I’m thinking, in theory, maybe, perhaps – the theoretically, potentially, possibly, perhaps, kinda maybe – to ask my friend to throw away the cocodamol I have in my draw when I’m away. It’s just a thought. It would probably be good for me not to have 1k++ in my draw. If only I’d have that in money!!! It’s something I’m thinking about. I saw randomly, I can’t recall where, that I’d given myself a deadline I wanted to do it by. I’ve passed that deadline. I told L I would (I’m thinking about it!!) and haven’t yet.

It always gave me security. Knowing I can fall back on it. Do I want to know I can fall back on it? I needed to know I could in the past. Do I need to know? Do I want that to be my security blanket???

So, I’m thinking. Actually not consciously thinking about it. I know that if I want to I’ll have to just do it. Just jump, and trust that I’ll fly.

What if I fall? Oh, darling, what if you fly? On blue would background. Sometimes you have to just take a leap of faith.
Sometimes, sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith. Without thinking about it so much. For otherwise the fear will override all.

I’m thinking… 🙂

Love, light, and glitter

41 thoughts on “I’m thinking…. should I discard my stash?”

  2. Eliza – I think it would be very brave of you to do so. It would be letting go of something that doesn’t have the best ties with your past. It would be admitting that you’re strong, which I already know you are. I’ll be praying for you ❤
    power to the local dreamer ||-//

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      1. No problem Eliza! I’ve been a bit busy over the past couple of weeks and blogging had been pushed aside for a while but just last night i posted again for the first time!
        I’m really enjoying the sunshine and blue sky outside today ❤ How are you Eliza?

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  4. You can stay chained to your narcotics as long as you like Eliza. There are a few different ways to look at it, though. For me, if I’m thinking about it, if it’s taking space in my melon (and that space is precious, believe me), it’s gotta go. I’d relapse over something like that.

    That’s just me, though.

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    1. Thanks! That’s another way of looking at it. At the moment it’s not taking any headspace up. It was seeing that I said I wanted to get rid of it and it’s a thought, maybe, but not thinking about it, for yes, analysing it will just get me to use. I know I may ask her, I know I might not, and I’ll see what happens.
      Love, light, and glitter

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  5. Don’t know if it helps, but once the question has entered your mind I find it useful to ask myself 4 questions:
    1. What’s the worst that could happen if I chuck it out?
    2. What’s the worst thing that could happen if I don’t?
    3. What’s the best outcome if I chuck it out?
    4. What’s the best outcome if I don’t?
    Sometimes the answer is as plain as the nose on your face and the methodology of examining it helps me take the plunge (depending on what my answers reveal).
    Whatever you decide isn’t always irreversible anyway.
    Take care Eliza 😊

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    1. That really helps. Thank you!
      I find it funny/entertaining whatever the word is when people comment/text/email just when I’m checking.
      1. The worst that happens if I get rid of it is: Freak out, buy more (waste more money) and use it.
      2. Worst it I keep it: Use it one day when decide need to.
      3. Best case scenario if I throw it out: Never think about it again.
      4. Best case scenario if I keep it; It’s there as security, knowing I can always use it if I need it, until I don’t need that security and get rid of it then.
      Love, light, and glitter

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      1. Interesting reasonably even split between wanting to keep the option of using versus not using. The thing that really jumps out to me is your number three, “Never think about it again” (just like bgddyjim said in his comment).
        I’m glad you found it helped 😊

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  6. You’re right in all that you stated.
    Most of us at sometime in our life have had something that we made our “security blanket”. I cannot speak to drugs as we label them because they have never had such a draw upon me. I have done them. Marijuana and LSD were two of my primary. Not something that I couldn’t turn away from though. Nothing tugging me back. I did smoke for a brief time and in that time I felt the pull of addiction. The feel of the body telling me that I needed it. So I quit it. I did the same with caffeine. I abhor the feeling of needing something to make it through the day to make me feel “normal”. One- I have never truly felt normal but that’s another story. With smoking – even though it’s been nearly 20 years I occasionally feel it trying to pull me back. I will not go back but I still feel the tug. For years I have tried to help others quit smoking or various other things by trying to show them or remind them of possible outcomes. (-And that could be said of many things not just drugs because they for the most part have the same effect on the brain. Sugar, people and so many other things can have this effect.-) So, over time I realized that people need to WANT to let go. We can always walk away and have someone to get rid of our stash but it will be in our minds that tugging. We have to be ready to let go. We can have help through others being our support group but ultimately it resides within us to hold on or to let go. It’s not easy. I know you know all too well. Yet one of the many lessons that I am learning through this tragic and wonderful life is that which comes easy we don’t al gain the most from. It’s through hardships and trials that we truly gain. We hold onto the lessons longer usually. No matter what you choose I have your back. I want the best outcome for you truly and believe you will make it. When you are ready but not before then. You will be ready. If not today in time you will.

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      1. I have missed you as well. Even though I haven’t been able to read many of your posts I see the heading and smile seeing you’re still posting.

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          1. Thank you. That truly means a lot.
            I’m glad you’re continuing to strive and thrive to give and live even through the fallbacks. Ever forward my dear.

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              1. You are correct my dear. Growth is change and change is essential to life. I always like to bring up stagnant pools of water as a comparison. We as people can stagnate too if we do not grow and are not open to change. For many change is a bad four letter word yet love is a four letter word too and it’s one of the best words and feelings imaginable.

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  9. Of course, Eliza, do it – keep that promise to yourself!

    Easy, so easy, for me to write it, but much more formidable a task for you to accomplish it.

    There’s so much of you, though, that waits to take its place. Things eager to show you what they can offer. While cocodamol still takes up space, though, all the other worthy things are asterisked, mitigated, stunted. Set them free!

    Not going to lie to you, the initial path, post-substance, is choppy. When I kicked the caffeine habit (nowhere near the same thing, but it’s the best way I can relate), for months half my meals brought the thought, “You know what would be really good with this? A Pepsi.”

    And now? I wonder at all the years I wasted, caffeinated, while so many other discoveries were yet to be. Once you make your move, you’ll finish chapter one, and will discover the rest of the novel beckons.

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  11. it’s like throwing away all your sharps. it’s something you have to do while you’re considering it, so that when you get into a bad place, the temptation isn’t even there.

    stay strong and stay safe x

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  12. you’ve already wasted a lot of money on it … could you take most of it to a medical person who could distribute it to people who can’t afford it?
    Keep a dozen or so for back up … but really 1K+ is excessive … follow your heart!

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