Just a thought. Trying to clarify this in my mind.

There’s a lot of darkness. There’s a lot of negativity. Some of the choices I’m making really are not the best. However, and this is a big point, I get to choose what I identify with. How I identify myself. What choices define me and what don’t.

A few years ago R’ R said to me along the lines of that it’s up to me to choose which part I identified with. It was re religion but the point is the same. I’ve always remembered it and it’s made a big difference to my life.

What do I choose to identify with?

So, I’m not eating enough at all. It’s a big part of my life today. Just a fact. True. In a big sense it’s an act of self care. There’s self sabotage involved too, but, primarily, I’m looking after myself in the best way I can. Since I cut down a couple weeks ago my mind is much quieter. Until then I’d been thinking a lot about various things I had to emotionally let go off. Re Judaism and the past. Let go so that I can choose what I want my life to be. I still have to let go, but it’s not on my mind. My friends are all really struggling with different things. It’s not so hard for me to handle.

So I’m not eating enough. The only scary part is how it makes self harm (which would automatically mean taking cocodamol) much more of an option.

On the other hand is the rest of my life.

I’ve started running and I’ve kept up with it. Much to my surprise. I think a lot about the idea of motivation. That motivation isn’t the feeling, but actually doing. Motivation is the actions and the feelings come along. I’m not motivated in some sense but I’ve kept at it and I’m so proud of myself for how far I’ve gotten, and mainly for keeping at it even when I feel like I’m literally dragging myself out.

I’ve been making my bed each morning. It might be considered minor to some people but to me it’s really major.

I’ve been aiming to write gratitudes every day. So it’s not every day. And it’s not the 50 new ones a day R and I originally set out to do. I’m still passed 900!!!

I’ve been spending time with my family and loving spending time with them. I’ve gotten to spend time with some truly special people who may be leaving soon and I’ll miss them so much.

I’ve finally realised how much I love taking pictures. I love photography. Specifically nature photography. I don’t think I care so much for pictures per se. I’ve hundreds of photos of leaves, grass, trees, sky, colours, water, birds etc. on my phone. I think I like taking pictures of birds and ducks and some animals.

I’ve been colouring and listening to Louise Hay a lot. I like her thoughts. That our thoughts define us. One thing I noticed myself doing a while ago and I’m trying to keep with it is not to say I hate myself or the like. Rather to name what bothers me and change it from defining me. It doesn’t define me. Nothing I think or do has to define me. I define myself.

I’ve been speaking to a family member who is manipulative, especially with me, a few times. It wasn’t all okay. It was better than it has been. I kept my boundaries more.

I’ve kept my boundaries with someone in my life who is struggling a lot. I didn’t take on responsibility that isn’t mine. I didn’t help, which is one of the hardest and most guilt inducing things I’ve ever done. I’ve been there for her. I’ve gone out with her. I’ve helped her in other ways. But never in a way I was worried about. Never in a way that could possibly be taking on responsibility that isn’t mine. It’s been tough. It’s been really hard to hold her pain, be there for her, care, and not let it impact me. It definitely has impacted me. But for the most part I’ve been okay with it. For the most part when I think I’m guilty for what I haven’t and am not doing (No advice. Ever.) I correct myself. It’s hard to believe I come first. I don’t believe it. I know I don’t come first. Yet I’m putting myself first.

My friends are all struggling with different things. I’ve been there and stepped back. I’ve engaged and disengaged.

I’ve written letters to friends and people so they should know that they are thought of.

What do I identify with???

I get to choose.

Until I wrote this I didn’t realise just how much is so amazing. I’ve also refused to pass opinions with some unhealthy family relationship dynamics. I used to try and speak to the people involved. Help them see what they can do differently. Used to sounds like the past. I mean just a month or two ago. But for the most part I’ve stopped. I’m trying really hard not to suggest anything. Anything at all. Yes, my advice has helped them. But it’s not my place nor my responsibility. And when any of the people speak to me – which for some is, now that I’m thinking about it, completely inappropriate (they should never ask my advice for some of these situations, asking me is crossing boundaries and inappropriate) I try to just listen. Even when they ask for my thoughts and advice. Just to not pass any. It’s not my place and the dynamics are unhealthy enough. I can’t change them. My advice wouldn’t change the dynamics. What I’ve learned most from this during the past few months of extended family time is that everyone is right. And there are shades of grey. I used to think there was a good person and a bad person. I’m seeing it’s a dance of good behaviours and bad behaviours. And they are all a mixture of healthy and unhealthy. The people I thought unhealthy are surprisingly healthy, just dealing with their pain in the best way they can. The one I thought healthiest is actually not. Hurts to see that about someone I idealise.

So there’s all the good going on. Way more than I realise or give myself credit for. Yes there’s the negative too. I’m not taking care of myself in some ways that I’m way too embarrassed to even write down. I’m not eating enough (which is an act of self care too). I’ve thought way too much about burning myself.

Life is always a mixture.

Last week I was wondering whether I wanted therapy. Because I was offered it. I know now that I don’t. Therapy, at least in the typical way, will make my life worse. A large part of why I’ve been thinking about burning was speaking to this woman. There’s something I really believe in. Embracing what the universe sends to me. The universe sent me an assessment (still continuing) to a referral I requested 1.5 years ago. This woman seems to think I should go for what I asked. Which will probably be a years wait. If she requests it, she does. She’ll probably decide next week. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t. Will I want it? I don’t know. That is something I can see and decide then.

There really and truly is so much good in my world.

What am I choosing to identify with?

I can identify with the freaking out. Or with the 1.5 hour drive that I discovered some cool roads on that I drove until I was okay. I can identify with the thoughts of ‘I may as well just burn coz it’s so easy and I want to.’ I can identify with the choice not to. I can identify with purging and not eating. Or I can identify with choosing to try eat enough not to get dizzy.

I can identify with the boundaries I don’t keep and the guilt I feel whenever I keep a boundary. Or I can identify with the knowledge and ability to keep boundaries. With the awareness I’m allowed to. With the knowledge that people who guilt trip me are wrong, and the pride and the achievement of keeping and doing what is best for me no matter how hard it is for me.

I can identify with all I don’t know. I don’t know what I want for my life or how to get there. I don’t understand or recognise feelings or emotions with myself. I can identify with what I do know. I know my field of interest. I recognise some body sensations. I can identify with how often I disconnect from myself. Constantly :). I can identify with being present in a world, something I’m always grateful for because I love it.

I can identify with what I don’t know what I think or want regard

I can identify with how hard it is to do things I care about and want to do but just don’t do them because I don’t know why but it just doesn’t happen and I really wish it would (see, no I hate that I’m not. No I’m guilty. No I’m stupid or bad. Just, I really wish I’d be doing what means a lot to me). Or I can identify with what I AM keeping to. What I AM doing and succeeding in doing.

I can identify with the good or the bad. With the present or the lack. With the positive choices or the negative. With the pride or the guilt.

What do I identify myself with?

I get to choose. I choose the good things.

What do you identify with?

This was not what I expected. I didn’t expect to ramble so much. If you read through this all, thank you…

Love, light, and glitter

I’m grateful to R’ R for the comment he said at least 5 years ago which I’m site he doesn’t recall, which has really impacted my life (effect vs affect = impact).

59 thoughts on “How do you identify yourself?

  1. I see such real health and healing is coming from this .. even your writing is clearer!

    Impressive that you are doing so well and setting boundaries, not letting negatives define you … all good stuff.
    Well done Eliza ❀

    Liked by 6 people

    1. Thanks Kate.
      Your response really touches me. I’m not sure how you see it (how do you??), but cool :). To me my writing is always a blur. Definitely helped to write and remind myself of this today.
      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree with calmkate, Eliza. Your writing is clearer. You are setting goals and boundaries that are healthy. Sometimes it is so hard to elucidate how we feel but that was a great post. K x

    Liked by 4 people

        1. πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•
          I never write drafts. When I do they rarely make sense… or they don’t seem to. When I try make myself understood I feel like I’m not understood at all. I just tangle myself up in trying to explain what I mean. When I just write I don’t think about it at all and it’s much easier. I’m terrible at the art of editing…
          πŸ’•πŸ•―βœ¨

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I think all your followers understand you really well. The joy of a blog is that you can say whatever you want, in whatever format. You can ramble if you feel like it, or rail against society. I used to be great at editing but my medication affects some of my cognitive ability. BTW, I nearly always write a draft because my thoughts are so jumbled. Hugs to you. K x

            Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for that. Very clear and unclear at the same time. Maybe the unclear part was when I was thinking about myself. What do I identify with? Some of the answers might not be the greatest.

    I like what you wrote about good and bad people.

    Thank God throughout all this, our family is together and stronger because of it. If this pandemic wouldn’t happened at a different time of our life, I can’t even imagine how it would’ve turned out. I therefore should identify with people who have it rough in that way. As I’m not privy to what’s going on behind closed doors, I don’t. I do identify with people struggling financially.

    So again, thanks. And no thanks (in a funny way), for I am a bit sad that there are some things (unmentioned here) that I identify with, but are not the greatest.

    Godspeed

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I think the point I was trying to make is that the negative choices don’t define us. The unmentioned fantasy in my world I understand a but where it comes from. A lil bit. I think the point is, k, the scenario this began was when I was talking to my rabbi about what I was or wasn’t keeping. He wasn’t yet my rabbi at that point. I asked about something. He basically told me I get to choose what I identify with. The actions that aren’t according to judaism – so I’m not keeping it so shouldn’t bother, or the actions that are, the things I am keeping. Asides that religion isn’t the factor it was now. I don’t feel guilty for what I don’t or do do.

      The idea is the same. What do I identify with? I sat in the bathroom for an hour today. It was unhealthy. I promised myself that I would take shake afterwards to give myself nutrients. It was my fault for eating brownies, maximum a piece. Whilst I was sitting there I thought about this post. How for an hour or make it 2 hours every day what I’m doing is unhealthy. 10 percent of the time. I can let that be the only factor. The other 22 hours I’m engaging in positive things. I’m struggling a lot but growing. 90 percent of the day is neutral or okay. What percentage is more? I can let the 10 percent completely take over my mind. Sometimes it feels like it does. It feels like that is all there is. But it isn’t all there is. There is so much more to my life.

      Take yourself. Yes there is 10 percent of your life, or 30 or however much that you don’t like your choices or actions. Is that what you are identifying yourself with? Is that what you are defining yourself with? The rest is the organisation you set up. The help you give to people. Your relationships which may be a struggle but also has improved a lot and as you say is becoming stronger. Your children who know they can turn to you. I don’t thing you realise just how much that says about you. There is no way I could have ever shared with my father anything. The only thing he used to care about was that maybe I wouldn’t be religious like my sister. He wanted me to get help for that reason. Not for me at all. The messages from some of your children show so much about your unconditional love and care. The rest of the time you help random strangers, like my friend who now has enough to go when the embassy finally give permission. What do you identify with? When I think of you I see the goodness. It doesn’t take away the negative choices. It’s just what ate you calling you?

      I think that is the point I was trying to make. It was about myself, about seeing all that is positive and not letting the destruction be what I identify with.

      I’ve rambled….

      Liked by 2 people

  4. What an intriguing question! What do you identify with? I immediately respond, “nothing – I’m just me” but then remember. PTSD groups, other people with autism, churches, online Christians – they all have a part of me. My own rabbit trail calls.

    Will you ever really be able to answer the question for yourself? Will any of us?

    Liked by 3 people

  5. This post is absolutely brilliant and a self guide too!
    How ya doing buddy!❀️❀️
    Happy BLoGgiNg!!πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰πŸ€©πŸ€©πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I’m so glad to see you like this. It’s amazing to see you feel motivated! It’s also really awesome that you’ve set all your boundaries. You’ve made goals.
    You’re basically giving yourself direction, which is what most people find hardest to do.
    You’ve looked inside yourself, understood yourself, and accomplished what most can’t.
    And that’s outstanding!
    Also, I can’t agree more about the part that our thoughts define us. It’s so true.
    Love always,
    SG

    Liked by 4 people

    1. πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’• SG
      Was thinking of you.
      Thank you for reading!!!
      Hope today is better still and that you get to study…
      Looking forward to your next posts….
      πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I can relate to so much of this, Eliza – especially the struggle with co-codamol and learning to keep my mouth shut when others don’t really want advice. Listening is enough and trying to ‘fix’ everyone is an impossible task.

    I love how you’ve set out these issues and your understanding of them in a rational matter.

    I found this post very helpful. ☺

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thanks for reading Lesley and taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. I didn’t think it would be helpful to anyone other than myself – writing it was really helpful as was rereading it today after what I did – but if it did, I’m so glad.

      I hope you don’t keep struggling with cocodamol:( logically the risk of OD’ing is scary.

      Sending sunshine and sparkles

      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I look at this post as a journey. You finally got to the place you needed to go. You are seeing all the good things about yourself and giving yourself some grace. Good for you!

    Liked by 4 people

  9. We probably identify 99% with all our regrets and mistakes and trauma. They are not 99% of our actions our experience. So this is interesting to thought-challenge.

    Running is an exciting metaphor for goal-setting, process, etc. So is photography: focus, zoom in, pan out, Center, what’s hidden in the background, etc. Birds!! Yay! 🐦

    Since everything is impermanent, we try to non-identify. Everything passes even if consequences outlast the action. If we are not going to be our failed and traumas, we don’t think we can be the glitter either πŸ˜”

    Still, if we are no thing, we can try to be in the Now more.

    We wish we could be present more. Suffer less. We wish less suffering for you, too. πŸ’•β€οΈπŸ’•β€οΈ

    Liked by 3 people

    1. That makes lotsa sense.
      Yup, that’s the point I was trying to make…
      I hope to study mindfulness to be more present. I did an MBSR course once and was more present whilst doing the course. I wonder if I do the course again if this time it will last.

      I love the metaphor of photography…

      Thanks for reading and sharing…

      Sending hugs and sunshine

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I like the idea that you are not your actions. There’s you, perfect and loving (love incarnate, actually), and nothing you could ever do or think will change that. You can be the witness that observes what you are doing and feeling in a given moment, and that gives you some distance from who you seem to be, but your beautiful, shining soul, the part that will still be long after this lifetime, doesn’t change at all.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Choices. Yes, Eliza, you got that one right, they identify us, both to others and, much more important, to ourselves.

    Much on your mind right now, which is a good thing, a welcome improvement. It’s a good choice, to identify yourself as Eliza the Thinker.

    Many options you’ve given yourself, Eliza. Give them all some thought, as you’re beginning to do, and choose what’s best for you. Some identifiers will be for the better. Others may take a little work. Either way, it gives us plenty to discuss. There’s another identity – Eliza the Converser.

    Reading that you’re not eating makes my foodie’s heart ache. Only for the time being, one hopes. Whatever became of the brownies? Didn’t we discuss substituting olive oil? May this be just a dream put off until tomorrow (or, maybe, this evening). Hungry yet? Eliza the Baker awaits.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I ask my self that question every time I’m in a desperate situation! Who am I? Is this what I want? What am I? Sometimes the greatest boundaries we face are self made…. and we stand in front of ourself and ask that question…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love this thought. The is this what I want? It didn’t stop me sh’ing. Did stop me using.
      The is this where I want to head. Is this what I want for my life…
      Sending hugs to you….

      Liked by 1 person

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