Day 12: What and how did you overcome recently?
The question reminds me of this song.
Overcoming. I find the word weird. I’d love to hear your answers!
The biggest thing I’ve overcome recently is living with an eating disorder. If the question wasn’t recently I’d answer with something different. For the past couple of months I’ve been eating foods that I haven’t in years. When I stopped eating a few years ago I didn’t eat anything for a few months and then slowly started eating more and more, and then I’d cycle between obsessively eating only really healthy foods, eating way too much or what felt like way too much, doing something about it, and not eating, then having to get myself to eat again when I couldn’t handle it – not eating makes me dizzy and spiral.
How do I know this isn’t part of the cycle when any part of the cycle could last from a few days to a few months? I know it isn’t because I’m eating foods I haven’t eaten in years. Foods that make no sense to have been on my banned list, but the list was arbitrary. I don’t know why all the foods were on there. And I eat so few foods as it is, nothing to do with eating disorders, that having even one food on there limits my options, like, a lot.
It just feels different now. There’s no obsessiveness, which, regardless what part of the cycle I was at, there always was. I’ve gained some weight, and although I want to lose it so that my clothes can fit, I’m okay with it. For this moment I don’t hate my body and am just okay. I want to be healthy to take care of myself, not as an ED.
I know I can slip up. Same way that a few months ago I messed up. After 2 years of not self harming in a way that’s obviously self harm, and 2 years of no using cocodamol, I did. I burned and used for a month. That doesn’t mean I didn’t stop. It doesn’t mean I won’t slip up here too. Especially when it comes to a few months time which is when I originally stopped eating, or the new year which has always been triggering. It means that for now I’m really grateful to be here, where I am. It means that for now I’m grateful I’m living beyond eating disordered behaviour or thinking, and whilst ever it is, I’m grateful for it.
Gratitude challenge day 12: Recognise today as a gift.
In my last coronavirus quotes post I share a video of a woman dressing up to throw out the garbage.
The UK is in lockdown from today. I’m actually really grateful for that. That it is. It eases some of the anxiety I’ve been living with. The fear of catching it and passing it on to my vulnerable sister or parents who aren’t yet elderly.
I loved the video. I haven’t been going out since Thursday but I’ve been getting dressed every day. I’m not putting on makeup because my eyes are sore, but hopefully when they’re healed, I can spend time doing that. Being on lockdown doesn’t mean spending all day every day in pjs. Or, it can. Or it can mean dressing up for oneself. Dressing up to face a new day. Either just getting dressed, or completely dressing up.
Today is a gift. I’m so grateful to be here today.
Here, where I am. Here, in this world. Someone has been talking to me in the last few days. She often has but usually she’d want me to be there after the fact. Listening to her now shows me where I was. The freaking out and inability to handle a single moment of being. I’m not where I want to be. Although I’m learning that wherever I am is where I want to be.
The journey is the destination.
That the journey is the destination. That the struggle is where life is. That the changes are by the way.
Life. Life is a gift. A gift I’m not necessarily always grateful for. A gift nonetheless. A gift I sometimes really appreciate. Hey, maybe it really did help to write every night as I used to ‘god, thank you for another day of life’ even when I didn’t want it. At all. Life is a gift.
There is so much I want to learn. One day I’d love to know what I feel when I feel it. One day I’d love to know what I believe when I decide it’s the right time to work it through. One day I’d love all my perceptions and choices to be based on the present, not the past. One day I’d love to know who I am and what I want from my life. One day. One day I’d love to live in the present, as this year is about not overthinking, just being. Every day, every single day, on the way to the ‘there’, is a gift. The journey is a gift I’m grateful for. And the ‘there’ constantly changes. There is always further to go. There is always more to learn, more to give, more to be. The ‘there’ is the now.
Life is a gift. And today, today is a gift.
Today’s gratitude challenge is to recognise today as a gift.
Today is a gift. It may be harder to recognise with the lockdown. Or maybe the lockdown will give time to really be, and appreciate the gift of today. The gift of every day.
I’m looking forward for the time. The time to spend with my family. The time to be. The time to listen to classes I always want to but have never had time to focus on. I’m grateful for time.
Wasn’t my plan to ramble anything for this, so going to leave it here. That for today I’m going to try and recognise today as a gift.
Love, light, and glitter