Not for under 18.

I began writing about this here.

Destruction
It calls my name
It’s my friend
I live with it
Partner with it
Life, living
In the world
On the opportunity side
They dance with each other
Play a tug of war
They walk together
Destruction and life

Destruction
It keeps me safe
Keeps me safe in the world
Keeps me safe in my world
Even as it
Destroys
It only destroys
In some ways
Physically
Otherwise
It’s my friend

I said hello to destruction
It wasn’t bye to life
I just didn’t see life for a while
And now I do
I see life

Life scares me
Life terrifies me
For life says
He can’t live with destruction
But destruction is my friend
I’m not ready to say goodbye

When I think of life
All I want to do
Is run into Destructions’ arms
I know Destruction will embrace me
Destruction is my friend

I don’t like how far
Destruction can lead me
I don’t want to walk
All its’ paths
I like having both friends
Destruction and Life

Leaving this here.

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25 thoughts on “TW – Writing 4

  1. I couldn’t read this because you said so, but whatever it is, I’m just sending love.
    ❀ ❀ ❀

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I really appreciate it SG.
      I put the note there because some of your followers followed me and I really don’t want to spread the, can’t think of the word. For you yourself, I trust your opinion. I appreciate that you didn’t read it, for it’s not a message of love, light, and glitter, but I trust you to make your own choices.
      Sending hugs and sunshine…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hope you’re feeling better?
        Yes, I understand why you put the note. Some things are simply too dark.
        πŸ’™πŸ–€πŸ’œ
        Love always,
        GOTW

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I am. Doing both. In a safer headspace which I’m scared to jinx. Using as much which, um, isn’t necessarily safe, but one way is, so yeah πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. you know how to get off it when the time is right … old habits don’t die easy! It takes much persistent effort and right now most are struggling with that πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I’ll worry about it then. Worrying about it now makes me just take more which, it’s unsafe enough that I should definitely not do anything to make it worse.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. The thing is, is your environment at least safe in a way? Can you feel safe at home?
    When I realized that it were other people who made me think this way in the first place and when I saw that I was actually more a gift then a curse, I could fight it better.
    But I wouldn’t say that I am over it. I just know again, what I actually want and what is possible in a good way. The experiences I have and had are now helping me and others.
    Sure people can still bring me down again, if I can’t defend against their nonsense, but I don’t think that you need many words, probably got too many.

    Again, it is good that you open up, that you process your thoughts this way and maybe be an example for others who suffer silently.

    You can do this, fighting one battle at a time. πŸ™‚
    You don’t win the war within in one day.
    But we are here giving you a reason, sending you love.

    And don’t think that you now have to get better soon, like a must, as if we would leave you if you can’t. At least when it comes to me, there should never be a time limit or a condition. Often these things even cause or support this feeling. When it seems as if you “have” to feel better now because everyone seems to expect it, but you can’t. I had that.

    So at least here and for me, it is only important that you know that you are loved and that we would do more, if we could do more, at least me.

    Each day survived, is one battle one.
    Even if not every day was good, maybe most days were even shit, maybe all of them, you still survived them.
    And this means, that you are a fighter.
    You faced some of your fears, try to help yourself and try to understand.
    This is good and so many people either don’t get this far or don’t even understand things on such a level.

    Just wanted to let you know, that you are more special then you think and that you might be pretty strong after all. Of course you aren’t feeling well, the thoughts are often breaking or the pain or people (or other things – whatever is bringing you down) and that is understandable. And who said it is a crime? So don’t see it as such.
    Some people maybe say mean things because they either don’t understand or just want things to be how they see it etc.
    But if you are having a serious problem with something, it needs time, maybe a lot. But it also needs a lot of love. Love from people around you and love from your side, if you are able to love yourself more.

    I know… inside the bubble it isn’t easy, it is as if it even is wrong to love yourself (at least for me), but when I got out again, I know that there are so many reasons to love myself for. And I hope that you also find more and more of them, if not already. πŸ™‚

    You are not a machine, you are not meant to function all the time. People don’t expect a broken machine to work properly, so why should we feel bad for being the way we are at the moment or maybe for years. If machines without feelings who are broken get repair time, why shouldn’t we get it? And because in our case you can’t just change a wire or a fuse or something, you also can’t say how long it has to take or how it has to be.

    So whatever you do, it seems to work, eventhough it might not seem this way for you. And of course it can get worse sometimes, might seem pointless again. But hey, I am fighting with myself as well (eventhough it might seem as if I am a positive, happy optimist sometimes).

    “It is okay, to be not okay.” what some people said.

    Or would you expect a soldier with PTSD after fighting a long pointless war, to be happy, productive and positive? There even is CPTSD – complex PTSD.
    So if you see yourself more like a soldier, fighting a long war, maybe you forgot what for and why or who you are even moving on. Would you expect yourself to be cheerful, optimistic and full of joy for life? Of course not. (I mean, how should it be, right?)

    We aren’t machines, we have feelings, emotions and hearts.
    So give yourself a hug or maybe from someone else and know that you need time, love and people to spend some good time with. People being alone is never a good thing in the long run, although some people need some alone time to calm down. Only to your conditions.

    (Oh man… I am sorry I wrote a whole essay. I hope it helped a little or gave you some hope. If not or if it hurt you or you think it isn’t helpful for others, just delete it. Because I also sometimes don’t know whether something is helpful or actually makes things worse for someone else. Even if it might seem as if I would know from your perspective.)

    Sending love and hugs your way! πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I really appreciate your thoughts…
      I guess some points are true, just, easier to practice compassion and acceptance to others than oneself.
      I am feeling safer in my head, even if not in my actions, so that’s something… when I’ve the headspace to write more I’ll try to. It’s not so all encompassing. Which I know is a good thing.
      And I really appreciate what you said about no pressure. I feel like people are there the first moments then no longer, coz really you should change it and aren’t.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I read balance here. Balance shifts and continues to shift. I hope you keep seeing life. Life scares me sometimes, but I don’t go down that path for long and grab myself by the brain and say, whoa, let’s give equal time to being brave and hopeful…. I wish you moments of joy and peace. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Been there and still struggle. Sending lots of loving {{{vibes}}} your way!! My blog is private now. Send me a request to join please, if you still want to reflect and comment on my posts. I’m seeking a small, mutually supportive community of folks that want to join the conversation. I’ll probably blog a bit more about my disabilities now that my blog is private.πŸ™

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’d love to A, but only if you don’t mind….
      Edit: I can’t figure how to request access. Any chance you could email me your blog link to elizareasonstolive at gmail dot com?
      I’ve gone onto your posts and comments but they aren’t linking me…

      Like

  5. Sometimes there are no words, although many above found them. I don’t have them at hand. We are here for you.

    I do have some scary words. I think them at times and it’s actually your words. Perhaps destruction is life, for some of us, as scary as that may sound. Yes, we place so much emphasis on living life and therapy and positivity and change and motivation, and all that is good; but does that fit every single one of us?

    I’d go on, but I’m scared to.

    You are in my prayers, truly.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I was listening to a podcast a while ago about paradoxes in life, from selfactualized.org. The topic of destruction was mentioned in the podcast. In summary:

    Creation cannot exist without destruction, and destruction cannot exist without creation. Similarly, one who has hate cannot love, and one who loves cannot hate at the same time. They cannot exist simultaneously together, but at the same time, one cannot exist without the other. If you create more and give more, then it’s gonna be harder to partake in destruction since you can’t do both at the same time, so to speak.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment Hilary.

      It’s a really true point. Not that they can’t exist together (I’m an expert at loving and acting on the contradictory at the same time) but that the more of one, the less of another.

      Love, light and glitter

      Like

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