I haven’t messed up this week at all. No burning. No cocodamol to help me burn. Which, I was every day/evening until now. I don’t want to jinx it. I’m not committing to anything, but, I like it this way. It means sleeping less – not been sleeping well, and at some point I have to deal with everything else and why – what lies behind it all. I’m grateful for this. Especially coz there is so much going on and I’m grateful that I can be present.

Arranged for dermatology appointment on Monday. Kinda nervous for it coz of all the scars. Because they aren’t scars yet since they’re not healed. I wish it were my legs then it wouldn’t be seen… passed experience at these services before means it will be seen and I really don’t want it. Not sure what I can do…

Ps. The title has no connection, just wasn’t sure what to title this.

Love, light and glitter

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27 thoughts on “Hello hello hello sir”

  1. Good to read your update Eliza. I must admit your title got my interest and made me smile that it wasn’t linked to anything – what are you like?!!! 😅

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    1. It’s a playground song that I like. Look it up… at least it’ll give me a few more titles 🙂 (I hate titling things…)
      💕🕯🌠

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  3. Playground song? Oh, I see. I thought if may have been something the Beatles wrote “all those years ago.”

    Great to hear of your triumphs this week, Eliza. Let’s count them…one, two…three!

    Bits and pieces, here and there. A little at a lime, sometimes more. Point is, you’ve facing the right direction. Good thing too, as we’re headed back toward the sun again.

    You’ll get there. We’ll get there.

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    1. Google it!
      Hello, hello, hello sun (you have to sing it in the tune it is meant to be….. though anytime I’ve looked I’ve yet to find it in the chant I know). To me, this is a really cool reply, but to understand that, you have to know that my introduction to people is often ‘hello, hello, hello sir’. It’s how I often say hello.

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      1. Ah, now we’re starting to get real! I want you to think about something? What’s more scary, living the way you currently are, or being free of what’s keeping you there?

        Now we just have to figure out how to confront what’s keeping you there. That’s simple, but not easy. Don’t be afraid of the process of becoming free. You can’t know how good you’ll feel until you get there, but you can get there if you work for it.

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        1. One day I’ll have to really deal with it. The annoying thing is that I thought I had dealt with it and was working through it. I thought I knew whatever had got me there, and I knew how I wanted it to be different. I guess I didn’t know, and don’t know. I have to be in a more okay place than this to do it, though, and also have to have more time and headspace (the next few weeks are a really busy time here, and then it’s going to be busy winding down from all of it – it’s good things, just busy).
          It’s more scary living that way, because it isn’t really living.

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          1. Don’t be too hard on yourself, either. If we drunks know one thing, it’s that self-knowledge and a Dollar will get us a cup of coffee. It’s not useless, but it’s close. Working through it is one thing, but once we’re done working through it, we have to work on getting BEYOND it. Know what I mean? There’s more work after the self-knowledge part is all.

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            1. Yeah I know. That’s why I was surprised, because although I haven’t worked beyond all of it, there’s a large part I have, and what’s triggered/behind this is definitely stuff that I’m not aware of. Or if it’s all the same, I don’t know that. I don’t think it’s the same. For the guilt that used to run my life doesn’t. I’m working towards to the really and truly knowing differently, but it’s different enough that it can’t be that. There’s a whole lot of beliefs that used to rule my life that don’t. It’s a bit like, you climb a mountain and think you’re done and don’t know that there’s a valley on the other side and another mountain to climb. I guess that’s life though. A journey that we don’t know where it’ll take us. And some of what I’ve learned I’m so grateful I’m living with. Even when I was messing up, the awareness I sometimes had that a source of the world was/is with me, and I’m still a part of it, an awareness I never used to live with or even know existed. Why’m I rambling so much to you??? Thanks for listening…
              Love, light and glitter

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  5. Glad it’s been a steadier week for you. I’m wobbling like mad and trying not to take diazepam or dihydrocodeine to numb myself. Hope we can inspire each other to make it through these moments.

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    1. Thanks! I actually just looked at my post to see what the well wishes for Monday was about, and had to edit my replies….. when seeing I wrote about this appointment and I thought it was about the class that I want to go to but didn’t think I’d written more about… It’ll be okay, right? Right. I’m just hoping that it’s a nice person and that they don’t judge or perceive based on this, so that can deal with what I want to.

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