Today is a new day. Exhausted. I’m finding work really long…. I’m enjoying some of what I do, not all. I think if I ever feel like I’m getting somewhere with one of my groups then I’ll be happy. I just find them draining because it drags and I feel like I’m getting absolutely nowhere. The next are fine – rambunctious, exhausting, they’re learning! The next and last have finally caught up to standard – they’re up to where they supposedly were at the beginning of the year, the last months have just been review. Now they can begin learning something new. Interesting for me to see what they’re better at and where their strengths and weaknesses lie, because finally getting somewhere. And my morning I like though it may be changing again. At the moment I teach science and language. Science is a lot of learning myself because I can’t teach it until I fully understand it myself. Which when I grasp it I actually enjoy. So I now know about forces, measuring speed and moments. I know about metals. I know what I never did know. Or if I did I long forgot. I actually didn’t do well in physics in school. I love learning. I love knowledge. My timetable may change yet again though and we will see what is.

Not been sleeping as well. Do you think it is that I havent been messing up? I haven’t self harmed – I was going to erase that and change to burned but truth is that it is self harm regardless if I want to accept it as such – in 3 entire says. Maybe only 2.5. Or used. And it’s major. It’s, it’s that I need to burn, and it’s not what I want for my life. And the not wanting it for my life overrides the need. Which until now it was the opposite. The need was more than the ‘I don’t want this for my life’s. So for now I haven’t and we will find out what is. And I’m kinda proud/appreciate it. Just don’t want to make it into a bigger deal than it is.

My arm is a lot better. Keeping it protected and trying not to pick all the scabs. I’m wondering if picking will cause worse scarring and if I’m lucky most won’t scar.

I really don’t want or like the scars. I thought I could buy a krav maga t shirt I want and add on some coloured sleeves. People at the class bought themselves krav maga tshirts and I think it’s pretty cool and would love one. I won’t wear it short sleeved especially not now when the scars are all new, it’s not a statement of where I’ve been which I’m more okay making publicly, more where I’m at. Asides that it would probably be repellent to people. A good way of dealing with the anxiety of being at the class – keep people away from me. Anyways, so I was thinking about how to get a tshirt and can add sleeves, either like a blue to the black – they are black – or 2 different colours, each sleeve a different colour. I could make the sleeves until the elbow, though that would look weird, as there is a bit of sleeves, so maybe 3/4 length. I should just but one for myself! Can get bigger and tie in a knot at the bottom – what a lot of people there were doing, or smaller and more fitted. Okay, I’ve now decided to buy it.

I spoke on the phone to a friend for an hour. Was interesting coz I was literally about to write her a card, had the card in front of me, just had to get a pen, and she called.

I wonder what I’ll do next week krav maga without my friend. I want to go. I really want to go. I’m not sure how to hear myself up to it. I wish there were someone going I can ask for a lift there so that I’d have it arranged and just go. I never really knew that I lived with anxiety, although I always knew, well for the last few years, that I’ve social anxiety I never knew it affected my life. I guess coz for the most part it doesn’t since for the most part I never ever out of what is safe for me. And occasionally I really push myself, and occasionally however much I want something I just can’t do it. It’s funny for there are some things that others don’t like doing that I just have no issue with. It’s why I wouldn’t necessarily diagnose myself with social anxiety for it doesn’t always have an effect on my life.

I actually arranged to go to have a lesson with someone tomorrow. If I keep to it. It’s meant to be something fun for us both, and if we can keep it up maybe I’ll get a new friend – the friends for fun kinda friend, which will be good, not to be too intense.

I need a dermatology appointment and I called then up and they said I missed an appointment and have been discharged. I didn’t get any letter and was calling to follow up. They gave me a number to call tomorrow and I’m hoping and praying that I get one and don’t have to go through a referral again for that would take months on end. This appointment that I hadn’t known about was 6 months after the referral.. and it really has to be sorted out… the one good thing is that I didn’t know about it for I don’t know if I could have gone, dunno if there would have been a way for them not to see my arms.

And I should get into pjs instead of lying in bed not in pjs. I hope to get some sleep tonight. The last few nights have been really restless. although, I turned off my phone before going to sleep and didn’t turn it on even when up for seemingly hours!

Every day is a new day. I’m kinda beginning to look forward to what could and will be. Some point in time I have to make a plan, but that’s when I have enough headspace. And time! Its busy here with good things that are just taking time. It’ll be busier as time moves on and then slower and then busier as different seasons come and go. Ebb and flow.

I wonder how disjointed this all is. Or if it all flows. Sometimes it’d be good if I reread what I wrote.

I’m grateful I have this space. To journal. To be. I don’t give it to myself at the moment so I’m really grateful I can and am here.

I’m feeling a bit bad that I haven’t been following others blogs at the moment. And, just saying that I do care. That I think about you. That I wish I were fully following. And that when I can I will be. When I can just be. Which, it seems more and more doable, and if it continues this way, it will be doable, coz I’ll actually be there.

Some day I’m going to have to deal with what triggered or lies behind the past couple of months I don’t know what does and I’m not sure if I want to know. One day I do want to for unless I deal with it, it’ll stay there and rule my life. But that isn’t today. So I don’t need to worry about it now. And, yeah. Thanks for listening :).

Love, light and glitter

💕🕯🌠

30 thoughts on “Ramble 36895.”

  1. Enjoyed this post. ♥ 🙂 Are you taking martial arts classes?? (That’s what krav maga is, right?) I’ve always been curious, but intimidated by the idea… like I won’t be able to do it. Enjoy your visit with your new friend. 😀 Three days is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WaaaaHoooo!!

    I haven’t been sleeping well lately, either. I’m on day two of next to no sleep. Eventually my body will collapse. lol Back to watching whatever Twilight movie is on TV. lol It’s brainless stuff I’ve seen and don’t have to really pay attention to after a time or two.

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    1. Yeah 🙂 I wrote a whole couple posts about it. One of them I should still post. I missed the last introductory one coz my friend couldn’t come. And I couldn’t go alone. I’m hoping to make it next week anyways:) go to it!!!! I hope you get some sleep soon..

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  4. sleep well eliza! sounds like there’s lots of pieces of life floating about right now for you … i hope you enjoy all of them. you sound so strong and that makes me feel so happy ❤
    "And i will say that we should take a moment, and hold it, and keep it close and know life has a hopeful undertone." ~holding onto you
    power to the local dreamer ||-//

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  5. It’s ok, it’s a good thing you’re focusing on YOU! 🙂 Also, wow krav maga! I did a similar israeli martial art for self defense for a while. 🙂 I hope the dermatology appointment gets sorted and that you don’t have to wait months for a new one. ❤

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      1. I did kapap, which combines stuff like krav maga! Couldn’t overcome my block towards hurting others, or the homophobic instructor, but I want to do a realistic system for self defense one day! ❤

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        1. 🙂 I love reading this for you sound like me now. I close my eyes when she references hurting others. If I envision it as people I can’t do it, though when it’s just a movement, I like some of the movements…. it also helps to have a good instructor. The instructor of this course is gorgeous! She’s just a really nice person. And is definitely part of why I want to do the course…
          One day you can still do it…. I hope you find a good class with a great instructor…

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          1. Ohhh, good looking instructors are a huge plus! Back when I trained, the assistant instructor talked about how she healed her eating disorder. I found her really attractive but I didn’t even yet know to myself that I’m bisexual lol!

            I like some of the movements too, but I just couldn’t hurt people. It helped me be more grounded into my body, which was really helpful since I was chronically dissociated and didn’t know I had trauma.

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            1. Grounded is cool! Last week I was with a different partner so was just freaking out a lot.
              She’s not especially good looking, but I just like her (not in a romantic way). You don’t need to ever hurt people… I just blank out those parts and just focus on the movements…. are there any other exercise classes you’d like to do/learn?

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              1. I want to learn how to throw a punch because tbh I have anger issues haha! I don’t hurt anyone but it’s a trigger for my self harm, and tbh I feel I’ve no energy-discharging outlets. I’m interested in yoga but too socially anxious for classes! ❤

                Liking people is cool! I’m starting to feel like a lot of people are quite alright, and maybe I’m safer in the world than I feel ❤

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                1. Re safety, it’s not so much about being safer but feeling safer. And I feel like it kinda starts with feeling safe within oneself.
                  Yoga online classes?
                  If it’s a trigger it’s not worth it. I find it interesting how everyone is affected by different things. I love the idea of running. Would that interest you? I’d love it if one day you’d get to a class….. if it one be a non issue more like it.
                  ❤🕯✨

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    1. Find me things I like to photograph 🙂 I actually uploaded some photos with you in mind that I have to just put together into posts… though you saw one of those already.

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      1. I am behind here again – I got behind yesterday with the computer issue at work and stayed a little later. I am so behind that I wonder when I’ll do a post except on the weekend … well we have that big storm, so in between shoveling, I’ll do a post. Well I follow a blogger from the UK and he photographs birds at the bird sanctuary (Titchfield Haven) and he writes that it has been doing nothing but raining and says that everything is gray and gloomy. In fact, earlier this week, Andy did a blog post using all gray photos – it was very interesting looking – it was a different venue than the bird sanctuary – you should try this gray and gloomy look one time:
        https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/85265395/posts/2550212448

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        1. I hope you had a break. I’m always behind….
          Those pictures are awesome!!! Thanks for sharing them….
          I can’t imagine doing grey, but hey, you never know!
          Love, light and glitter

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          1. Yes, me too and going to try to get a new post done if not tonight, tomorrow … late already. And I am behind here again, though I stayed late last night but was outside shoveling the 5 inches of heavy snow – I feel like a Mack truck ran over me – I was out there for three hours. I knew you’d like Andy’s pictures – he takes a lot of birds – always beautiful ones, but those gray shots – wow. I like the one that looked like hair blowing in the wind. Try that … it would be fun. Love, light and glitter back at you Eliza!

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  9. All of what is going on around you is the making of an amazing person you are striving and pushing to become. Disappointments are inevitable but we truly don’t realise how much they strengthen us until we it comes to a point where we have no choice but to persevere and use all of which we possess. Reflect. Love. Heal xXx

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