Guilt
Let’s start with the nausea
So so nauseous
Don’t know how to ease it
And I haven’t even really used
I want to destroy myself
People are too nice
I brought myself here
I don’t deserve it
I can’t handle okayness
I need to use
I need to mess up
I can’t do anything that may help me
I don’t want to be okay
Trying to put down
Some of the thoughts.

Alone
So very alone.
I’m really and truly not
I’m less alone than I ever have been
Even R’R is here, would be
It’s weird that he is
I guess this is the first time I’ve really reached out
He just replied that I shouldn’t do anything I may regret
That I won’t be in this space
Permanently
Yet I feel so very alone.
M has been more than amazing
As has S
And all the people on here
I know I don’t deserve it
I really appreciate it
Yet I feel so alone
It helps only for that moment
I don’t think I usually feel so alone
(In a sense it’s as though they all hold a light
Show me there’s something beyond here
Where there is destruction
And destruction alone).

Still nauseous
Did something about it so not as
At least it wasn’t bile
S said it’s not my fault
I know that it is though
I know it’s my responsibility
I know my choices are mine to own
I know I’m planning on building my tolerance level
So I don’t get so sick
I’m wondering if R’R means I should burn myself more
Rather than use
S told me to take a herbal capsule.
I can’t.
For it might help
I will take it
But I can’t.

I spoke to this NHS therapist today
Was a waste of time
I gave her honesty
Which I regret
For the chaos and waste of time
My GP called
That, she did good.
Calling him I mean.
Phone connection was really bad so didn’t ask exactly what she said.
He said she was worried about food intake too.
I’ve eaten less before.
I’ve used more before
He wasn’t worried then
So why now?

Still so nauseous…..

S says it’s not my fault
I know that my choices led me here
I don’t really know that
I don’t know what I know

I know
I know that every day is a new day
I know
I know that I get to choose to stay
I know
I know that staying (living) is a choice
I know
I know I get to use my voice
I know
I know I can’t be bothered to rhyme

It’s like this is everything
And nothing else exists
Which isn’t the reality
I taught today
The lesson was really good.
Student is adorable.
Spoke to R yesterday
Hello R, E loves you
Over and over
She is a slice of heaven on earth, too.
Yet this is still everything
May go out tomorrow evening
Though I don’t have the headspace at all
I know it will be good for me
Just as it’ll be good to go away overnight Sunday
Not the people I’ll be with
But it’ll be good
It’s all eclipsed
This is still everything
Destruction I mean. Can’t think of a different word
And that’s okay too
For it just is
For it just is
Same as I just am
Same as I just am.

46 thoughts on “Writing 2

  1. Not permanent
    Keep worrying if it helps
    Can you put down shame about the shame? You reach out for help and receive it because humans deserve compassion. You would do the same for us. It is a ghost to be nice to you, to be of service. Can you tweeter yourself to you? Not float away? Not permanent

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Writing does help.
      I thought I was better at being nice to myself. I used to be. I think.
      That’s a good point. Your third star. I don’t know. How’d you do that?

      Liked by 2 people

      1. We think you call all the Eliza’s home, with compassion. From near and far. And you ask all non-Eliza’s to leave you and return to their home, with compassion. You imagine your Elizas coming home. And repeat this whenever you feel someone has wondered and isn’t part of your experience πŸ’•πŸ¬β€οΈπŸ¦

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t really know how I can help you right now. But I think that one never really knows what exactly is right in a moment. For me it is more about the feelings, the senses.
    Your choices maybe brought you here, they may seem wrong at the moment or for the past years. Would you just take these things into the grave, then they probably were wrong, but you don’t do that. You share them and we care.

    If most people would be open about their problems, fears, broken past etc., it actually would all be less painful and harmful. We all would feel better and over time could heal together. I guess we are still some kind of pioneers in the dark sectors of self-destruction because of things which went wrong way back when we were little or other things which went wrong. The one who is more empathic and kind puts the target on themself, because they are kind and think it was their fault. Others usually search outside of them first because they don’t want to face their inside.

    So while self-destruction isn’t a good thing to do (I am also guilty of it), I learned way more this way, than by destroying others. (Okay this could sound as if self-destruction is good…
    I just meant, that when you are fighting with it, by writing about it – for example – you learn more about yourself. Each time I reached a point where I was over it, I knew it was worth the fight. Still I get into it sometimes, but I fight back again.

    Your words are needed! πŸ™‚
    Be they out of confusiong, fear, destruction or whatsoever. They have to get out.
    And when they are out, it might be weird at first, but (at least in my case) you will feel a lot better. Maybe just for some time, but just a few days feeling better than okay, is worth all the years of suffering I survived.

    I don’t know for sure how it will be for you or whether we had similar problems in the past. But I guess it doesn’t matter so much at the moment. I just want you to know that it is good that you are writing about your feelings. It helps to process, analyze and “conquer” (understand) them. And at least when it comes to me, you can’t really write anything wrong. And about emails, well just write how you want, what you want, if you want. πŸ™‚

    I am not one of standards or a social code or something. Whatever helps.
    Sending some love your way. πŸ’œ

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you J.

      There’s never anything right or wrong so long as it’s real.

      It helps to write it out. It helps a bit anyways.

      And every day is a new day.

      Definitely everything teaches! I don’t think it’s worth what you learn, but it’s there….

      I hope this weekend brings sunshine and peace world over.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Peace. Breathe. Calm.
    Spilling out your spiralling words on paper is one of the best things to do when you’re too in pain to think straight.
    Gratitude for the people in your life is beautiful. Most people lack such a trait.
    You’re right, it’s all right to feel these things. This too shall pass.
    {hugs❀️}

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Studying is great. Just took a nice long walk in the rain. Weekend is just the same… studying, sleeping, blogging. We’re still in partial lockdown, so can’t do much. Missing my friends.
        But also loving this simple, undisturbed routine. I’m a homely person- and a routine addict. The more organized and clear cut and repetitive, the better…
        Feeling great, overall. A little lonely, but at this point, I’m used to it.
        How’s you?
        Love,
        GOTW

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Walking in the rain is fun….
          Enjoy your routine πŸ’•
          I just am πŸ™‚
          Thought of you coz I taught science on Thursday, acid and alkali. You’d be much better than I!! Teaching one more lesson on it, just to help her review for her exam. I learnt about it, which was interesting to now know.

          Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry that you’re feeling like this. You DO deserve support!

    Choices… it’s true we all have choices, but if we have mental health issues, then that reduces the amount of control we have over our choices, just as a physical illness would reduce our choices.

    Therapy: it’s a shame the therapist didn’t work out for you. Unfortunately, my experience of psychotherapy on the NHS has been very variable and often negative. I think you might respond well to therapy if you could find the right one and get through the initial difficult sessions, but that’s not always possible.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. She was a good therapist… if it weren’t through the nhs and officially 12 sessions – after yesterday though I doubt we’ll be speaking.
      When I want it to change maybe I’ll try go privately. Will see what is.
      For now looking to go away Sunday night. Which might not happen.
      Do you have any shabbat plans?

      Like

      1. I don’t really have any Shabbat plans. Just a normal Shabbat with my parents. My shul is opening for limited numbers for the first time in months, but I decided not to go, as I am shielding my Mum, who has low immunity at the moment, and I was worried about being able social distance properly.

        I hope you enjoy your night away.

        Liked by 1 person

          1. Shabbat was OK. I was a bit depressed at times. I read quite a bit, learnt some Gemarah for the first time in ages to try to keep up with the Gemarah shiur in shul which was restarting today. Beat my Dad at Scrabble. πŸ™‚

            How was your Shabbat?

            Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Keith
      I really appreciate all the support here… and S and M. I don’t know where I would be without them.
      How was your weekend?

      Like

  5. Don’t know what to say but you have always been so encouraging to me, I want to say something. I don’t know if my words are enough but I’m so sorry to hear how you are feeling and that you’re struggling so much.
    xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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