Today is a new day. Exhausted. I’m finding work really long…. I’m enjoying some of what I do, not all. I think if I ever feel like I’m getting somewhere with one of my groups then I’ll be happy. I just find them draining because it drags and I feel like I’m getting absolutely nowhere. The next are fine – rambunctious, exhausting, they’re learning! The next and last have finally caught up to standard – they’re up to where they supposedly were at the beginning of the year, the last months have just been review. Now they can begin learning something new. Interesting for me to see what they’re better at and where their strengths and weaknesses lie, because finally getting somewhere. And my morning I like though it may be changing again. At the moment I teach science and language. Science is a lot of learning myself because I can’t teach it until I fully understand it myself. Which when I grasp it I actually enjoy. So I now know about forces, measuring speed and moments. I know about metals. I know what I never did know. Or if I did I long forgot. I actually didn’t do well in physics in school. I love learning. I love knowledge. My timetable may change yet again though and we will see what is.
Not been sleeping as well. Do you think it is that I havent been messing up? I haven’t self harmed – I was going to erase that and change to burned but truth is that it is self harm regardless if I want to accept it as such – in 3 entire says. Maybe only 2.5. Or used. And it’s major. It’s, it’s that I need to burn, and it’s not what I want for my life. And the not wanting it for my life overrides the need. Which until now it was the opposite. The need was more than the ‘I don’t want this for my life’s. So for now I haven’t and we will find out what is. And I’m kinda proud/appreciate it. Just don’t want to make it into a bigger deal than it is.
My arm is a lot better. Keeping it protected and trying not to pick all the scabs. I’m wondering if picking will cause worse scarring and if I’m lucky most won’t scar.
I really don’t want or like the scars. I thought I could buy a krav maga t shirt I want and add on some coloured sleeves. People at the class bought themselves krav maga tshirts and I think it’s pretty cool and would love one. I won’t wear it short sleeved especially not now when the scars are all new, it’s not a statement of where I’ve been which I’m more okay making publicly, more where I’m at. Asides that it would probably be repellent to people. A good way of dealing with the anxiety of being at the class – keep people away from me. Anyways, so I was thinking about how to get a tshirt and can add sleeves, either like a blue to the black – they are black – or 2 different colours, each sleeve a different colour. I could make the sleeves until the elbow, though that would look weird, as there is a bit of sleeves, so maybe 3/4 length. I should just but one for myself! Can get bigger and tie in a knot at the bottom – what a lot of people there were doing, or smaller and more fitted. Okay, I’ve now decided to buy it.
I spoke on the phone to a friend for an hour. Was interesting coz I was literally about to write her a card, had the card in front of me, just had to get a pen, and she called.
I wonder what I’ll do next week krav maga without my friend. I want to go. I really want to go. I’m not sure how to hear myself up to it. I wish there were someone going I can ask for a lift there so that I’d have it arranged and just go. I never really knew that I lived with anxiety, although I always knew, well for the last few years, that I’ve social anxiety I never knew it affected my life. I guess coz for the most part it doesn’t since for the most part I never ever out of what is safe for me. And occasionally I really push myself, and occasionally however much I want something I just can’t do it. It’s funny for there are some things that others don’t like doing that I just have no issue with. It’s why I wouldn’t necessarily diagnose myself with social anxiety for it doesn’t always have an effect on my life.
I actually arranged to go to have a lesson with someone tomorrow. If I keep to it. It’s meant to be something fun for us both, and if we can keep it up maybe I’ll get a new friend – the friends for fun kinda friend, which will be good, not to be too intense.
I need a dermatology appointment and I called then up and they said I missed an appointment and have been discharged. I didn’t get any letter and was calling to follow up. They gave me a number to call tomorrow and I’m hoping and praying that I get one and don’t have to go through a referral again for that would take months on end. This appointment that I hadn’t known about was 6 months after the referral.. and it really has to be sorted out… the one good thing is that I didn’t know about it for I don’t know if I could have gone, dunno if there would have been a way for them not to see my arms.
And I should get into pjs instead of lying in bed not in pjs. I hope to get some sleep tonight. The last few nights have been really restless. although, I turned off my phone before going to sleep and didn’t turn it on even when up for seemingly hours!
Every day is a new day. I’m kinda beginning to look forward to what could and will be. Some point in time I have to make a plan, but that’s when I have enough headspace. And time! Its busy here with good things that are just taking time. It’ll be busier as time moves on and then slower and then busier as different seasons come and go. Ebb and flow.
I wonder how disjointed this all is. Or if it all flows. Sometimes it’d be good if I reread what I wrote.
I’m grateful I have this space. To journal. To be. I don’t give it to myself at the moment so I’m really grateful I can and am here.
I’m feeling a bit bad that I haven’t been following others blogs at the moment. And, just saying that I do care. That I think about you. That I wish I were fully following. And that when I can I will be. When I can just be. Which, it seems more and more doable, and if it continues this way, it will be doable, coz I’ll actually be there.
Some day I’m going to have to deal with what triggered or lies behind the past couple of months I don’t know what does and I’m not sure if I want to know. One day I do want to for unless I deal with it, it’ll stay there and rule my life. But that isn’t today. So I don’t need to worry about it now. And, yeah. Thanks for listening :).
Love, light and glitter