E

I love you.

I don’t know how to take your pain away. And I guess I don’t need to take your pain away. You’re allowed to hurt. You’re allowed to exist. You’re allowed to be. I know you can’t hear me. I know you don’t believe me. I’ll keep telling you until you know it. You are allowed to exist. You have a right to exist. To feel. To think. To be.

I love you E. I love you through all the ups and all the downs.
I love you as you question yourself.
I love you as you know you’re defective.
I love you with all the unworthiness you feel.
I love you with the guilt.
I love you with the shame.
I love you. Just because you are.
Every moment of every day I love you.
And every moment of every day I will love you
I will love you as you destroy yourself.
I will love you as you self sabotage.
I will love you as you shatter pieces.
I will love you as you rebuild.
I will love you as you learn to feel.
I will love you as you learn to accept.
I will love you as you learn to trust.
I will love you through the good.
I will love you through the bad.
I will love you through the negative.
I will love you through the positive.

It will hurt E. It does hurt. Living hurts. Being hurts. And there is nothing I can do to take away the pain. I can, and will, always be with you. I’ll stay with you. I’ll hold your hand. I’ll be with you as you do your best to push me away. You won’t be able to get rid of me for I’m you. Unless you kill yourself that is. And even though you don’t believe it, you are worth more than death.

You will get there E. I promise you that. You will get there. I don’t know why it hurts so much when you’re not eating and you’re using cocodamol (which should stop it hurting). I guess you’re beginning to feel. Which is a good thing. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it. I love you E. And I’m with you.

I don’t know who to tell you to trust. For I don’t know who is trustworthy. But, trust yourself. For you have all the answers.

You are beautiful.
You are worth it.
You are enough.
You don’t have to do anything to deserve existence.
You don’t have to do anything to be good enough.
You just are. And you are enough just as you.

I’m with you.

Always and forever

E

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29 thoughts on “Letter to myself 10th August. I love you.

  1. That is perfection and I could not have said it any better. Read this over and over and over when you’re falling. You can hep to pick yourself back up and start again. Keep on. Even in small ways. I smile as I write this. Believe in you. I do. I always will. Keep loving yourself you are worth it. Even more than you know. I love you as do so many others I am sure. I look forward to the butterfly.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I know. I think of your note often. And the sunset makes me smile with the dolphins. It’s on my desk that is a mess….. I really appreciate it. You know that already. Why am I writing?

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  2. Don’t ever change the way you see yourself, the way you embrace you, understand you, and love you!
    And no, you’re not defective, you’re perfect,lovely and awesome… just remember that
    {insert blue hearts cause I’m lazy to find them}

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yes, you start to feel.
    And while there is a lot of pain right now.
    The more you actually love yourself, the more the pain goes away again.
    But it doesn’t mean it will be away for every. But when you went through it once and feel this pure love. You know that it is worth fighting through it. Love is not pain, it only shows you need more or that someone sucks your energy up somehow.
    Good that you wrote this letter to yourself. It shows you really want to live!
    πŸ’œπŸ–€πŸ’œπŸ’—

    Liked by 2 people

  4. How is it that you’re able to say all the right things yet keep having issues? Do you believe yourself when you share these positive messages or do you think those are just platitudes?

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    1. Good question. The part of me that’s writing it believes it. The part of me that’s running the show and living my life hears it. It sometimes helps me in the moment. Also more than in the moment but in a more subtle way. For example in the learning to believe I’m worth it. I don’t push it away as much. Can hear myself talking more.
      Writing to myself has allowed me to access a part of myself I’d never known existed. That’s wise, loving, caring. That I can sometimes tune into.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. this is beautiful, and moving, and just brimming with so much positivity that it makes me smile. i’m so, so glad that you’re in a better place, E.
    “the strongest of women know to give themselves nothing but love.”- anonymous. it’s one of my favourite quotes.
    i’m here with ya too. you rock, E.
    love always,
    [gotw}

    Liked by 1 person

    1. More like I’ll try write to myself more πŸ™‚
      Though I do actually sometimes reread the letters I’ve written to myself. I still have to write out the last few (I’m copying them all in a LTM journal) so I’ll be rereading them whenever I do that.

      Liked by 1 person

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