A year ago Simon wrote a letter to himself in a years time, and I copied the idea (where’s this years letter Si?). I just read the letter I wrote to myself to be read in 2020, and my plan for the past year. It makes me both nostalgic, and appreciate what is right now.


A year ago I wrote what I wanted the year to be about.

It’s the start of an entirely new year. A year I get to choose. I have the choices to make. The responsibility is mine. Looking back I see how often I refused to take responsibility. I wouldn’t say refused as much as didn’t. Wasn’t aware that I could. Seeing it gives me the choice. To take responsibility for my life. To own what is mine. The choices that I make. The actions I take. The decisions. That are mine to own. I used to wish some fairy would just come in and wave their magic wand and take over my life for me. I don’t any longer. I’m grateful. Grateful that my life is mine to live. That my mistakes are mine to own.

Reasons to LIve 149

It’s nice to see. To see that I am taking the responsibility I wanted to a year ago. To see the change. To see how my plan for the year – to own my life – materialised. I’ve taken, am taking, responsibility for my life. I can’t say I always take the responsibility I want to. More like, I push off things I want to do, but I am doing this. I’m not doing all I think taking responsibility means. I’m doing a lot more of it (A1, A10 as Em and Skinny Hobbit so kindly pointed out last night).


A year ago I wrote a letter to myself, to be read this year. The shortened version reads

Looking back at the year you’ll probably see lotsa changes, and lotsa things that are still the same. I wonder where you’ll be in a years time…. I wonder if you’ll have studied further. I wonder if you’ll have changed your views on dating. I wonder whether you’ve worked through what you believe. I wonder if you’re teaching….

It’s strange to read this letter. I want you to realise how much is different. You’ve set your plan for the year out. You wrote about it in the post about responsibility and freedom. Eh, looks like it’s titled ‘Taking ownership of my life’. Yup, take ownership of your life. You are doing that. I’m guessing you’ve been doing that a lot more in the past year than you ever have. Remember jokingly asked R’ R if he’d take over, with the grain of truth there? I’m glad you can take control. I’m glad you can take responsibility. I’m glad you want to. I wonder what it’ll be like for you.

As with everything, it’s a new year. A year has gone by. A year of hope. A year of dreams. A year of aspirations. A year of laughter. A year. A year has gone by. A year seems like such a long time. You’ll be 25 when you’re reading this. 25 seems so young. Yet so much older than 24. Age is meaningless. …you’ll be connecting to the you of a year ago who had no clue what to write to herself for a years time.

I love you E. If there’s one thing I hope you’ve learned during this year it’s that you’re not guilty. And you’re deserving. Both. I know that they’re flip sides of the same coin, separate yet so similar. If there’s another thing I hope you’ve learned it’s that whatever happens you really do have your greatest ally – yourself – at your side. Trust your intuition! Don’t feel guilty for it. Just be you. For you’re the most fantastic, amazing person I’ve ever met. Just because you’re you. As you always tell others, you don’t have to do anything to be worthy, you just ARE. Asides that you’re part of the infinite, so you must be infinity itself. Whatever happens E, whatever you’ve done this year, whatever you haven’t done, whatever you’re grateful for, whatever you hate, whatever you love, whatever you want to change, whatever you want to throw away, regardless of anything E, you’re always worth it, and you’ll always have your own best friend – yourself – with you….. I hope that’s another thing that’s different now a year later. I hope that you really do love yourself. Feel safe with yourself. Believe in yourself. I hope that the life you’re living is a life beyond your wildest dreams. Loving life doesn’t mean it’ll be easy. It means it’ll be real, you’ll be present for it, and that you’re loving the ride – the ups, the downs, the plateaus, the cliff jumps, the rocks, the paragliding. You’re awesome E! Am I beginning to repeat myself and get boring already?

pART OF THE LETTER TO MYSELF

It was, is, nice to read it. I appreciate seeing what I wrote. Hearing this again. A lot of what I wrote that I want to be different, it is different. It’s not completely different. It’s partially. I wanted to get to B, instead, I’m on the way there and not where I was. It’s nice to actually see it in written form. I appreciate it especially now when I’m busy messing my life up and it feels a bit like – what was it all worth? For it was worth it. During the last year I’ve taken responsibility. I’ve built relationships. I’m okay with touch.

I wrote that I hope I feel safe with myself, love myself and believe in myself. I don’t. But I feel safer with myself. I love myself more than I did. I believe in myself more than I did. I know, logically, that I’m worth it. I wanted to work through what I believe. A year ago I was hoping to be a lot farther on. To know fully what I believe. I don’t know fully. I know a lot more than I knew a year ago. I’ve separated some of what I hate about the culture I grew up in, from actual Judaism. I know that they’re 2 different things. That the culture and people aren’t what judaism is about, and I shouldn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. I think that’s a saying or something.

I think the first sentence I wrote is the truest. That looking back over the past year I can see a lot of change, and there are a lot of things that are still the same. I see change with boundaries I’m able to keep and respect. I see it the same with boundaries too, how I’ve crossed my own boundaries with someone and thereby crossed theirs, and I’m not sure how to have a relationship with them without wrecking it. I see change in the responsibility I’m taking. I see how it’s the same that I don’t want to take it. I see change in how I don’t feel the guilt for living, existing, and being that I used to. It’s the same in that I don’t really know I’m deserving of it (life). I see a lot of change. And a lot that is still the same. I’m glad to see this. To see that it isn’t all the same.

I like that you’re writing to yourself in a years time for it means that you actually envision yourself to be here in a year. You actually plan on being alive for 2020. 

I didn’t. I didn’t really plan on being alive for 2020. Now, I do. I do plan on being alive for 2020. I want to be here. This isn’t about what I want for 2020. It’s more about seeing what was. What I want? That’s another topic entirely. I’ve not reflected on what I want yet this year, it’s not something I’ve been able to do, and, that’s okay. For the moment it’s about getting through the moment and planning how to move past today’s reality and needs.

I’m grateful. I’m grateful for the past year. I’m grateful I get to see what is different. I’m grateful that where there never used to be choice, there is choice now. I’m grateful that I can see the possibility of another life, a life without messing my life up. I’m grateful for all that was, and that I can see that it isn’t the same.

Thank you to all of you who’ve been here with me this past year – I hope you know how much I appreciate it.

So long as there’s life, there’s hope.

Love, light and glitter

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15 thoughts on “Looking back over 2019. 2020 – well, here we are.

  1. Progress isn’t always seeing that we have made it to where we want and or are striving to be. It’s the changes we make along the way on the path to our destination. We may not always notice those changes until we take the time to reflect on where we were. Even a step forward from where we were is progress. Change is a great thing even if it is a four letter word to most. Keep going. Keep striving. And as always thank you for what you’re doing. You are amazing and wonderful. Truly.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I am thankful for you as well.
        A few. I am working to having more yet less than I did before I let it all go.
        Making it through two semesters of school and getting into the PT program that I am working toward. Finding a way to help others and myself to learn the importance of loving one another. To start. What are some of your plans for the year?

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Get help. Know who I am and what I want. Finish level 5 course. Start exercising. Volunteer. Let go of some more of the guilt. Take some more responsibility. At the end of the year, not now, to be taking better care of myself – I mean the basics, and to be journaling more consistently. Not a lot :). Oh, and to be present, and learn at least a bit about emotions/feelings and how/when they play a part in my life.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I love this idea. We started the year off sad, as I very old cat just as the new decade arrived. All still feeling it: apathy and sadness, so this I thunk will help us. Thank you. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
      It’s really hard when what we love isn’t with us.
      I hope this new decade brings joy your way.
      Thank you for passing by and taking the time to reply…
      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

  3. As you know, Eliza, it’s all about the voyage, not the destination. How can it be anything but?

    We never quite reach our goals, but in pursuing them we not only improve our personal circumastances, but make the world a bit better for others too.

    Though we only “met” last year, we’ve already had several good discussions and your writing sparks my interest. Always.

    My 2019 was better for having you in it, and I suspect 2020 will enjoy a similar advantage.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I really appreciate that it interests you. Even though I’m not sure why you aren’t yet bored… you’ve summed up what I wrote way better than I could have!

      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

      1. How could this be boring? You’re so genuine, giving each thought consideration, and exploring the possibilities.

        No canned, programmed responses here. You reward our opinions and questions with your own. How can that not be enormously flattering…and interesting?

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        1. Hmm, coz’ I was actually just thinking now that I’m not sure how come you’ve the patience to read and really read (as in understand what I mean too) all that I write, when so much is so nonsensical. I’m touched that you say that. Really. Thanks for being here…

          Like

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