I planned on writing a F:AK post today but forgot about it because I haven’t been feeling great. There went desert for this shabbat 🙂 but I have the ingredients to make it next week.

Are there ever times you don’t really remember what happened? I don’t mean dissociation or amnesia due to disassociation. I mean like, I went on a private online journal I had to write and saw I’d written this morning and was like ‘what, I didn’t write this morning’, then remembered that I had, and then recalled writing on my phone. Well, I didn’t and don’t really recollect writing on my phone, I remember some of it. And know that it was on my phone since I don’t have my laptop. It’s also like, I know I burned myself last Friday night, but I know that because I saw that I’d written it. And now that I saw that I’d written it I actually remember what I did (actually nothing much at all), which is memory for I didn’t write it all down. But I wouldn’t have known about it if I hadn’t seen it written there and actually had forgotten about it.

It’s why, a couple of years ago I made a rule for myself that I couldn’t/shouldn’t write anything or text anyone or do anything in the middle of the night. For I’d done enough stupid things when I’d woken up at night that in the light of day were regrettable. Some regrettable, and some completely unnecessary if I was anyways going to fall asleep soon enough and not really recall what was the next day. Like, if alcohol was something I used, it’d be a waste of time to drink it if I would fall asleep and it’d have made no difference to my life, whereas if in the day I wanted to, it’d be a conscious choice.

I guess it’s that I’m not fully present at certain times – in the night/morning/awake or whatever. I don’t really think it happens other times. It’s just, I don’t really know what to make of it, and by writing this I’m actually acknowledging it, though probably also making it into a much bigger deal than it really is. For it’s not like it’s a part of my regular life. It’s not like I live this way, which, I used to live in a world where I wasn’t present and wondered if I were really real. It’s not like that now. I don’t know. I’m trying to backtrack on what I’m saying and explain what I mean but I’m not sure if this is making much sense to anyone but myself. It’s also that, it’s not really a part of my usual life, it’s only when I’m a mess – which for the most part however much I’m not especially where I want to be, I don’t consider that mess to be my everyday life.

This week I really haven’t used anything or self harmed at all. I don’t know what tonight/tomorrow brings, and I guess we’ll find out.

Happy weekend! Shabbat shalom 🙂 Spread the sunshine, glitter and sparkle…..

Love, light and glitter

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14 thoughts on “Are there ever times you don’t really remember what happened?”

    1. lol that’s me completely. I didn’t mean in that way. But it’s good to know that I’m not the only forgetful one 😉 My workmates laugh how I never can find my phone. Thankfully the area isn’t so big so I find it soon enough, but yeah. The forgetting I meant is different, but, it’s not always, and, just is.

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    1. Thanks for sharing… and for passing by and taking the time to read and reply…
      I’m glad you’re changing it now…. and, thanks!
      Love, light and glitter

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  6. So glad, Eliza, I’m not the only one muddling through this! How embarrassing is it to comment on a post, only to scroll up and notice I posted almost the exact same response five days ago? The back of my mind was shouting we had been here before, and now I know why.

    More frequently (constantly, in fact) I hang my building badge from the front doorknob, else most mornings I’d head off to the office without it!

    Where does consciousness of such things go? It still exists, clearly, but %#&*^! if I can’t find it!

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    1. I keep my badge in my pocket for that reason…. and hang my coat on the same hook mostly. Its only my phone that I constantly lose

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