I’m sitting here, okay, lying in bed, shaking. What’s weird is that I feel absolutely nothing and gave a half smile on my face. It’s not weird. For I’m not sure if I ever feel anything when I shake.
I’m grateful. I think I know what my body is either processing or letting go of, and I’m grateful for it. I feel absolutely nothing. Just the physical sense of bodily shaking. There’s a lot I actually wanted to write about that. How I hope that this year I unify body and mind, how this year I want to actually experience in my body what is.
Shaking is s good thing. It means I’m actually processing in some way – well, I hope! – what happened this week. That I’m dealing with it in some way. Even if that way is really weird and disconnected in some ways. In some ways it’s really real, too. I will be sad. I will grieve. For now I’m not. For now my body is giving me what it needs even if I don’t connect to it.
I wonder if anyone will understand this – which is why I’m leaving it public although I passworded all my other posts. Because I want others to understand this. I want to know that others relate or know what I mean.
I don’t feel like I put what I mean clearly into words. It’s also that I don’t really know how to explain what shaking is and does and I don’t know if it’s possible to understand if you haven’t experienced it. That I work with shaking is neither good nor bad. Just a fact. That I am processing something, I know. I haven’t been shaking in what feels like years. I think it’s her death. And if it is, even I’d and though I’m not at all connected to my body, as I said, I’m grateful. By trying to explain I’m probably making this make even less sense.
Love, light, and glitter
You are worth it!
(I just realised that if I think about her as I shake I’m connecting to her.)