Last night I journalled. I haven’t really in months and months. Didn’t want to and couldn’t let myself. Which is in contrast to filling a journal within a month, or a couple months at best. Most of the 30 minutes was spent dialogue journalling – journalling with myself. I need to process what I wrote. Mainly because the style and way I was writing really phased me and makes me feel really vulnerable.
I was talking about my friends.
Destruction was my friend. But Destruction likes to be the only friend. He’s obviously not a good friend because he doesn’t know how to share. I can’t describe Destruction because I don’t ever see him. To understand why I don’t ever see Destruction think of being wrapped really tightly in someone bigger than you’s embrace. You can’t see or look at the person because that person is everything, leaving nothing else.
Hope wants to be my friend. I don’t like Hope. She is quiet and shy and I don’t know her. But she allows me to have other friends so she must be a better friend according to the definition of friends. The only reason I don’t mind letting Hope in is that she isn’t telling me not to use. She let’s me do what I want. I also don’t like Hope for I know that she won’t stay my friend always.
I can’t see Love, because Love isn’t a part of my life so I can’t describe it/him/her.
The E writing (I think, not sure how to describe it. You have to dialogue journal to know what I mean).offered to be my friend, but I’m not interested in him/her because I don’t like him/her. E said they’ll always be here, but I know they’re lying. And that they’ll be my friend whenever I let them. That I should see if Hope can be a friend because Destruction will always be there if I want. I can always go back to Destruction, but if I stay with Destruction I can’t make any other friends. Made sure to repeatedly say I can always go back to Destruction, that Destruction will never turn his back if I come so I don’t need to worry.
Writing this out doesn’t make me feel less crazy or less vulnerable. Just summarises what I wrote last night. I went on a walk with a friend right after. Which helped a bit. Though sad to see how little stamina I have. It’s not stamina but after about 10 minutes of walking was already feeling dizzy.
It makes me confused because it’s splitting way too much. And also vulnerable. I hate splitting. My ex therapist when I asked him about it (I asked him about writing to myself, why they wasn’t crazy) told me I don’t have split personality disorder because I was aware. I don’t know. Whatever.