I’m freaking out. And, I don’t know how to do it. I don’t think how to handle freaking out. I don’t know how to be with it. I guess I do know. Freak out. Know it’s okay. Just be with it. Sounds so simple. It should be simple. It isn’t simple. Coz I don’t know how to be with it. Exiting is so much simpler.

And yes, I know I’m okay. And if I check our that’s okay. I don’t actually want to mess up. It isn’t worth it. Though that is all that works. Really and truly works. Though, checking out is simpler. Simple in fact. And is what I’m going to do. I’m not sure how much choice there is. Especially when I have half left it too.

I wonder if I’ll ever know why I freak out, and how really to deal with it. For now, checking out and escaping in healthy ways probably is okay. I was actually aware of freaking. Which is more than what was in the past. Maybe I’ll write more later.

Edit. Coz I cut off so easily I wonder if it’s real or if I create it. Logically at a different time I know it’s real. Though now, I wonder. And I was writing elsewhere that I’m not handling it. But, yay me, too. I did stay with it for a bit. Yes, I’m sitting here totally peaceful here with a smile on my face. I’ve completely cut off from anything I was saying about this and what I do or don’t want. Yet, I stayed with it for a bit. I freaked out and i stayed with the shaking and not breathing for a bit. I didn’t know how to handle it. And i stayed with it. Jot for long. But for a bit. And i don’t want this. I want the world to be sunshine and sparkles. And the world is sunshine and sparkles. And they’re both true. Even if I don’t really know that just yet. And regardless of what happens, even if I mess up – which isn’t on my agenda at all – it is okay and I am and will be okay. And even if I cut off, today I was present for a bit. Which is longer than I usually am. Nowhere near present with my body and I’ve been noticing the distance recently and wishing I could bridge it, and being grateful for being present in the world which I never used to be. But that’s all another story.

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31 thoughts on “596274”

  1. I think I had a moment really similar to this, Eliza, and I will write about it in the coming days, probably. But for one am finding it entirely confusing and trying to do this thing people describe as ‘sitting with it’ (an entirely alien concept to me!). I hope you’re okay.

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    1. I edited what I wrote. Yes, I’m okay. I’m grateful for cutting off coz it means I’m not thinking of messing up at all. Though it makes me question whether it’s real at all or not. I kinda thought coz it was good it’d just be and stay good. If that makes sense. Though I’m also annoyed with myself for cutting off coz in some sense I was really present with it, more so than usual, and there was no sense of not being okay just that I don’t know what to do with this, and I definitely chose a bit to cut off. I don’t think it was all choice but a lot was. And I don’t even know if I was freaking or if I’m just saying I was. Should stop thinking so much. It’s a waste of time. It’s not like I don’t have a lot of the answers. Dunno.

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  3. wow I don’t believe you posted this about the same time you wrote that profound poem in my comments section! I thought she has really “seen” it and then you say you are freaked out … you know it’s just your mind playing games 🙂

    Take some deep breaths and do whatever you need to chill out, love and light xx

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    1. They’re both true. I wrote that to you in the middle of this (before editing it).
      Freaking out is okay. It’s probably my way of processing everything going on here which I don’t yet know how to process. Cutting off from freaking is also okay. I stayed with it for a bit. And, all really is good. Started doing from couch to 5k. Done day 3 today and hope to repeat on Tuesday before starting week 2 next week. Tuning in to a consciousness/source each morning, just being, writing anything that comes if I want to, lotsa family time. Will see if can use this time also to process and let ho of a lot of negativity to Judaism. There’s lots good. And, freaking out, anxiety and panic are also okay. And I know that I am okay either way so long as I don’t mess up it’ll pass. And even if I do mess up, then I’ll learn from it. The one thing I really want is to process emotions normally, feel them at the time instead of just suddenly freaking out with no clue why, but that will happen one day. And why have I been rambling? That makes me feel self conscious to do so. Also, with all that’s been going on, the people I’d usually discuss some of it with aren’t available so can’t talk to anyone, and 2 people have been turning to me and sharing with me and weighing up they need me to listen more than I need the space. So there’s that too. Which is also good. Coz everything, including the negative, is a learning game.

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  4. I want to freak out and sob and cry, and sometimes I let myself have this little present. I allowed myself a bit of this like eating cake when you know you shouldn’t. It is all going to be okay. Lots of love ❤️

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  5. Dearest Eliza, first and foremost, I’m sending you my love and my prayers. Anxiety, panic and all of those associated feelings are no fun whatsoever. We feel trapped in a cage of helplessness and despair when it’s going on. You don’t want to feel it but you do and it makes us angry…. I get it. I am so sorry you’re enduring that! How are you feeling now?

    I’m proud of you for the courage & strength you show to simply stand… overwhelming feelings and all. It’s okay to fall apart. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to be human! It’s when we try to stuff and deny that real problems begin. Have you tried the reframing method? Have a look at this article found at Psychology Today: “Breakdowns are transformed into challenges and new possibilities to experience life more fully and to become a more whole human being.” https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201712/reframing

    I don’t know if it will help you but I hope it will!

    Sending you all my best love and big hugs. I hope your mind is calming, your breathing returned to normal and your heart at peace. Praying for you. 🙏🏼🌺

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    1. I really like the article, especially the point at the end, how everything can be used to teach us something. I’ve found that to be true for life. I’m in a much healthier, better place now than I was before I messed up a few months ago. I was upset with myself then, especially because it had been 2 years. I learned then that messing up doesn’t have to be a death sentence. That slipping is normal. That stumbling blocks can be used as steps. That I’m not in the same place I was. I was trying to describe to a therapist my fear of being back where I was and he didn’t understand it. Which was enlightening to me. He didn’t really believe that what I was describing was me. And it showed me how I was so scared of being back there whereas others weren’t even able to understand what the there was because it wasn’t so.

      I wasn’t angry then. I cut off from it. Today was good and now I’m freaking but not as much as last night. I think if I identify it earlier I can hold it, if that makes sense. I don’t like freaking. But it’s also a good thing, for I recognise it, and however much I dislike it I’m geateful that I can feel and be aware of anything at all. It doesn’t make me angry. I just wish I knew how to handle it and myself better. I chose with this therapist mentioned that therapy wouldn’t be right for me. Yet now I wish there was someone here. I know it was the right choice, coz listening to guidance that makes sense is right. But, yeah. It’s okay to feel. Thanks for the reminder. It’s okay to be human. And now I’m rambling. There is a lot going on, and that’s okay. And not being able to handle it all just is. I’m grateful that I know I’m okay and I’m grateful that I haven’t yet messed up. Going to go for a drive which always helps. And if I’m stopped to ask where I’m going, will see what to reply.

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  6. I hope you are feeling much better now. It is okay to freak out, we need that at times too, I have come to realize.

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    1. I was, though freaking now but not to the same extent and I can hold this. Stay with it for a bit and let myself shake. Which I’m grateful to be able to do…
      Love, light, and glitter

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  7. Pingback: Letter to myself: 3rd April 2020 – Journey to life

  9. I have C-PTSD so I get this totally. Writing is cathartic I have found. We all need safe space to safely express. I’ve been blogging for many years and have found safe space within the blogging community. We build support systems. Now that our paths crossed, we each have another person to add to our support system. 💖💖💖

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    1. 💕💕💕
      Gam ze yaavor – this too shall pass.
      When in it, it seems eternal, but afterwards, just grateful that didn’t wreck anything with what is temporary…
      💕🕯✨

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