My arm is really hurting. I think the blister peeled, it wasn’t intentional, I’m not sure how it happened, and it’s just hurting. There isn’t anything I can do about it, or that I even want to do. It’s just a constant awareness of my arm.

I’ve been burning a little less. Sleeping more. I’m so grateful for sleep. Who knew how grateful one had to be for sleep? I’m so grateful for I’ve been falling asleep at night, for the past week. I’ve actually been able to go to sleep. And the not being able to go to sleep is what has kept me up more than anything else. So I’m grateful, that I have been able to sleep.

I took pictures of the hot chocolate fudge cake I made today so that I can post the recipe for TA, who I’ve told I’ll do it for.

I need to order shoes that I put in a basket, I know I want the shoes, I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. Maybe coz’ they’re expensive. I should just order them already.

My hand – it’s my arm really – is hurting.

I’ve been needing to burn a little less. It’s not as constant and, it’s not the only thing in my world. A month ago, that’s all there was. Today, that isn’t all there is. There’s work – I’m present at work. I’m enjoying, mostly, what I’m teaching. I enjoy my morning job, I don’t enjoy the afternoon as much. I’m loving learning – I have to learn the material and really know it to be able to teach it.

I wonder if my arm will stop throbbing me?

2020. Why’m I suddenly moving on to here? I have a lot of plans for the year. I’ve been trying to get through to my GP and it’s a little impossible to do so. I’m not sure why I’m even trying to for it’s not like I’ll get through. Yesterday my friend said to me that when she told someone what I’d taken the person said it couldn’t be for I wouldn’t have been talking to her then. I laughed. Because this is a couple of weeks ago before I went away (and I was up all night, and then throwing up nothing for a few hours, but later on), because, I’ve taken a lot more than that before. And whoever had said that to her obviously didn’t know what they were talking about. I took that and more for over a month – daily. Gradually upping the amount. It was never enough. I don’t want to use. I actually occasionally think about it. Taking more than just then. I don’t want to more than I do want to. I want to live in this world and be present more than that.

I was listening to a class by R’ Yitzchak Berkowitz. He was talking about ‘souls’. I was planning on writing an entire blog post on this. There are 3 parts to the soul, or 3 different souls. Whatever you want to call it. There’s the part of you that is made up of the DNA and is alive. Is conscious and aware and living – the part that animals live with. There’s the part of you that is pure spirit – the energy and consciousness that is a part of the energy and consciousness of the spirit of the universe, that is completely if you want to use the word spiritual, or part of the world, or part of the source of the world, however you describe it. And there is the ‘ruach’ the part of you that combines the 2. Where free will lies. Animals follow the rules of behaviourism. People don’t. Because people are made up of both parts and it’s the ‘ruach’, what is called the spirit of the person that joins/combines/connects the two, and makes choices drawing on both parts.

I’m not sure what I wanted to write about that , I had a whole lot to say.

This week has been good. Back to work. I tried calling up the IAPT service and left a message, about doing a mindfulness course. I’ve done one once upon a time and would love to do another. I really should call up someone I’m thinking of and ask him for advice. But I’m not. Not yet.

I miss one of my friends. I haven’t spoken to her in ages. I’ll be seeing her on Sunday and I wonder if we’ll get to speak. I miss her. We used to have a lot to do with each other because of work. Now that we don’t work together we don’t see one another. She doesn’t need anything from me.

I was talking to a friend the other day. About life. About how it’s not all or nothing. There is no end destination. I felt like I was sharing with her all that I’ve had to learn these past few weeks. That there’s no end destination. That it’s about the journey. That she can set an intention for what she’d like to be and the awareness of it will help it to happen. That putting something out there allows it to come to you. She wanted to know if I believed in ‘that kinda stuff’ and I explained to her that I did, and why. For there has to be an infinity/source, and our existence, the existence of this universe has to be a part of that infinity/source, therefore we’re all connected, the entire universe boils down to energy and we’re all part of that energy. So putting out energy, or allowing ourselves to receive energy, does bring it to you. I know that I’ve worked through so much of what I know just through osmosis. Just by living and being. That my understanding of the universe isn’t necessarily based on the texts I’ve read or classes I’ve listened to. That by setting my intention that I’m ready to learn, to know, and grow, it’s happened. I know that last year I said my goal for the year was to be responsible for myself. To own my choices. To take responsibility. I know that I’m doing that. Nowhere near as much as I should – there are things I want to do in order to take care of myself and don’t have the energy or headspace to even though I know I should. In many ways I’m taking care of myself more than I used to. And it’s not all a choice. It’s an attitude shift by deciding I want it to be that way. It’s coming to me by being ready for it. And I’m learning that it’s a journey. That there is no end destination. Everything is so disconnected. I guess that’s why this is a ramble and not a specific point. I can sometimes stay on point.

Krav maga classes are starting again! I’m really looking forward to it. I’ll probably be paying for my friend to come with me. She doesn’t have the money for it. Neither do I if I’m honest but I’m looking at it as the class is double the price. The last of the introductory sessions she couldn’t come. And, I just couldn’t go. I couldn’t go alone however much I wanted to. I just couldn’t face it – and I like the instructor and the people who were doing it. Therefore, if I want to go – and I do. It’s good for me to go out. It’s good for me to learn new things. It’s good for me to exercise. If I want to go, it’s worth it for me to pay for us both. I’ll have to ask her if she’s okay with me mentioning it to the instructor, for the instructor may either subsidise the cost or say she doesn’t have to pay (which will mean I don’t have to). There may be another free exercise class which will be cool for us to go to. One day I want to be able to go alone. If it’s a set group of a few people and it’s prearranged that I’m going I’d be okay going alone, but it’s not like that. I’m not sure what it’s about (yeah, I know it’s social anxiety) but it’s definitely not something I’m working on but I’m working around it, instead. Social anxiety doesn’t usually run my life. There are some things I don’t do because of it. And there are things I push myself to do in spite of it – if I want it enough, or just because I’m scared, or if it’s important enough. And there are the things I miss out on because of it. Though this is the only example recently. The other time was a few months ago when I didn’t go to an evening I half wanted to go to.

Anyways, I’m not sure why I’m rambling anymore, or that it’s even saying anything…

My arm is hurting still and I’m not sure what to do about it – as in I’ve put on savlon and protected it, and not sure there is anything else that I can do.

My internet has just cut down so finishing writing this on my phone. Which means no linking posts and comments may not work.

On to other news, I just paid £100 on some skin care products – wash, toner and serum. Matis. One hundred pounds!!!!! Included in the price is high frequency for a couple of minutes once a week. I’m not sure if it will do anything for my skin, but it can’t harm to try. Honestly, I think you can get cheaper facial products that are as good, but I want the high frequency and the beautician selling it does them both together. It can’t harm me to use the stuff twice a day, and I’m really hoping to get rid of the redness and scarring. I know it probably won’t get rid of the acne, for it’s not treating the cause, but it’s a gamble or investment. I wasn’t going to do it for it’s so much money, then realised that I’m worth the risk. Even if it’s a 5th of my monthly wage. Rambling way too much.

I’m grateful for this space. This space to journal. This space to be. The people who are so nice, and supportive, and real and genuine. I haven’t been following most blogs. I have more headspace. My mindset is okay. Way more okay. I’m in a more okay space. And I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful for the sunshine. For the moments of beauty. Someone commented something on SF that I thought was really good. That in dark tines we discount the beauty as irrelevant or not real when we should be celebrating each moment of light and expanding on it. It reminded me of my reasons to live site and the purpose of it. To make the beauty and positivity the central aspect. It’s not always so easy or possible, but noticing the good, trying to, when you can’t, has and will have a cumulative effect.

And I thought I was rambling before… I guess it’s okay as most people wont be reading this. Thank you to you 🙂 (who is/did)

Love, light and glitter

Happy weekend!!!

Eliza