Last night I journalled. I haven’t really in months and months. Didn’t want to and couldn’t let myself. Which is in contrast to filling a journal within a month, or a couple months at best. Most of the 30 minutes was spent dialogue journalling – journalling with myself. I need to process what I wrote. Mainly because the style and way I was writing really phased me and makes me feel really vulnerable.
I was talking about my friends.
Destruction was my friend. But Destruction likes to be the only friend. He’s obviously not a good friend because he doesn’t know how to share. I can’t describe Destruction because I don’t ever see him. To understand why I don’t ever see Destruction think of being wrapped really tightly in someone bigger than you’s embrace. You can’t see or look at the person because that person is everything, leaving nothing else.
Hope wants to be my friend. I don’t like Hope. She is quiet and shy and I don’t know her. But she allows me to have other friends so she must be a better friend according to the definition of friends. The only reason I don’t mind letting Hope in is that she isn’t telling me not to use. She let’s me do what I want. I also don’t like Hope for I know that she won’t stay my friend always.
I can’t see Love, because Love isn’t a part of my life so I can’t describe it/him/her.
The E writing (I think, not sure how to describe it. You have to dialogue journal to know what I mean).offered to be my friend, but I’m not interested in him/her because I don’t like him/her. E said they’ll always be here, but I know they’re lying. And that they’ll be my friend whenever I let them. That I should see if Hope can be a friend because Destruction will always be there if I want. I can always go back to Destruction, but if I stay with Destruction I can’t make any other friends. Made sure to repeatedly say I can always go back to Destruction, that Destruction will never turn his back if I come so I don’t need to worry.
Writing this out doesn’t make me feel less crazy or less vulnerable. Just summarises what I wrote last night. I went on a walk with a friend right after. Which helped a bit. Though sad to see how little stamina I have. It’s not stamina but after about 10 minutes of walking was already feeling dizzy.
It makes me confused because it’s splitting way too much. And also vulnerable. I hate splitting. My ex therapist when I asked him about it (I asked him about writing to myself, why they wasn’t crazy) told me I don’t have split personality disorder because I was aware. I don’t know. Whatever.
Journey to life 
My stamina is at rock bottom right now too. ((Hugs)) to you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
(((Hugs)))
LikeLiked by 1 person
Eliza, that is a beautiful message to your sister that you can share with her when she is mature enough. I assure you, though, even though she may not know how to express her emotions in words very well, she can feel your love. She knows you love her. Hope you are doing well. Cheryl
LikeLiked by 1 person
It was written to my younger self.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Eliza, I am replying to an earlier post above.
The journaling seems like it should be helpful. You will have to be the judge. I have used journaling when I was dieting and recorded things like exercise, blood pressure, and how I was feeling that day as well as what I ate. it did help me to get off my diabetes medication. Take care, Cheryl
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m glad it’s helped you and yes it’s definitely helpful! Very….
LikeLiked by 1 person
Journaling is a clever move. It’s good that you understand the difference between Destruction and Hope.
Don’t worry, you’re not crazy. I’ve seen real craziness. Even though I haven’t seen you’re face, it is simply your words that tell me that you’re very, very sane.
Perhaps focusing on building your stamina through exercise might help? It’ll let you breathe…(See what I did there?!!!)
Sending love,
GOTW
LikeLiked by 2 people
Sending lotsa hugs and love back…..
LikeLiked by 1 person
Destruction is a friend to many of us but it’s essential that we keep it subdued and allow hope to feel like our friend. Maybe all the thoughts in your head were making you feel dizzy, maybe your stamina is actually better than you thought.
💕💕💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
I haven’t journaled in a while, but do have many volumes from years past and know how helpful it can be. Sometimes my journaling took on a dialog quality, but not to the level you’ve described here which I find fascinating. I’d like to try it. I’m very interested in what you wrote about Hope, because Hope is a good friend of mine. (Just so you know, fear and anxiety are also my friends – we go way back. I find them annoying, but they won’t stay gone long. They say they are just trying to keep me safe…. bla bla bla.) There have been times when Hope has sat quietly in the corner, so quietly, I didn’t know she was there. She just kept waiting for me to come around, and she has never left me. I believe she will always be my friend. Sometimes she can be brave and strong. I wonder if it would be possible if your Hope could have some of these qualities.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks JoAnna.
I’ve often dialogue journalled, though this was in a sense weird. It helps me access a part I don’t usually access. I get a lot more honesty. It’s like writing letters to myself in a sense (except that there i access the E that believes in me).
Fear and Anxiety could be good friends. When they let you have other friends…
Maybe Hope can be strong. I guess she must be brave if she’s living. I don’t see her well enough to know.
Thanks for the water tip. I’ve been told to cut down on water if anything. Though now I have cut down I’m pretty certain I drink enough.
Thanks for taking the time to read and share…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, and a doctor told me, when I feel dizzy, make sure I’m drinking enough water.
LikeLiked by 1 person