I’ve written about this before, I think.

A friend who is struggling wants a lift today. It would take 2 – 3 hours of my time. I have the time. This morning was tough and I didn’t have the headspace. I knew I didn’t have the headspace. As a side note I just curled up in bed, and was wondering the line between letting yourself be and wallowing. I’d freaked out on the phone, and wanted to just stay in bed. I knew I could get up if I wanted and do stuff but chose to stay in bed.

I didn’t have the headspace for her when I was in that headspace myself. I know I don’t really have the headspace just now either. Last night when I was with her it was okay, I was just completely drained. I told her that I don’t have the headspace. If I can later I will. I didn’t have the headspace so I said no.

I guess anyone who has followed this blog will know just how major it is for me to put myself first. To say no. Although I’m questioning if I’m really right to put myself first, I’ve put myself first and don’t feel guilty for it. I don’t feel responsible to help her do what she needs to. If I can, I can, if I can’t, I can’t. It’s not that I can’t, for in reality I can, but I’ve put myself first. And it’s not someone for whom I have to out myself second for.

I forgot I was writing this. But I think I put it down as it is. I don’t know if I’ll take her today. I doubt it. And however much I doubt myself for choosing not to, I know I can put myself first. I know I’m allowed to, and am doing so.

Love, light, and glitter

31 thoughts on “Can I put myself first?

      1. Hi Eliza – lots of good info. on assertive training is also available online.

        Being able to say ‘no’ is a key ingredient of self care, and self nurturing.
        Usually, we need to understand that it is o.k. to say no, just as it is acceptable to change our minds if we feel like it. πŸŒ·πŸ€—

        Liked by 4 people

  1. I couldn’t say it any better than Bon or Sally. Perhaps I would say it differently but the meaning would be the same. They are correct.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Sure!!!!!!!!! Are you ever coming to England? I’d love to give you one….
        Just came home after driving for the past nearly 2 hours. In a weird space.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Find a way to center yourself. Slow deep breaths in nature. Meditation works too. Actually I should meditate more than I do.

          Surprisingly enough so friends and I have plans to go to Scotland as soon as we are able. I would be happy to stop in England to say hi.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I’m quite a while from Scotland though hey, let’s see when you’re here. I had a couple people I would have loved to see come to England but they went to London, which it wasn’t possible for me to do the 8 – 10 hour round trip…

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  2. Exactly “If you can, you can. And if you can’t, you can’t”! I find it hard to gauge when I can or can’t, when I should push myself, and when not. But it’s so important to know it for yourself, but also for others.
    My best friend does this best. It’s the only person I don’t mind asking favors for, EVER. She is super honest, and will say no when she can’t without feeling overly bad and apologizing over and over. As a friend this is so refreshing, because it makes life so much simpler for me too. I know I don’t have to feel too bad, because when she can’t she’s honest. She’s the one who made me realize just how important the assertiveness is, not only for myself but also for the people around me.

    So – yay you!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks πŸ™‚
      It’s good to have friends like that….
      Not only about can and can’t, but about what’s best for you. I could have taken her out pretty easily. It was better for me not to have the pressure.

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  3. Really, Eliza, two takeaways emerge. The first is that you care, and that others recognize this in you. It speaks well of you and is your accomplishment to savor, regardless of what you do next.

    The second is that you’ve acquired the confidence to look after yourself, and to take the chance to recharge your batteries. The two aren’t incompatible. Indeed, one leads to another.

    Think about it – how can you help others when you’re in danger of capsizing? You can’t, and only by allowing yourself the resources to breathe can you develop the headspace to share with others. First, get yourself ashore, Eliza, then you’ll have a base from which to launch rescue missions.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. I definitely agree with that. If there’s no you, you can’t help others. Learning that I am allowed to say no was one of the hardest things. Though a part of learning boundaries altogether. And it’s cool to see…

      Thanks for being here…

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Great job!!! πŸ™‚ Taking care of you is the most important job you have! β™₯ The next thing is to remember that “NO” is a complete sentence. You never owe anyone an explanation for why you’ve said no to anything.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I am so proud of you, Eliza. I grew up in a home where, even as a small child, I was expected to “solve the problems of the world,”: marital, relational outside of the home, my own, etc. This pattern carried on throughout my whole life with others. I became the go-to fixer for everyone. I get exactly where you’re coming from. Sometimes we are in a mental head-space where we are able to help those around us. Sometimes, we sincerely need the help ourselves. Caretakers need to be cared for. We can’t save the world. Trying to will only slowly kill us.

    It is good that you set healthy boundaries and don’t feel guilty for it. Knowing what you need for you to be well is a great first step on the road to wholeness. Congratulations dearest Eliza, you’re doing great! β™₯

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks Holly!
      I’m glad you’re changing those patterns. And yes, it feels really cool. Especially seeing how a month ago I felt so guilty when I didn’t give what wouldn’t be healthy for me, and now, it feels cool. Trying to be proud of myself for it.
      How are you doing?

      Liked by 2 people

      1. You know your blog was unfollowed? Why??????????? I was just thinking that you still haven’t posted in a while and wondering how you were. My reader has been pretty empty recently. I’ve no idea if like a number of blogs have been unfollowed too…
        Love, light and glitter

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Good on you Eliza. I think these things come in baby steps sometimes, and I’m always in admiration of anyone who makes that choice: the choice I also need to learn. Great to hear you’ve made a good start!

    Liked by 3 people

  7. sometimes it helps me to think that if it were me asking the favor, I’d want the other person to not take offense & to be honest with me β€” & to offer an alternative, ie β€˜not every day, but once a month’ etc best of luck to you, dear

    Liked by 1 person

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