Destruction
Absolution
It’s what I want
Disappear
There is no way
I want to

Get rid of myself

And I can’t
However hard I try

I walked a path
A path of okayness
Moving
So so slowly
Towards my goals
But I don’t deserve to be okay (italised so I can see this)

So I burned myself
A little more than a week ago
Knowing that the need for destruction
Wasn’t a current need
But tied in from the past
I had to do something
Because I’d realised, said, that I was
Moving forwards.

I’m not allowed to move forwards

It was meant to be a one off
It was a one off
Until last night came along
Or this morning
Since it was after midnight
I burned myself
Somehow I’ve no blisters
Which means I didn’t actually burn myself
Anything I can’t really see
Doesn’t count
And took cocodamol. Hmm. Only 9.

I didn’t want to walk onto this path.
I knew I didn’t.
I chose it anyways.
I chose it anyways.
Because I don’t deserve anything more
I chose it because I don’t know why
Maybe coz I know it
Maybe because I was anyways on it since last Thursday whilst I’ve been wrecking the blister, one of them.

Now that I’m on this path
I’m already here
There’s no point choosing anything different.
There’s no point in trying.
There’s no point in me caring.
There’s no point in anything.

Now that I’m here, I’m here.
I can’t actually see the path I was on
A mere couple weeks ago
It seems like that path, of growth, creation and learning
Is on a different mountain
I can’t see how to get there
I don’t know if I want to get there
For I know that I’ll just come back here
It seems as though
However many hours or days I may spend
In finding that path
I’ll just come back here
For I don’t deserve to be okay

I liked that path.
I liked just being okay.
I liked seeing all I was learning.
I liked seeing changes.
I liked letting go of responsibility.
I liked being able to say no.
I liked believing I was allowed to say no.
I liked letting go of guilt.
I liked knowing where I wanted to get to.

I liked that path.
Yet here I am.
I don’t really know how I got here.
I never planned on it.
I planned on staying okay.
I planned on practicing noticing my body.
I planned on learning what I feel.
I planned on exercising more.
I planned on learning who I am.
I planned on defining what I’m responsible for.
I planned on planning next year.
I planned on learning. About myself and others.
I planned on choosing.

I don’t know why I planned.
For it was a waste of time.
I’m not there.
I’m here.
I don’t know what this here looks like.

This here
It looks pointless.
It looks meaningless.
It looks empty.
It looks like a path leading to destruction and absolution
Both of which seem like better places than here.
The destination of destruction and absolution is better than the path of nothingness.

And I know, I know,
I know I chose this.
I don’t know how, but I did.
I don’t know when I should have chosen differently.
I don’t know what I could have done to stop jumping onto this path.
But I chose it.
I chose to come here.

I don’t see any other pathways leading off here.
Even if I did, which I don’t,
I don’t know if I’d walk it
I know that I’ll just come here again
That the time and energy spent getting to the path I was on
Will have been wasted
Will just hurt
If I stay here I can’t be hurt by coming back here, for I was here all along.

84 thoughts on “Writing.”

  2. Is this current? As in how you feel today, or how you felt in the past? I’m sorry if it is how you feel today.

    You DO deserve to be OK. And I think a lot of people online would miss you if you disappeared.

    Please don’t give up hope. Just because you’ve gone through some bad days or gone a bit backwards in recovery does not mean you can’t get back to where you were.

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  4. Nothing is ever wasted. I believe this so strongly, I ask you to believe it with me. You do deserve to move forward when you are ready. You also deserve to rest and take care of yourself. Your plans and growth have not been wasted. They are part of the process. There are bridges between mountains. Bridges beyond imagination. I’m praying bridges of hope become clear to you. Sending hugs and angels to comfort and guide you.

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    1. Thanks JoAnna.
      I like the thought of bridges. For it takes my view.
      I appreciate your belief 💕
      It’s funny, I hear in my writing where I’m at, I wonder if others do, too.
      Love, light and glitter

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  5. I will just take this serious as I usually do. Even if it is not.
    And this writing clearly speaks for itself.

    It got me on Sunday. This death trap of my own.
    I came to similar conclusions about my life and that I was my own problem the whole time. Only wanting destruction of my own. But yesterday night I got reminded, that my presence is needed, like yours is too.

    If I can do something for you, let me know.

    (I am J.P.K by the way)

    I think, would we all who we suffer be able to come together, we wouldn’t suffer that much anymore. Isn’t the lack of understanding, love and presence the cause of it all? Lonely, lost and doomed to die inside, doomed to live without living. But no, this isn’t how it is supposed to be and it won’t be like this forever.

    I pray for you, I send some love towards you and while I am still not really over my last “attack” I know that fighting alone the whole time can’t be good.

    This is or was an attack and it wasn’t your fault, while you might let it happen, so did I.
    When my defense got taken, the attack seemed to be lead by myself, but it wasn’t me. It was maybe a broken part of me, but it wasn’t all me. And so you also aren’t doomed, only for the moment. And I know that this sounds silly (maybe) because I also was in this for many, many years. Not this intense the whole time, but it was probably similar to your experience.

    In my case a suicide attempt woke me up again because I realized that this was far from I originally wanted. And still I am fighting. Whenever I find people like you, I know these fights aren’t worthless because then I know, I am actually not alone. 💜

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    1. I replied. And wordpress crashed on me. Skipping all I responded…
      I really appreciate your reply. It definitely helps to know I’m not alone.
      It definitely feels like my fault. My choices. At least now the effects of the cocodamol have worn off. Scares me a little for I didn’t take so much that should have been so sick this morning. Though I’ve no clue what tonight will be. But trying to stay calm with where I am now and whatever is later, is later.
      To live without living describes it perfectly.
      I don’t know if you should take it seriously because I don’t believe myself so can’t understand why others believe me…

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      1. I also didn’t believe myself for a while. Thought that other people must know more, their lives seemed to work. But well, when I was younger I knew what I wanted and what I could believe. I trusted myself, at least when I was alone. Later this got less and less. Because I was so alone with the things, that I wanted to forget it all. And I was actually successful for some time, to my own misery again. The not believing yourself part is understandable, not good, but I can totally relate. And in my case it came from a deep loneliness because of being misunderstood, growing up with weird religious believes into a hopeless world it seemed. So whenever I tried to find a positive way, I got reminded that it was not possible or very dangerous (or not from God for example). Over the years my brain got so damaged, by people, myself and all these weirdness inside, that I also couldn’t believe myself.

        But now I found the truths inside of me. The flaws I noticed in my life, the good things I forgot and all my long forgotten dreams and hopes. This year I started to live in a way. But still it got me and gets me, over and over again, this damaged part which wants to convince me that I can’t be good or that I will never be able to be free (and such things). It is the brainwashed part of me. And partially (in my case) I caused it myself, while others had hurt me before. I realized that physical pain was less harmful than psychological pain, so I supported the negative thoughts at some point. Believing that I then could finally die or at least somehow forget all my positive ideas because I seemed to be alone with them anyways. So I thought, what does it help, when I can’t find someone similar and not really talk about it either. I thought, probably better when I make my life as miserable as possible for me, so that I could die earlier.
        I used all my knowledge against me, to harm myself in the (for me) most brutal way.
        Only to find my way out of it again, facing the same reality again. But this time I found others. Even if they maybe not know what I am talking about, I know what they are talking about. What hurts me still, is that I have to use words. While with words I most of the time just cause misunderstanding, which then hurts me and I am likely to shut off and hide again. I wanted to many times during this year and even got into suicidal thoughts again sometimes. From the outside I seem like a happy guy for some, for others maybe a little behind or just a normal young adult who is kind. But inside there are worlds, there were wars, I have thought so many things through, I sometimes don’t even believe myself. Sometimes I can’t remember things for sure or figure them out right again. But after all, I know that this is okay… that is actually a wonder I still want to live and that I still live.

        I hope that our fights and struggles or whatever we do to not just give up, will not be for nothing. And I believe that there is reason for this hope. Now after all I have seen from a year ago until now. And what I have experienced throughout my life until now.

        If anything from my side should trigger something or harm you, again I don’t want that.
        And last time you asked, what I meant with it (the email) and it is because for me some words or sentences can disarm me completely. Which then leads me towards my self-destructive thinking patterns, still pretty hard-wired in my brain (no wonder after all these years).
        So I know that for some people at least, just a few words can bring them to the edge of their existence.
        This is why I often hate words because they can be interpreted so different and wrong.

        For tonight I wish you a good sleep and shouldn’t you be able to sleep or have a good sleep, at least you know now, that there are others.

        *I don’t know why exactly, but I started crying. Maybe because I partially wrote this to myself.*
        💜
        ❤

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        1. I could read the tears. I want you to meet a blogger friend I have.
          I get what you meant about triggered now.
          I liked your last paragraph. I hope I do sleep! Didn’t sleep at all last night. I’m scared. My tolerance level has changed. If I take cocodamol I won’t just stop and I don’t want to be sick for another 12 hours. That’s so not the point.
          Whenever I write to people it ends up being to myself too.
          I’ve actually learnt through here to express myself more. Though whenever I really try explain myself it just gets all tangled up and makes no sense at all. Words can never be enough.
          Not sure what I’m saying…
          Tired of this.
          It’s weird to question yourself and why others believe you when you don’t. I don’t get why anyone believes me. It doesn’t have to be true. I could be creating what doesn’t exist.

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          1. Either way, it is good that you are working on yourself, trying to make sense of things or at least process something.

            You sure could be making all of this up. When I was younger I thought, why not take something serious and be happy when it isn’t. And when it would be serious, help someone, who would otherwise be ignored.

            Of course this thinking got disturbed over the years, but I got back to it again.

            So I just want to say, that it is okay that this is weird at the moment. And I think people believe you because you don’t seem like someone who is lying or just making things up. At the moment and maybe for a long time (years, decades), you probably had no one to really talk to with these things.

            You don’t have to answer.
            But you can write me an email or whatever.

            And what about the blogger friend?

            If it helps, when I wrote my blog posts, I usually started with some idea, if even and then I just wrote and wrote and pressed publish. I hope it was okay and not too weird, some some things sure were I guess. And also my music, I don’t really have a plan or something. So you could say, I don’t know what I am doing. But I found out, that it actually is intuition in a way and maybe more.

            Okay, I don’t want to bother you any longer.
            You are special in a good way and have a great character. You probably need some time to sort yourself, someone who is there for you while doing so.

            Good night! 💜

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            1. You can’t be bothering me… I appreciate it.

              Afterthoughtskj or something like that. He hasn’t posted in a while.

              I don’t email people for I don’t know social etiquette and when I try build relationships I destroy them.

              I’m questioning myself now. Completely. SG once told me what questioning my reality means or something, I just can’t recall what on earth she said. I don’t know how not to be real. But I don’t believe myself right now. I just don’t know what is or isn’t true. So I don’t understand why others believe me…

              Too much to sort out. One day…

              Love, light and glitter

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  6. Dearest Eliza, these are truly powerful words! Are you feeling this way now? Or are you reflecting on feelings you’ve had before? If this is how you are feeling right now – I am sending prayers your way. (I do, anyhow!) You are precious and such a blessing to me and so many others. It is wonderful to have ‘met you’ and your light in this blogging world.

    Your voice is powerful and I’m grateful you are letting the healing waters flow by writing through it all. ♥ God bless you my friend. You are loved!

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    1. Thanks Holly. That’s really nice of you.
      It’s about today, but today has calmed down, so, will see what is. Last night messed me so badly today (physically), and I’ve no clue my tolerance and am not really out for more of the same. So. So I don’t know what will be when stop distraction. But that’s not now.

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      1. I am glad that you are feeling better. You DO deserve to be okay. Life is terribly difficult for us at the moment. I just try to put one foot in front of the other and not look back. Much love Kxx

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        1. I am calmer which I’m grateful for. Also am still using. Which just is. Trying not to look back but just live where I am. Not freaking as much. And just, I’m not even sure what.
          I wonder if I’ll ever know I deserve it…
          I really appreciate your support…
          Love, light and glitter

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  7. There is no past
    There is no future
    There is only now.
    There is no there, or there, or there
    There is only here.
    Here and Now, is where and when
    you are loved.
    Love to you, Dr. Bob

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        1. Why do you believe what I say? Maybe I’m just saying this but don’t actually think so? Maybe I’m just creating something that doesn’t exist …

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            1. 🙂
              You know that doesn’t answer.
              You know what I’m finding interesting, I think a number of people I’ve met online would really like each other…

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              1. Have I told you my daughter battles addiction? Addiction is the liar, and there is a stark contrast to my daughter, clean-and-sober vs. using. I tell her the same thing I will tell you. You don’t have to believe everything you think. I believe in both of you. I know there is better for both of you, unconditionally, clean or using.

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  11. We all deserve to be okay. We all deserve to be happy. There is a point to all of this, E. You can do it. I know you can. Perhaps try and find out why you keep returning to a place of darkness? What keeps you tied up there?
    Planning is never, EVER a waste of time. Planning means you tried. Planning means you desired to move forward.
    And life has taught me that if you desire strong enough and work hard enough then whatever we wish for comes to us, because WE DESERVED IT! We worked and slogged day and night for this, so it came to us. We attracted it.
    So keep planning, E. Keep at it. Planning is one of the oars that will push your boat forward.
    You are amazing. You are beautiful. You are strong.
    Wrote a poem-
    Beautiful:
    Beauty is scattered everywhere,
    All it takes is for your heart to see,
    If you look past all those veils and layers,
    You will find it- I guarantee.

    It’s hidden oh-so-carefully,
    Concealed, and locked away,
    But once you dig deeper and search harder,
    You’ll see colors emerging from the gray.

    I see beauty in the tiniest of things-
    In the chirp of a bird, in the flutter of its wings,
    In the song of the waves, in the salty ocean spray,
    In the path of the wind, in the pleasing way it sings.

    If you stop judging, you’ll see it too,
    If you stop insulting, you’ll see the world anew,
    If you stop hating, you’ll see that this is true,
    If you start believing, you’ll see the beauty within you.

    YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!
    Love always, forever and ever and ever,
    GOTW

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    1. I love your poem. It reminds me of reasons to live. All the little thing.

      I know a bit why. That’s more what I’ll have to deal with.

      I rather you read my light stuff, not the dark. Yup it will pass. It always has. Was just trying to put down what I was thinking.

      ((((Hugs))))

      Love, light and glitter

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    1. Thanks 🙂
      I didn’t really expect such nice comments from people when I posted what I was thinking. I actually planned on password protecting it as I do with most the darker posts but then I saw the replies. I don’t know how i will but i know i will. I don’t know whether the beliefs are based in today or if I don’t usually live with them, but gotta change the need for sabotage first. Else it’s pointless. For I’ll just be back here. It’s not as dark this minute for which I’m grateful. And I hope I don’t use again (was sick all morning from what I did last night. I’ve definitely lost some tolerance I had).

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        1. At least someone does 🙂

          It’s definitely self sabotage. I told SG that before finding a way to get back to the path I was on, we would have to deal with this. Else will just wreck it as soon as okay.

          I just realised that this is the first time I’ve messed up and actually reached out to others and told them. Texted SG at the time. And messaged my rabbi tonight. And others. At least I know that one of my friends really isn’t a friend. She didn’t answer the phone or reply to me. (I haven’t told all my friends, some it wouldn’t be healthy for our relationship. But I really will need their help whenever I get passed here.)

          I’m questioning whatever I’m saying. I hate not knowing if what I say is true.

          Why do you believe me? Maybe I’m lying or creating a reality that doesn’t exist?

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          1. I know you to be an honest genuine and sincere person … calling for help is a great sign, hang in there you have the strength … I have seen it!

            Get out to take photos and walk whenever you can, they are healthy outlets for you ❤

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            1. At least others seem to believe I do 🙂
              I’m trying to post some pictures and get out every day. Teaching tomorrow. Hope it goes well….
              Dizzy.

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                1. Yup. I told my sister we should go for a walk every day and probably going away overnight Sunday.
                  I wish cocodamol didn’t affect me so much physically… I’m not sure why it is when it never used to.

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                  1. I’m guessing that your body built up an immunity with regular use, now you’ve been ‘clean’ for a while it’s reacting.

                    Was often the way in hospices, when pain killers didn’t work it was usually because the person self medicated … they needed huge doses.

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                    1. Yup!!! Seriously everyone is. Both on here and 3 of the people I told (the 4th I’m sad that she’s not my friend. I’ve a couple friends I’ll tell when passed here). I find it hard to relate to. So yup, people coming to bash would be a good balance.

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            1. It’s something I’m working on a lot. However mainly only with the biggest things like self hatred. I don’t think changing the dialogue actually has taken it away but I’m not thinking I hate myself for when I do I change it.

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  13. Sending love to you. I really relate to what you write about how if we stay in a bad place then it saves us the hurt of ending up back there again. It’s hard when we start to know that even when we’ve climbed out of the darkness we likely will end up there again, but I strongly believe that each time we notice it happen we are developing more awareness and the ability to reflect and observe what has happened. Stay strong xx

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    1. I feel like I know what happened… at least somewhat. Just no clue how to put it into words without splitting myself, which I don’t like doing.
      It’s definitely easier to stay with it. For now.
      Sending love and hugs back…

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  14. There are a few excellent comments here so they may have stolen my sentiments but I’ll repeat them anyway because you need to hear them 😉

    You do deserve to be okay, you do deserve to feel better and have brightness in your days. It’s not something you earn, nor is it something you can lose. You deserve it, end of.

    What you don’t deserve is that critical voice and self-doubt. You don’t deserve that and you didn’t ask to be feeling the way you do. The easier path – staying in the hurt – is not always the best path. You’ve got off it before and please remember how it felt, which you’ve written so well here. You can and will have that again. You might even go from okay-ish days to okay days, then maybe even good days. You deserve the best days. You have more than berated yourself enough. Your inner little girl needs to be protected and nurtured, she doesn’t deserve this. You owe it to yourself to get back on the brighter path, and you can do it, of that I have no doubt. Sometimes you need to slide off in order to rest and catch your breath, but you can get back. We’re all rooting for you. I know you can do it (and I’m always right).

    You inspire, encourage, uplift and support so many. It’s time you turned the same kindness on yourself.

    Sending lots of love your way.  ♥
    Caz xxxxxx

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    1. This brings me to tears Caz… thank you….
      I can’t turn it onto myself. Though, one day maybe. And it does help to hear it again and again. To know that others think so. Even if they just don’t know enough or are fooled.
      Love, light and glitter

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      1. I know enough, Eliza. I’m not fooled. And I’m always right. Always (except for when I’m wrong 😉). I’m not confident with much, but I’m 100% confident in what I said to you. Believe it, and hopefully one day you’ll start to feel like you agree and can start to believe for yourself that you’re worth it. xxxx

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  15. I’m so grateful our paths crossed. You matter and your presence makes a difference in the world. Sending lots of loving, caring vibes your way. (((Hugs))) 💞💞💞

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    1. Thank you A. I appreciate it and hope so. I love your posts for they help me and a lot align with my understanding. You’re just true to yourself and you aren’t fighting what I am so just are honest…

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  16. You “don’t deserve to be okay,” Eliza? Agreed.

    Why force that mediocracy upon yourself when “curious,” “grateful” and “mildly hopeful” all fit so much better? You know I’m right, as does the Eliza who’s been around the last few weeks or so.

    Naturally, the pain is all-too-real, and it’s a trial your writing gives poignance. Is that all there is to say, tough? Really, does this…thing…get the last word?

    Or does part of you realize next week will be different, perhaps even better? Also, we still will be here. Working our way through the not-so-good moments, and looking for that dappled sunshine we know to be in the next room.

    Come on, Eliza, we still have recipes to try!

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    1. I do know that it will be different some point.
      Hate the nausea cocodamol causes.
      Hope to make cupcakes later – I found some smaller cases and bananas. If we don’t have pineapple – none in the shops, checked 3, will just have to make a different cake recipe.
      My friend is making a buffet style with mini foods etc tomorrow, so hope to do this and brownies after teaching today. Thankfully haven’t told her I will in case I don’t.

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  17. I’m so happy to see so many supportive comments under here. I am glad that you have people on here who clearly care and are able to “be there” when you need them. It might sound silly because these people are virtual, but I know from experience that they can truly make a difference.

    This piece of writing is beautiful. It speaks to the core. You have a way with words and you are really making us see it more and more as of late.

    Isn’t it annoying how hard you have to work on staying on path A but it’s so easy to cross onto path B??? It seems so unfair. It seems that all the progress you’ve made was for nothing but that’s not true. The progress you’ve made allowed you to stay on path A for longer than you otherwise would. And hopefully, it will help you find your way back.

    I’m sorry that times are not easy for you but sometimes the things that make us the happiest are the most difficult.

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    1. Thanks for getting it.

      Yes, it definitely helps. I totally didn’t expect it.

      I don’t know if I put it into words.

      One different thing now is how much I’ve reached out.

      Today was chaotic. I don’t want to write about it. Just chaos but maybe it’ll bring good things even though now I’m just annoyed about it. One good thing that came from it is that my dr knows, which I’m glad he does.

      Rambling.

      Love, light and glitter

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