The world is a good place.

I feel guilty. A friend needed help I couldn’t give. So I didn’t give it to her. I could have gone beyond myself. I didn’t. She called an acquaintance of hers who stepped in and arranged do much for her. I couldn’t have done what this acquaintance did. I couldn’t have done at least a part. And I didn’t do anything. I knew what was going on and I didn’t help. I feel guilty. Mostly I wasn’t wrong. Yet in some way I was wrong. I should have done something and did nothing.

I feel guilty.

My hoodie doesn’t fit me. The one I love that I had to buy for the make. Not the kind of brand name most people would think of. A sports brand that I think is cheaper end (not writing the name because all who know me know how obsessed I am with this particular brand that is now defunct). I just always loved the style. The ‘brave new world’ on the inside. I dunno. I just like it. So I have one that was too small coz I gained weight. I finally found another – also coz I’d only buy it on sale for I’m not paying 50 quid for a hoodie! I bought it. Haven’t really worn it. Now I’ve gained weight and it’s way too tight…. and the brand is defunct so unless I buy on Amazon a still bigger size for what I consider a fortune I won’t have one. Which means I need to lose weight if I want it to fit me. And my bras. And half my clothes. I wasn’t caring. But argh. I dunno. The only way I know to lose weight is to stop eating… not going to at the moment. But. But. But. It’s a thought. And I’ve been doing stuff occasionally for the past few weeks which I haven’t let become an ED. Haven’t engaged with the mindset. I thought it wasn’t here. At the moment way too close for comfort. I don’t know how to step back. And, I’m not sure if I want to.

Been writing gratitudes on the way to 26000. Up to 400 or so now. Aiming for 50 or more a day. Then for 2 years time maybe I’ll get to 27000. Seems daunting. But if I look just at one more (which it takes lots of thinking for, each one has to be different!) then it’s not that daunting and is more doable.

My room is pretty tidy! It’s nice to have a clear room…. and I’ve even swept it a couple times… trying to take care of myself, too.

I’m not going to work for the moment, maybe I will from home, not sure at the moment.

I have been there for above friend in other ways. To listen to her. Just didn’t step in when she really needed help and there was no one to do anything. ‘Just’.

Trying to study. I was thinking about life. Where I want to be. To ever get a job and earn enough money to rent an apartment I need at least some qualifications. I’m paying school off for a course I’m taking – they laid out the money for me. I may as well do the assignments. I would love to get a BA and then an MA in educational psychology. The only way I’ll ever get a BA is if I actually finish the course I’m signed up for. Do the next part which will take another half a year. Looking at a year plus of study. If I actually do it. I’m trying to. Something I’ve been hearing and repeating a lot is that motivation isn’t ways there. It’s just doing it anyways.

So long as there’s life, there’s hope.

E

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28 thoughts on “24985 – rambling update. (Could be triggering.)

  1. You can’t be everything to everyone. Guilt is not a healthy trait. Trust me, I’ve had to let it go. But the times you do offer support ~you give what others can’t. You’re uniquely designed!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks K! I’ve let most past guilt by…
      I don’t know if I made the right choice though I’m glad how things turned out…
      πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Another point in the helping others…. just because you can doesn’t mean you’re obligated. There are times I don’t help others because I’m giving myself time to relax. Others I’ve done for and they’re not helping themselves so I say no, don’t answer my phone, etc. At the end of the day, taking care of ME is what counts. NEVER feel guilty about taking care of yourself, whatever that means.

    Try not to give in to the stop eating urge in weight loss. Not the route to go. It’s a slippery place in my experience.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks! I’m not obligated. I dunno! You know when you’d do something for one person so really maybe you should’ve for another? I’m glad I didn’t too. No comment on the eating. It’s the mindset more than the actions. Lived without it for 3 months. Which I thought meant everything had changed (without wanting to use or SH either). No point thinking about it. There’s someone I can ask to do energy work to help or work through it, but…. I’m not sure what I want.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I do energy work and distance healing, too. πŸ˜‰ Also psychic readings!!!!

        It’s a journey getting beyond guilt.

        I’m distancing myself from a dear friend right now do to the negativity. It’s not good for me right now. I can help this friend, but helping that friend means not taking care of myself. I have no feeling about it.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Cool!!! Do you know what the energetical release where you put your thumb and a finger in a circle, spread your arms out (release the need), put it in front of you, then put your hands flat on your chest, is called?

          Good luck with that… that’s really tough to do… sending hugs and strength…

          Do you ever get long rambling comments filled with pain that make zero sense? Someone replied to this post, it’s a pending comment, and some of it is about me as in the love light and glitter (which is fake according to him?) But makes zero sense. Taken a lot of my words and says he’s angry with me etc (makes zero sense because it’s obviously not about me, I’ve never been in a relationship). I’m wondering whether to approve and reply, or email him, but, dunno…

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Every once in a while I do get the crazy comments. Not often. My way of dealing with them is to just ignore, not approve and not respond. It’s been very effective. I don’t put energy into stuff like that.

            I’ve never heard of that energy release. I don’t work that way. πŸ™‚

            I appreciate the words of encouragement and support with my friend. It’s easy for me. I worked in mental health for about 15 years doing crisis counseling to prevent hospitalization and I was a social worker. I have no problem with boundaries and knowing what’s mine and not mine.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. What way do you work?
              I struggle with boundaries but that will change. I’m glad that aspect is okay… I hope you don’t miss her too much…
              πŸ’•πŸ•―βœ¨

              Liked by 1 person

              1. I work interdimensionally. Hard to describe in a short answer. I work from a place of deep meditation depending on what I’m doing. Most of it is having my 3rd eye open and going from there.

                I don’t miss him. We’ll be contact again soon. πŸ™‚ He’s my best fried and my neighbor. Time apart can been a good thing. πŸ™‚

                Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow! I am impressed – 50 gratitudes a day? That’s amazing. I was going to try to write 1,000 but got stuck around 92. I only wrote 1 or 2 a day, though. Hang in there! Hope your weekend is good.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You can start again πŸ™‚
      I think when you start to ramble it’s easier. But when you sit there with a pen it’s really tough.
      Thanks!
      My weekend was okay. My brother is here with his kids and his nearly 2 year old is adorable.
      How was yours?
      Love, light and glitter

      Like

  4. Awww… Feeling guilty isn’t wrong or right. It’s confusing and sorta all-consuming. Somethings are just beyond are ability, and that’s OK. Nobody is perfect. Nobody can do everything. That’s what being human means. πŸ™‚
    The urge to stop eating won’t hep you in any way! Food is sustenance. If there’s no food, there’s no life.
    Stay safe!
    Sending hugs and love… πŸ€—πŸ₯°πŸ’

    Liked by 2 people

  5. You do what you can…sometimes I can’t do anything more than just survive. Often, with C-PTSD, I’m struggling to do the most basic of self-care. Good work on the gratitudes!! I don’t think I could think of nearly as many…let alone aspire to 50 a day! Stay well and stay safe.

    Liked by 1 person

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