Can you fill a cup with a crack in it?

I wonder if I’ll fully write this post. Maybe if I keep it short. I replied to this in a comment to Keith, and said it deserves a post of its own. I’m in the middle of writing numerous posts. If I don’t finish it, it just doesn’t happen. I know how to go with the flow. I don’t know how to get back to writing something I started. Well, we’ll see if this is something I’ll publish or not. Bring that I haven’t written anything yet!!!!

It’s always easiest to explain what I mean when I bring it to my life.

EV is an older email friend of mine. Someone put us in touch for that purpose. She feels old which I find funny. I guess I’ve grown up in an older family so don’t see 70 as old. Though we’ve been in touch since she was early 60s. Rambling off tangent as usual. Anyways, I used to ask her for reassurance that she was there. A lot. Until it got to the point that it wasn’t healthy. (We worked through it, got past it). It taught me a lot that relationship.

It taught me that she could never tell me enough that she was there. However much she would tell me I wouldn’t, couldn’t, believe it or hear it.

AH – my ex therapist – once told me that I wasn’t believing that he could possibly care about me.

Safety. Trust. Believing people can care. Believing you’re worth it. Believing you are lovable.

I used to think it can come from others. I used to think people can pour it into the cup. Until I learned that if you pour into a cup that has no bottom nothing can stay in. It’s bottomless. Nothing is ever, can ever, be enough.

There has to be a cup there. When there is a cup there, people can pour into it.

So is it the internal or the external?

Well really, it’s a mixture of both. The external can never be absorbed unless there is the internal. However, that’s not to say that nobody external can help you build the internal. Also, take a crack with gaps. The water stays in the cup. It may drop out and need refilling more often, but the water poured into it stays. And, people can definitely help you build the cup.

I stopped asking for reassurance in relationships. Any kinda relationship I mean. Because I realised that I didn’t hear what was said. I couldn’t hear it and the words made no difference. (That didn’t stop me from listening almost daily to AH’s voice message telling me I wouldn’t push him away).

And I feel like this isn’t worth posting for it doesn’t really say anything…

For yes, I think we all know that there has to be a cup to pour things into if we want it to stay. It has to be internally absorbed, known, for the external to make a difference. And I also think we all know that people can help you build that cup. That the external sources can help you build that internal resource.

48 thoughts on “How do you fill a cup with a crack in it?”

  1. I don’t fully understand what’s happening, but here’s how I see it. This cup which you speak of is rarely ever full. It’s human nature to be greedy, so the cup will never, ever be enough.
    You have to fill yourself with love. No amount of reassurance or comforting words can fill that cup. It’s the love you give yourself. It’s the voice you speak to yourself with. It’s the way you accept yourself that really fills that cup till it overflows.
    Hope whatever I just said makes sense!
    ❤
    Love always,
    SG

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      1. Doing great! Read a wonderful book called Buddhist Boot Camp. Meditating. Studying. Exercising. Doing what I love!
        How about you?

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  2. This was worth posting.

    In my experience, it’s hard to build that internal cup without the external, but the external doesn’t mean much without the internal. People say, “You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you,” but it’s hard to feel lovable unless someone else loves you. It’s difficult. I struggle with this a lot.

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  3. And as human beings, people cannot always fulfill a promise of love and reassurance. It would be unrealistic and unkind to expect that of them. But with God it’s different. His love is all and endures all. x

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    1. 💕💕💕
      That’s really true. When I worked through some of my beliefs and understood as much as I can some things about the world and how it exists, I finally found a safety that had never existed previously.
      How are you doing?

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  4. people can help, guide, lead, show … but unless we change our inner chatter they can never fill our cup!

    we can never fully unconditionally love others until we truly love ourselves … not saying we can’t love but it has far more depth and no strings once we love and accept ourselves ❤

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    1. The first is what I was saying. The second is really true. There is a line – love your fellow like you do yourself – part of the meaning to it is what you said. You can only love another in as much as you do yourself. It’s way easier to love others….

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  7. This post was such a sound analogy. People help us by giving us the tools to fill in those cracks, but they can’t do it for us. I know what it’s like to never be able to receive enough reassurance, that’s a tough thing to overcome. x

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  9. Good post, Eliza. Not only because it describes some of the progress you’ve made of late, but also because it applies to everyone. To each and every one of us.

    While lines, some gossamer, others gaping, lace our chalices, we also have the means to patch them. It’s our life’s work.

    Every creativity repairs one of the fissures. So does every kindness, every concern. More often than not, they come back to us eventually, replacing the crack with a glistening vein.

    The cup was shattered when we got it, yet that’s its strength, ironically, as it provides the foundation for our own unique mosaics. So interesting, that piece. So much character.

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  10. I hear ya. There are times when I create a new post, jot down the idea for it, and save it for later. 9 times out of 10, I end up deleting the draft months down the line. If I don’t write it within a week, chances are I never will.

    I thought it was absolutely an amazing post. Some people seek constant validation from others, thinking that if it just happens often enough, they will be complete. But the liquid keeps leaking out. With time, the crack widens and the need for approval grows. The cycle continues. We need to patch the cracks first, before looking for someone to pour into the cup. You’ve said it all so well.

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    1. Exactly to the first. I’ve the beginning of a post written. It’s written really well. The same kinda post as this, as in a message I want to share/explain my thoughts, not for myself. But I didn’t finish writing it. I wrote the first part. And I don’t know how to start writing it again. I haven’t yet deleted it for it’s a good post to write but at some point I’ll just delete it probably.
      I think my next post that I scheduled I’d love to share to the world. It’s a letter.

      And thanks for getting it. I like to be understood.

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  11. This post made me think, Eliza, so it was worth it. Cups crack as do people. Patches are available. I like your friend Eilidh who suggests glitter glue and how Kieth sees the patch as a glistening vein. Even with the crack, whatever YOU add to the cup spills out. Love, gratitude, forgiveness. Anger and sadness. It’s important to be intentional with what goes in the cup, to fill it on your own, and not expect anyone else to fill it for you. Sending you ❤️💡✨!

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  12. We relate to reassurance seeking and how the answer doesn’t matter. Maybe we are trying to fill an old cup trapped in time instead of our “now” cup? A long-ago version of us wants the reassurance. The reason the answer is never enough is because this version of us is trapped in time, Cant be assuaged.

    We will have to get that self into the present somehow. Soothe that person somehow.

    Very challenging. ❤️❤️💕🐦🐬

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    1. That’s a really good point of why it’s never enough. I never really thought about why, just know that it’s not and that constantly asking is harmful to both me and the one I’d ask it from (not that I never ask for it, usually indirectly).

      I hope you get out in nature today. 💕🐬🐦🐦

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  13. There was someone I cared about who was headed on a destructive path once. It was exhaustive for me, both mentally and physically, but that someone couldn’t, and wouldn’t listen. So I stopped trying. I was told some years later, that I gave up. My answer then was that I couldn’t help because he didn’t want the help. That if I at least saw I was making any kind of progress, I wouldn’t have stopped trying. But his words still bother me. Would I have made a difference if I persisted? Did I give up too soon? If i kept pouring, would I have found an end, and at least coated the bottom?

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    1. You might have and you might not have. I think the point is that you can always care about someone and be there for them, but you can never take responsibility or try get them to change. There’s someone who was part of my life who once told me that she’s never answering my questions because it wasn’t good for me. It hurt. It meant she was no longer a part of my life. It was the right thing to do. The only way to stay in someone’s life is if you can stay with the boundaries that protect you. You were never responsible to fill that cup. It could be that had you stayed it would have helped. But you did your best at the time. I guess I’m lucky that I learned pretty early not to take responsibility (well, for acquaintances, I’m still learning it).
      I’ve rambled so not sure if what I was trying to say is clear or not…..
      Sending hugs and sunshine

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      1. Eliza … I was wandering through a couple of your posts this morning and this post and the many comments really struck me, but especially the one from Jina and your answer to her …

        Like Jina, I have been there trying to help someone who was on a destructive path as well, although at the time I didn’t recognize it as that. I thought I was being helpful by trying to fix their “crack” so to speak, but because I didn’t recognize it for what it was and the fact that we were several hundred kilometres apart … it was impossible for me. With the physical distance, my young(er) age, and my personal family responsibilities at the time it was impossible for me to fix the situation and to fill that individual’s crack.

        It took me many, many years to reconcile with myself and many, many years to accept that I did my best at the time with the limited resources I had available to me. It took me all those many, many years to get through the 5 stages of grief and loss that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified in her book, and I began to finally accept the fact that I did not have to take responsibility (as you said you had learned early and are still learning) for filling that crack. I finally reached Kübler-Ross’s final stage of acceptance and it gave me the solace needed to move through and on past the grief. It gave me hope for the future. Writing about it also helped, which I finally did in a post some 35 years later.

        You also said in your answer to Jina … “The only way to stay in someone’s life is if you can stay with the boundaries that protect you. You were never responsible to fill that cup.” It’s important to recognize and identify those protection boundaries.

        I now know it’s OK to have cracks. I certainly have them. We all have them. To quote Leonard Cohen … “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” In your case, that’s how the love, light, and glitter get in. Those cracks are what make up our personal mosaic, our Kintsugi … K.

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        1. Thanks for sharing K. I think we only learn we can’t fill it after we try to. I’m glad you’ve accepted it now. I think it’s always a struggle, but is life. I’m glad the glitter gets in too. It’s funny – interesting – how I now like glitter/sparkles in real life too.
          Yes, those boundaries are essential. I was reminding myself of it yesterday. I wonder if there’s a way to know when it’s okay to step in…
          Love, light and glitter…

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