The world is a good place.
I feel guilty. A friend needed help I couldn’t give. So I didn’t give it to her. I could have gone beyond myself. I didn’t. She called an acquaintance of hers who stepped in and arranged do much for her. I couldn’t have done what this acquaintance did. I couldn’t have done at least a part. And I didn’t do anything. I knew what was going on and I didn’t help. I feel guilty. Mostly I wasn’t wrong. Yet in some way I was wrong. I should have done something and did nothing.
I feel guilty.
My hoodie doesn’t fit me. The one I love that I had to buy for the make. Not the kind of brand name most people would think of. A sports brand that I think is cheaper end (not writing the name because all who know me know how obsessed I am with this particular brand that is now defunct). I just always loved the style. The ‘brave new world’ on the inside. I dunno. I just like it. So I have one that was too small coz I gained weight. I finally found another – also coz I’d only buy it on sale for I’m not paying 50 quid for a hoodie! I bought it. Haven’t really worn it. Now I’ve gained weight and it’s way too tight…. and the brand is defunct so unless I buy on Amazon a still bigger size for what I consider a fortune I won’t have one. Which means I need to lose weight if I want it to fit me. And my bras. And half my clothes. I wasn’t caring. But argh. I dunno. The only way I know to lose weight is to stop eating… not going to at the moment. But. But. But. It’s a thought. And I’ve been doing stuff occasionally for the past few weeks which I haven’t let become an ED. Haven’t engaged with the mindset. I thought it wasn’t here. At the moment way too close for comfort. I don’t know how to step back. And, I’m not sure if I want to.
Been writing gratitudes on the way to 26000. Up to 400 or so now. Aiming for 50 or more a day. Then for 2 years time maybe I’ll get to 27000. Seems daunting. But if I look just at one more (which it takes lots of thinking for, each one has to be different!) then it’s not that daunting and is more doable.
My room is pretty tidy! It’s nice to have a clear room…. and I’ve even swept it a couple times… trying to take care of myself, too.
I’m not going to work for the moment, maybe I will from home, not sure at the moment.
I have been there for above friend in other ways. To listen to her. Just didn’t step in when she really needed help and there was no one to do anything. ‘Just’.
Trying to study. I was thinking about life. Where I want to be. To ever get a job and earn enough money to rent an apartment I need at least some qualifications. I’m paying school off for a course I’m taking – they laid out the money for me. I may as well do the assignments. I would love to get a BA and then an MA in educational psychology. The only way I’ll ever get a BA is if I actually finish the course I’m signed up for. Do the next part which will take another half a year. Looking at a year plus of study. If I actually do it. I’m trying to. Something I’ve been hearing and repeating a lot is that motivation isn’t ways there. It’s just doing it anyways.
So long as there’s life, there’s hope.