re using other people. Just as they use you to help them through their issues. That’s kind of why we’re all here, to be there when we need each other. Sure beats going it alone.

    Nobody’s filling out an Accounting ledger here. Sometimes we use others; the rest of th time they use us. Nothing in it for us, other, perhaps, in paying it forward.

    Please, Eliza, continue to use us. It allows us to bestir our brains, exercise many of us haven’t had since school.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Every day is a new day.
      One day I’ll do as your new year post suggested. I actually threw away all the soluble stuff. Which I regret as now buying more.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know it is difficult, but here’s an idea … is there something you covet but say “no, I’d better not spend the money on it” … make that a reward for yourself for throwing it away and starting over. Think about it. All the great photos you’ve been taking on your runs you did or otherwise – buy yourself a new phone or a DSLR camera … a reward to strive for. What do you say?

        Liked by 1 person

        1. When I stop using I’ll do that …..
          Sigh. I need enough in place to be able to handle it. At the moment I won’t be able to. I’m trying to put enough in place. I don’t think I’m necessarily doing enough, but I’m trying to…

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I know you are – I would never judge E, just suggest, but it is easy for me to suggest from across the ocean and then some. You are NOT the only one who needs something to keep them going right now. The pandemic is stressful – perhaps you would have not returned to using if not for the uncertainty of the pandemic.
            I got to the Park this morning … I drove because there is construction at my cross-street and in order to get to the Park, I’d have to walk all over the place to get there, including up on the main drag where they drive 20 miles over the speed limit, so I drove. I pulled into my usual spot, at the far end of the lot. Grabbed the peanuts and started to walk across the parking lot. I saw a black car parked far away just like I was. Never thought anything of it though. Suddenly, a police car came flying through the parking lot, lights on, siren on and heads to the car. He flung open his police vehicle door, left it open, put on a mask and approached the car. A guy stepped out and was shaky – officer made him sit on the curb. He sat there with his head in his hands. Then the Fire Chief’s vehicle, an ambulance, and two or three more police cars arrived. At first, I wondered – is this a shooter? Do I move my car? Do I get out of there? I didn’t want to go back to my car once the first responders arrived. I don’t know what happened and I walked five times around the path and just then they left – the car was still there when I left, but empty I’m guessing. I didn’t go near it. No police cars, nor emergency vehicles. I don’t know what happened … people have had drug issues in this park before … police administer narcan. He didn’t have a weapon that I saw. I worried maybe it was a shootout. It was a little scary to me … please be careful E.

            Liked by 1 person

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