So, I spoke this woman. She seemed nice. For a referral from a year or so ago. I don’t know if I want therapy. I don’t know what I want. I know that I should be open to the messages the universe sends to me. It, and the next couple appointments are just assessing to see whether this service can offer me what I want. If they can’t it’ll be another waiting list, which I don’t know if I can be bothered for.

What do I want?

My pretty immediate goals – not specifically for therapy, but for myself in life – are: to know what I feel when I feel it and have the ability to handle it – the mind/body connection. I’m present in the world. I never used to be. It’s something I’m so grateful for. To be present. I’m constantly grateful that I’m no longer doubting my own existence or wondering if I’m living in a dream. I doubt myself. I doubt my thoughts. I doubt what I say. Because I don’t feel it, it’s fleeting. It can change. If I start shaking I can just stop. If I’m freaking out I can cut off. Or, I do. I cut off and tune out and it’s never a choice. But it’s not tuning out of the world. It’s tuning out from myself. So that’s one thing I want from therapy. The mind/body connection.

I doubt my boundaries. I think I have boundaries but I doubt it constantly. I wish there were some way of just knowing. And I want to be able to keep my own boundaries with someone specific in my life. I find it really hard to let go of responsibility that isn’t mine. I’m doing it. I’m letting go. It takes a lot of processing until I get to that place of knowing that ‘This is not my responsibility. This is not mine to carry. It hurts to see. It hurts to do nothing. There is nothing I can do but be there.’ Which I am. I’m there. It’s easier to be there for others than yourself.

I’d love to know what I want from life and where I’m heading. I feel like I should at this age know what I want, and should know where I’m heading, like I should have some even if very vague plan. I don’t follow through. Don’t have stickivitus. Motivation is doing something even if you don’t want to. I just need to do anyways. Very easy to say, much harder to actually do. Hey, I’m doing that with running, even when it’s really tough. Which means I should get up.

Something to think about for next week is whether I want therapy, and if I do what kinda therapy I want.

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65 thoughts on “58720 – Do I want therapy?”

  2. I’ve followed your blog for a couple of posts, Eliza. Very interesting.

    Jesus is a great anchor for the soul, and I have been in therapy and would like to recommend it – conditionally.

    The condition being that you walk in, state your purpose for being in therapy and ask for a “take away” each time you visit. A “take away” can be an assignment, or simply an idea that you created while in the therapist’s office.

    I’m sure the events that led to my PTSD are not similar to your concerns, but I found that having a purpose on the way in and an idea on the way out, made the whole process worth it.

    Best wishes.

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    1. Thanks Alive! I love that advice of a take away. I hope I remember it!!! It makes lotsa sense. There are definitely some things that can be taken away (like knowing how to keep a boundary) and some would be seen playing out in real life (being aware of what’s going on).
      I really appreciate your comment….
      I hope this blog isn’t boring you 🙂
      Connection to a source, two way prayer, I find really helpful. The awareness of infinity has given me that anchor (I’m jewish) which I’m so grateful for. It’s a bit weird. In the month or so since I started doing two way prayer I’ve written three songs during that time expressing what I need to hear.
      Take care of yourself…
      Love, light and glitter

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    1. I don’t want to turn away anything the universe sends to me. I wasn’t looking for therapy. If you’d asked me before I got this letter I would have said it’s the wrong thing for me at this time. But I really believe that we’re given messages to head. If the universe sends this to me how can I say no? So I actually plan on seeing what she says next week. And just following her suggestion. I’ve told her what I still feel like I need to learn. Most therapies don’t give that. I’ll see what happens. If i know of a therapy or service that gives that I’ll suggest it too.
      Why am I rambling?
      Thanks kevin…
      Love, light and glitter

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      1. Depends on what kind of learning you’re thinking about. One can learn much from the light that shines within as we explore the inner core of ourselves. This is the ultimate goal of therapy is it not? Good luck with whichever path you choose. 🙂

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  4. Have you had therapy before? And do you know what kinds they are offering you? I found counselling very useful for a lot of reasons, some of which aren’t really what you might expect. I don’t know how I’d get along with something more structured like CBT though.

    Did you have your run and how was it?

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    1. My run was good!!! I did week 4 and although it was tiring I managed it. I definitely rather earlier in the day. 5 entire minutes. I’m finally beginning to see my stamina strengthen if that’s the word.

      I’ve had therapy, where it was about building the relationship. We wrecked it after a year – we meaning the therapist and I. Enough so that now this women asked about video I said no way (we did skype therapy).
      So counselling would be a waste of time. I can tell you everything I know. CBT would be a waste too. She told me to think about what kind I want. This was an assessment, and next week too, to see if this service can give me what I need or not. Otherwise they’d prefer it out of the borough (you’re english, yeah? You’ll know what I’m talking about if you are otherwise you’d be, wait, what??). I told her the first 2 points that I wrote here as in what I want from therapy. And gave her examples and the real life situations it plays out in. She seemed to understand. When she told me to think of what kinda therapy I want I told her she’s the therapist, so she should know more than me what would give it to me. I used to want DBT but really I’m looking for something more Mind/Body oriented. DBT would be helpful for some things, even lots, but it won’t give the connection. It won’t help me be aware of what goes on in my body. Maybe SE. I’m not really sure. And am I even interested in another referral that would take another year? I hope in a year I have the connection even if it’s hell to deal with. If I have the connection and then can’t deal with it DBT would be useful. Whose name should be rambles now????

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      1. You can ramble all you like 🙂 Yes I am from England so I know what you mean, and I know all about the long waiting lists too!

        Well done with the running and I’m glad you’re enjoying it. Is that five minutes of running without stopping? I remember when I started and running 60s without stopping made me feel like I was going to die 🙂

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    1. 🙂 I’m open to anything. Lol. I am. I wasn’t looking for therapy but if the universe sends it… she asked me to think what kind I want. Which I’m not sure about…
      💕💕💕

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    1. Thanks M
      I’ve decided not to make a decision but to see where it takes me and if I need to decide later, decide then…
      Thanks for passing by…
      Love, light and glitter

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  8. I have a feeling this is an important time in your life. You’re identifying what you do want for yourself and what you need to work on. It’s okay if you don’t have a clear life plan right this minute. It’s okay to work on you for now. I worked as a therapist for 30 years. And I also found therapy for myself helpful during certain times in my life. One of the things I’ve had to work on is codependency. Maybe that’s why this sentence jumped out at me: ” It’s easier to be there for others than yourself.” It takes practice to be there for yourself, but some people believe you have to get at the underlying issues, too. A therapist told once, “Include yourself in your circle of compassion.” That was my mantra until I learned to do it. Not that therapist tell you stuff like that often. Most therapists ask questions and listen more than talk. I personally like CBT and DBT for building skills, but it’s also nice to just have someone objective to bounce ideas off of. I believe therapy worth a try, especially when you communicate what you want to get from therapy which you’re already doing. You mention wanting a mind-body connection. That makes me think about something like yoga which might be a nice complement to running. Great job on the running by the way! So, that’s my 2 cents. I wish you the best, Eliza! ❤

    .

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    1. Thank you JoAnna, this is really thoughtful. I appreciate it…. I love that sentence 🙂
      DBT is originally what I wanted. This service don’t offer DBT though and if I want anything not from them it’ll be another referral a year later. When this is over I’d love to look into yoga. I guess it is okay not to know. I just wish I did:) it’d make life easier. Personally I don’t want to address the underlying issues in therapy because I can explain them to the nth degree. I can tell you what, why, where. The only talking about would be a waste of time just so that the therapist understands the what, why, where. And a good therapist should be able to help you move further without knowing that. So I think.
      Whatever happens will be okay. I’m trusting the universe to lead me where I should go. I didn’t plan on therapy for some valid reasons. If this is where the universe leads me, I’ll head there. If it ends in nothing, it ends in nothing…
      Love, light and glitter

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  9. I skimmed through one of your replies to a comment. It’s unbelievable to me to hear that a therapist asked you what therapy you wanted. Yes, they should know. You’re not a professional in the field of psychology (correct me if I’m wrong).

    The questions that you posed are questions I think many of us struggle with. The fact that you have control over your body (can stop shaking when you want to), is a great start, I believe.

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  10. Sometimes I think we’re both the same in so many way! Each post I read of yours shows me a glimpse of myself… same for this one! I have really bad anxiety and its been going on for so long, but I haven’t gotten help yet! I don’t know what I want!

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    1. Do you have the motivation and stickivitus to follow through an online course? There’s a free MBSR (8 weeks mindfulness based stress reduction) course online that if I would actually do I’d love to do.

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  11. I think the kind of therapy and the personality of the therapist is very important. Some counselling that is not so intense may help, short term to think about having a plan or … counselling helped me with a tricky divorce, gave me head and heart space and stopped the build up of too much thinking. TM also helped relieve stress in the body and mind without too much of having to think too much. You seem as if you are finding the way that’s right for you. Take care. Love and glittery lights.

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  12. So relatable. To be like a leaf and let the wind and water (your elements) carry you. Can’t think of anything more valuable you could be doing with your life energy than getting to know you and be safe now 🌊🐬🐦 💨

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  13. Knowing what you feel when you feel it and having the ability to handle it sounds like a great goal, in therapy or not. I have struggled with that too over the years but seem (?) to be improving slowly over time? Currently, physical sensations / pain / nausea etc. are the hardest things to pin down and describe I word other people understand, and to handle. Good luck with whatever you choose / whatever happens!
    Sending some sparkles to you ✨

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    2. Thanks! Yeah, physical sensations are hard to know… that’s really the main thing I want, regardless of therapy. So will see.
      Thanks for reading and passing by…
      Sending sunshine and glitter back. I like sparkles 🙂

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  14. Coming from someone who has sought treatment many times, I say do it. For me, it was an opportunity to explore myself, my thoughts and bounce them off of someone I barely know. It was refreshing to hear that I wasn’t alone. There were people willing to help me or point me in the direction I needed. I feel you may be a lot like me, very in your own head. Over the years I have tried many things to help me through my journey and one of those things was of course writing about it. But, there are so many other things that I found also worked. You just need to take the time for yourself and do you. There is a book that I read a very long time ago that started me on my journey to get better or at least allows me to exist. It’s called ‘The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer. I have others as well, but this is a great place to start. Never give up trying to find that you that’s deep inside there buried. I’m myself am only now seeing the statue beneath all the concrete of life. It’s not easy, but it’s also not impossible to be you again.

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    1. Thanks for your thoughtful response Ash. I really appreciate it… completely in my own head 🙂 and writing definitely helps though trying to write less. I’ll check out the book. I like the title name…
      Love, light and glitter

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  15. Good for you for sticking to your running. I have found that sticking to running has helped me not give up on other areas of my life. Running teaches us that we can do hard things.

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    1. Definitely Da-al. One think I want to bring up is the doubt when I keep my boundaries that I did the right thing. Though I’m getting there 🙂
      Love, light and glitter

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  17. therapy is fucking hard eliza. but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing. i have been seeing mental health professionals of every flavour since i was 15 or so… and here i am 5 years later, some problems sorted, some resurfaced, and some new ones emerging. i would look into what kind of therapy you want. i found dbt the most practical, since cbt just made me focus on my thoughts more. dbt will probably help you achieve your goals too, there are four sections, and i think two of them would be especially helpful to you – mindfulness (the mindbody connection) and interpersonal effectiveness (building and maintaing boundaries). even if you just have one appointment to see if you like the therapist or not, that’s massive progress. i always have a ‘tester’ appointment to suss out their style before i commit to ongoing sessions.

    maybe also look into schema and act, they have been recommended to me as eating disorder specific therapies.

    stay strong and stay safe x

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    1. Thanks for this Rosie. I had this appointment because I had asked for DBT. If they decide they can’t service me they’d refer it on. Which would be another years waiting list. So I’m not sure… will see what happens…

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  18. You should do whatever makes you feel good. Remember that you might not click with your therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist immediately but give it some time. I recently thought about therapy despite having an excellent psychiatrist (he can only give me limited time) and I am still thinking about it… Sending a glittery hug to you. K x

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    1. Go for it??? I’ll see what happens. Kinda deciding to present my thoughts including all I just thought of if I can and then leaving it up to her what will or won’t be. If I’m open to whatever happens and have been honest about what I think the results aren’t in my hands.

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