I’m freaking out. And, I don’t know how to do it. I don’t think how to handle freaking out. I don’t know how to be with it. I guess I do know. Freak out. Know it’s okay. Just be with it. Sounds so simple. It should be simple. It isn’t simple. Coz I don’t know how to be with it. Exiting is so much simpler.
And yes, I know I’m okay. And if I check our that’s okay. I don’t actually want to mess up. It isn’t worth it. Though that is all that works. Really and truly works. Though, checking out is simpler. Simple in fact. And is what I’m going to do. I’m not sure how much choice there is. Especially when I have half left it too.
I wonder if I’ll ever know why I freak out, and how really to deal with it. For now, checking out and escaping in healthy ways probably is okay. I was actually aware of freaking. Which is more than what was in the past. Maybe I’ll write more later.
Edit. Coz I cut off so easily I wonder if it’s real or if I create it. Logically at a different time I know it’s real. Though now, I wonder. And I was writing elsewhere that I’m not handling it. But, yay me, too. I did stay with it for a bit. Yes, I’m sitting here totally peaceful here with a smile on my face. I’ve completely cut off from anything I was saying about this and what I do or don’t want. Yet, I stayed with it for a bit. I freaked out and i stayed with the shaking and not breathing for a bit. I didn’t know how to handle it. And i stayed with it. Jot for long. But for a bit. And i don’t want this. I want the world to be sunshine and sparkles. And the world is sunshine and sparkles. And they’re both true. Even if I don’t really know that just yet. And regardless of what happens, even if I mess up – which isn’t on my agenda at all – it is okay and I am and will be okay. And even if I cut off, today I was present for a bit. Which is longer than I usually am. Nowhere near present with my body and I’ve been noticing the distance recently and wishing I could bridge it, and being grateful for being present in the world which I never used to be. But that’s all another story.