My arm is really hurting. I think the blister peeled, it wasn’t intentional, I’m not sure how it happened, and it’s just hurting. There isn’t anything I can do about it, or that I even want to do. It’s just a constant awareness of my arm.

I’ve been burning a little less. Sleeping more. I’m so grateful for sleep. Who knew how grateful one had to be for sleep? I’m so grateful for I’ve been falling asleep at night, for the past week. I’ve actually been able to go to sleep. And the not being able to go to sleep is what has kept me up more than anything else. So I’m grateful, that I have been able to sleep.

I took pictures of the hot chocolate fudge cake I made today so that I can post the recipe for TA, who I’ve told I’ll do it for.

I need to order shoes that I put in a basket, I know I want the shoes, I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. Maybe coz’ they’re expensive. I should just order them already.

My hand – it’s my arm really – is hurting.

I’ve been needing to burn a little less. It’s not as constant and, it’s not the only thing in my world. A month ago, that’s all there was. Today, that isn’t all there is. There’s work – I’m present at work. I’m enjoying, mostly, what I’m teaching. I enjoy my morning job, I don’t enjoy the afternoon as much. I’m loving learning – I have to learn the material and really know it to be able to teach it.

I wonder if my arm will stop throbbing me?

2020. Why’m I suddenly moving on to here? I have a lot of plans for the year. I’ve been trying to get through to my GP and it’s a little impossible to do so. I’m not sure why I’m even trying to for it’s not like I’ll get through. Yesterday my friend said to me that when she told someone what I’d taken the person said it couldn’t be for I wouldn’t have been talking to her then. I laughed. Because this is a couple of weeks ago before I went away (and I was up all night, and then throwing up nothing for a few hours, but later on), because, I’ve taken a lot more than that before. And whoever had said that to her obviously didn’t know what they were talking about. I took that and more for over a month – daily. Gradually upping the amount. It was never enough. I don’t want to use. I actually occasionally think about it. Taking more than just then. I don’t want to more than I do want to. I want to live in this world and be present more than that.

I was listening to a class by R’ Yitzchak Berkowitz. He was talking about ‘souls’. I was planning on writing an entire blog post on this. There are 3 parts to the soul, or 3 different souls. Whatever you want to call it. There’s the part of you that is made up of the DNA and is alive. Is conscious and aware and living – the part that animals live with. There’s the part of you that is pure spirit – the energy and consciousness that is a part of the energy and consciousness of the spirit of the universe, that is completely if you want to use the word spiritual, or part of the world, or part of the source of the world, however you describe it. And there is the ‘ruach’ the part of you that combines the 2. Where free will lies. Animals follow the rules of behaviourism. People don’t. Because people are made up of both parts and it’s the ‘ruach’, what is called the spirit of the person that joins/combines/connects the two, and makes choices drawing on both parts.

:)

I’m not sure what I wanted to write about that , I had a whole lot to say.

This week has been good. Back to work. I tried calling up the IAPT service and left a message, about doing a mindfulness course. I’ve done one once upon a time and would love to do another. I really should call up someone I’m thinking of and ask him for advice. But I’m not. Not yet.

I miss one of my friends. I haven’t spoken to her in ages. I’ll be seeing her on Sunday and I wonder if we’ll get to speak. I miss her. We used to have a lot to do with each other because of work. Now that we don’t work together we don’t see one another. She doesn’t need anything from me.

I was talking to a friend the other day. About life. About how it’s not all or nothing. There is no end destination. I felt like I was sharing with her all that I’ve had to learn these past few weeks. That there’s no end destination. That it’s about the journey. That she can set an intention for what she’d like to be and the awareness of it will help it to happen. That putting something out there allows it to come to you. She wanted to know if I believed in ‘that kinda stuff’ and I explained to her that I did, and why. For there has to be an infinity/source, and our existence, the existence of this universe has to be a part of that infinity/source, therefore we’re all connected, the entire universe boils down to energy and we’re all part of that energy. So putting out energy, or allowing ourselves to receive energy, does bring it to you. I know that I’ve worked through so much of what I know just through osmosis. Just by living and being. That my understanding of the universe isn’t necessarily based on the texts I’ve read or classes I’ve listened to. That by setting my intention that I’m ready to learn, to know, and grow, it’s happened. I know that last year I said my goal for the year was to be responsible for myself. To own my choices. To take responsibility. I know that I’m doing that. Nowhere near as much as I should – there are things I want to do in order to take care of myself and don’t have the energy or headspace to even though I know I should. In many ways I’m taking care of myself more than I used to. And it’s not all a choice. It’s an attitude shift by deciding I want it to be that way. It’s coming to me by being ready for it. And I’m learning that it’s a journey. That there is no end destination. Everything is so disconnected. I guess that’s why this is a ramble and not a specific point. I can sometimes stay on point.

Krav maga classes are starting again! I’m really looking forward to it. I’ll probably be paying for my friend to come with me. She doesn’t have the money for it. Neither do I if I’m honest but I’m looking at it as the class is double the price. The last of the introductory sessions she couldn’t come. And, I just couldn’t go. I couldn’t go alone however much I wanted to. I just couldn’t face it – and I like the instructor and the people who were doing it. Therefore, if I want to go – and I do. It’s good for me to go out. It’s good for me to learn new things. It’s good for me to exercise. If I want to go, it’s worth it for me to pay for us both. I’ll have to ask her if she’s okay with me mentioning it to the instructor, for the instructor may either subsidise the cost or say she doesn’t have to pay (which will mean I don’t have to). There may be another free exercise class which will be cool for us to go to. One day I want to be able to go alone. If it’s a set group of a few people and it’s prearranged that I’m going I’d be okay going alone, but it’s not like that. I’m not sure what it’s about (yeah, I know it’s social anxiety) but it’s definitely not something I’m working on but I’m working around it, instead. Social anxiety doesn’t usually run my life. There are some things I don’t do because of it. And there are things I push myself to do in spite of it – if I want it enough, or just because I’m scared, or if it’s important enough. And there are the things I miss out on because of it. Though this is the only example recently. The other time was a few months ago when I didn’t go to an evening I half wanted to go to.

Anyways, I’m not sure why I’m rambling anymore, or that it’s even saying anything…

My arm is hurting still and I’m not sure what to do about it – as in I’ve put on savlon and protected it, and not sure there is anything else that I can do.

My internet has just cut down so finishing writing this on my phone. Which means no linking posts and comments may not work.

On to other news, I just paid £100 on some skin care products – wash, toner and serum. Matis. One hundred pounds!!!!! Included in the price is high frequency for a couple of minutes once a week. I’m not sure if it will do anything for my skin, but it can’t harm to try. Honestly, I think you can get cheaper facial products that are as good, but I want the high frequency and the beautician selling it does them both together. It can’t harm me to use the stuff twice a day, and I’m really hoping to get rid of the redness and scarring. I know it probably won’t get rid of the acne, for it’s not treating the cause, but it’s a gamble or investment. I wasn’t going to do it for it’s so much money, then realised that I’m worth the risk. Even if it’s a 5th of my monthly wage. Rambling way too much.

I’m grateful for this space. This space to journal. This space to be. The people who are so nice, and supportive, and real and genuine. I haven’t been following most blogs. I have more headspace. My mindset is okay. Way more okay. I’m in a more okay space. And I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful for the sunshine. For the moments of beauty. Someone commented something on SF that I thought was really good. That in dark tines we discount the beauty as irrelevant or not real when we should be celebrating each moment of light and expanding on it. It reminded me of my reasons to live site and the purpose of it. To make the beauty and positivity the central aspect. It’s not always so easy or possible, but noticing the good, trying to, when you can’t, has and will have a cumulative effect.

And I thought I was rambling before… I guess it’s okay as most people wont be reading this. Thank you to you 🙂 (who is/did)

Love, light and glitter

Happy weekend!!!

Eliza

39 thoughts on “Ramble 54321

  1. Don’t ever apologise for rambling, that’s what this is here for. This is your platform, your place to pour out your soul and to do that without judgement or criticism. People don’t like it, don’t follow. 🙂

    Liked by 8 people

      1. It was okay, thanks. Had better and had worse weekends to be honest. These weird pains I’m getting in my head are freaking me out a bit.

        Liked by 1 person

          1. Thanks Eliza, the pains have passed now thankfully. Just wishing the anxiety would pass now too. That’s never going to go away though, sadly. I don’t think I’ll ever have any peace.

            Sending loads of hugs to you and hope you’re doing okay.

            Liked by 2 people

            1. I don’t know if anxiety just passes, though there are tools that help. I’m hoping the group you join helps. And if you could do a mindfulness course – specifically mbsr (I want to join you in that) and other tools. Doesn’t take it away but makes it easier. I’m calmer at the moment and super grateful for that.
              Love, light and glitter

              Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree…this is for our thoughts and feelings…we cry out our hearts, our soul, our frustration, this is what it’s for, don’t ever apologise..my love.. you have a good ramble..we are all in this together..as I always say…✌🏼♥️..

    Liked by 4 people

  3. You’re ramblings are a great portrayal of how our minds work – they jump from one thing to another. You’re just being open and natural about it.
    I hope you get to chat with your friend this weekend.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. I don’t recall which friend it was, but it was nice to catch up with one of them. Just seeing her keeps the relationship. If that makes sense.
      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Ramble a you want. It helps you to get out your thought. I find them interesting when I am able to sit and read. Plus there are more benefits to them. As I have stated before you have help me through your writings and some of them were your ramblings. Plus you can go back and reread if ever you choose to to see where you were at this point in your life. We all can recall but our memories can be fickle things. Not always remembering exactly how thing went. Even if we believe that is the way it happened because I remember. Thank you for your ramblings. Continue on.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Ramble on – I used to be a slave to makeup, creams and such all geared to make you look good. I have fall so far from slave to a beauty routine since working from home. Hope your arm improves.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It is better… beauty routine and me??? I’m actually using it twice a day for if I’m paying I may as well use it. If it doesn’t make a difference all I’ll have done is tried…

      Liked by 2 people

  6. We are all human and we all experience light and dark…please know that those who visit your page care about you and dont think that you are rambling. You are sharing and as many have said before me….that is what our spaces are all about. No judgement just care and compassion. XX

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Thanks (in advance) for the cake pics and recipe, Eliza! How I’ve looked forward to this moment…and, well, here it is!

    Good news about sleep being not quite as elusive lately. Surely a benefit of your increased schedule. A busy day, followed by a well-earned fatigue folding you in its arms. Pretty satisfying, huh?

    Nice of you to think of ways to help your friend accompany you in Krav Maga classes. You mentioned, eventually, maybe going on your own, but why would you want to? Having a friend along surely* must make it more enjoyable for all involved.

    Anyway, I can’t wait to see this cake. I hope it’s not too good, Eliza, or it’ll put me out of business!

    *Oh, and my name’s not Shirley.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You referenced shirley before (not on my blog) but I can’t recall the explanation you gave…
      I want to be able to go without my friend. She is away next week and may be away the week after. I’ll go with her whenever she can and want to be able to go without her… an entire week almost to psyche myself to.
      I’m almost finished writing the post. It doesn’t seem to be very clear but maybe that doesn’t matter as you’ll see it either way.
      Any plans for this week?
      💕🕯🌠

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well then, worthy goals, Eliza.

        As for “Shirley,” it’s a clumsy reference to “Police Squad,” a parody movie.

        In it, the protagonist slides a photo across the desk to a store clerk and asks, “Have you seen this woman? She’s my wife.”

        The clerk glances at the picture, looks at the drab officer and replies, “Surely this can’t be your wife.”

        “No.” the officer answers, “That’s just her photo. And my name’s not ‘Shirley.'”

        Hilarious, huh?

        Liked by 3 people

        1. Thanks! It came into a random folder… I’ve starred it and will look at it when I’ve headspace to read (and can actually really fully see the screen.
          I can’t see anywhere on there (yet?) to follow so I’ll see…
          Love, light and glitter

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Ahahaha, the failures of tech. There is a follow button, but you need to click on the envelope on the bottom right of the page to see it. 😀

            Liked by 2 people

            1. Found that. I hope I even look at my emails.. (at the moment I don’t look through most of them). Will see what happens 🙂
              Hope today was a good day…
              Love, light and glitter

              Liked by 1 person

              1. All good! Thanks for following! Most days i’m just grumpy. I suppose that isn’t too bad? Hope your day goes splendid! 🙂

                Liked by 2 people

  8. Social anxiety s tough, thats why I avoided classes etc… though my social anxiety is better now…. I saw on instagram that we have social anxiety because we feel people are unsafe. Interesting for me to ponder over.

    Ramble away, it’s your blog, your space and I consider it a privilege to connect with you here. I hope the burns heal well with no scarring if possible. Hugs if wanted!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I really like that thought. It makes sense. It would also explain why I’m automatically more wary of meeting guys (when I think about it, in real life it’s not as much of a difference). I don’t want fear to rule my life though, so, we’ll see what happens 🙂
      Thank you! That’s really nice of you…
      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

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