How do I get from A to B? How do I get from where I am now, to where I want to be?

I spent today freaking out. I realised later on that I was on the verge of a panic attack. That is actually major news for me. The realisation and awareness I mean. Of how on edge I was. Of being able to label it. Not that I ever have had panic attacks – or, I probably pretty much have, I just call it freaking out and don’t label the not breathing, freaking out as panicking because there’s no fear of anything.

I got back last night. The last leg of the journey home was spent thinking about burning and using cocodamol. This morning I messed with burning, meaning only messed. I stopped before I blistered myself. I thought that being away would take me out of the situation and when I came back it would be different. Except that it isn’t. I thought that when I came home I would be able to look at what was and be able to figure out how to move forward. Except that it isn’t what was, but it is what is. There is no past here for it’s the present. It’s the need to burn in the present moment.

I was listening to a class last night. It was actually on prophecy, how prophecy is about disconnecting from your own finiteness enough to be able to tune into infinity. Strange how all the class said was my thoughts on what prophecy would be. And that prophecy doesn’t exist today. Other interesting points he made. One point struck me – that we can’t get pleasure from what we need. If we have a need to eat, we won’t enjoy the food. I need to burn myself. I don’t get pleasure from it. It’s just a need. I also need sugar more now that I’m home. I don’t know what the underlying need is that I’m trying to fill. I know it can’t really be filled by burning myself, but temporarily it can. And burning only counts if it blisters. And I don’t want more scars. And I can’t burn myself as much coz’ I can’t take painkillers to dull the pain enough to help me endure more to burn more. That sounds a bit crazy as I write it, but, it’s just the reality. And I haven’t journaled in ages – which is disconnected I know. I can go off onto so many tangents. If I let myself. In a way it’s fun to. Freeing to. I can feel the tear tracks on my face from the few tears I let happen.

So A. Where I am now. That I need to burn myself and I’m acting on it. I’m not making a comment about using cocodamol for I haven’t yet today – the first day I’m back – and I hope not to for it really made me ill (a few wouldn’t, but I don’t know how to stop at just a few) and I really don’t want to kill myself. I don’t mind being dead, but, I don’t want to end my life, and if I’m making myself that ill I’m not present and no clue what it’ll be doing to me. Where am I else? I don’t know. For the only thing I can see at present is burning. Everything else fades into the background.

B. Where I want to be. I don’t want this, my present reality, for my life. I want to be loving a life I live and living a life I love. That’s always been my refrain. What does that look like? I don’t know what it looks like. It looks like being present. Which I was. I have to remember that I really and truly was and that just coz’ this is my reality it doesn’t take away from what my reality was. It looks like peace. It looks like serenity. Connection – to myself, others, a source of the world (I have the last most of the 3, which is in a way surprising. Maybe not surprising, for it’s something I’ve worked on a lot, but unexpected). It looks like understanding myself and my world. It looks like being able to identify emotions, know what I feel, when I feel it, eventually why, and how to handle it, or live through it. It looks like forgiveness. Of others, and mainly of myself, and most definitely of a source of the world. It looks like okayness. It looks like reality, like the reality that some people on WP show through their blogging that they’re living.

How do I get from A to B? I don’t honestly know. I’m so frustrated with what is, for however much I know it doesn’t cancel out what was, it makes me wonder if I was imagining how okay I was. I know it wasn’t my imagination. I know it was the truth. I know from my friends. I know from myself. I know from the relationships I’ve built with people. I know because I see how much I’m a part of my family now, which, I never used to be. I know because I see how I’m more aware of things, I see the ‘before’ that never used to exist. I know because I’m taking some sort of responsibility for my life. Responsibility I never used to own. I know because I see the boundaries I’m keeping with others. I see some of the honesty I have with people. I see change. Even today when I’m not handling I see how much is different, and it shows me that what was, the okayness, the presentness, was real. I was still working towards where I wanted to be. I was putting in place different things I wanted. Like exercise classes. I wonder how real it all was. And I know it was real.

I don’t know how to go from here. I don’t know what I need to get me from A to B.I know I need help, I just don’t know what kinda help that would look like. I know I can’t do it on my own. Yet I know that I have to. Writing, journaling, has always been the best form of therapy for me. It’s how I’ve worked through my world. It’s how I’ve learned to understand myself and others. It’s how I’ve connected to myself and others. It’s how I’ve let go. Writing is the best therapy. And it’s not something I’ve been doing. It’s not something I’ve been able to do. I can’t let myself just ramble. I can’t do it. There’s not enough safety to do so. And that just is.

There’s something I want to set up, and don’t know if I can do so myself, if I can’t find it in existence – and I don’t know how to find out, and that’s a DBT group. The only thing is, it was on my plans to set it up, and the kinda thing I wanted was a group of say 4 people, all who were in a good space, none who would trigger me. And now I’m in that space that I don’t want anyone to be in. That was part of my plans to getting where I wanted to be. Before I messed up. It’s still part ofmy plans, just that I don’t have the headspace as much now, and I don’t know how to ask someone I was thinking of asking about it.

I don’t know. Everything just is. And every day is a new day with every moment a new moment. I was in the library earlier and I was wondering whether the guy who was serving me could see how much I was freaking out. I was wondering how visible it was.

There is someone I can text and ask if she’ll help me. And I’m going to text her when I’ve finished writing this. My only hesitation is, my real hesitation, is that she isn’t the right person to ask. She does energy work and has helped me a really lot, and she thinks that is all I need to do. I don’t know what she thinks. I do know that any time I’ve asked her about therapy she hasn’t been keen. That’s not true. Sometimes she has been really for it and has thought I should go for it. I know that she’s right with what she says – that talk therapy isn’t for me. For that comes from what I’ve told her. I don’t do speaking. I don’t do talking. She does the work that she does often without me at all, not even on the phone, because I really cannot handle it. Speaking to her sends me spiraling. Not always, but when I’m in this mode it makes it worse. Speaking to anyone would, especially because I just don’t do talking. So maybe she can advise me. For maybe she wouldn’t actually tell me not to do anything. Maybe she would have an idea of what I can do. I actually want her on board with anything I do, more like to know in advance, but either way it’s okay. And I don’t recall what I was trying to say. Other than that I’ll text her and see if she has any suggestions and/or can help me at all. I also saw on the IAPT site for my community that they offer mindfulness classes for a few weeks if they think you’ll benefit. I’ve done an MBSR course before and found it really helpful, so maybe I’ll call and see if they can offer a class. (edit: I just texted her asking if there’s any way she can help me figure out/plan how to get from here to whatever B may look like, and, will see, for now I just want to get back to what I was doing – nothing good, but that’s just what is. To which she replied likely. I’m not sure if I am meant to respond. Will see).

I’m tired. And just tired. I wish I weren’t back here, and wonder if I’ve brought it upon myself. And yes I know logically speaking that I haven’t. And that it just is and that it’ll have to change and pass and that it will. However much I wish this weren’t the reality, it just is. And wishing ain’t gonna do anything.

I start work soon. I really want to be present. I want to be giving my students my all and not shortchanging them or myself. Which if I’m messing up and not present at work I will be. But that also just is. And, I want to get to point B. That’s half the journey. That I want it. That I don’t want this for myself or my life. Tomorrow – whenever that tomorrow comes – is a new day.

I hope I’m not going to regret publishing this, as when I started writing I thought it would be a private post.

Love, light and glitter

Happy new year!

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42 thoughts on “TW: How do I get from where I am now to where I want to be?”

  1. Eliza – I hope that it helped to text your friend and that writing the post helped relieve some of the anxiety. This is a really stressful time of year for those of us with mental health problems. Sometimes I think it would be better to hibernate, like a bear. Everyone’s experience is different but sometimes cognitive behavior therapy worked for me, most of the time medication is the answer for me, along with acceptance and patience. Keep journaling, keep thinking of options (you might like a self-help group or a new therapist) and don’t look back with regret. Each day is a new one and we learn new coping skills even old people like me… Sending you a virtual hug! ❤️

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    2. And yeah, writing it did help. It’s what I miss most about journaling. The getting it out of my own head. Which then leaves space for other things.

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  2. I hope you were able to reach out to someone and get the help you need.
    You make a great point regarding needs. I never thought of it that way, but yes, I do not derive pleasure from obtaining something that I need.
    How about getting some exercise books for DBT? That way you wouldn’t need to talk or be in contact with other people?

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    1. I texted her. She replied likely. I’m not sure what I’m meant to reply so will think about it.
      I’ve thought about getting workbooks. I doubt I’ll be able to do it alone but it’s worth a try either way.

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    1. Thank you for reading and passing by Crystal. I wish I was back where I was – before messing up – but, that isn’t, and this is.
      Thanks for the glitter 🙂

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  4. I hope you will be okay, Eliza. Strangely, I’m having a day of anxiety, tossed in with some panic, now and then. I feel like I’m on the edge of falling off a cliff, or something. You’re not alone. That probably doesn’t help, though. Big hugssss. ❤️ thinking of you.

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  5. You don’t have to get from A to B. There’s A1, A2, and every other number that needs to exist in between. Don’t get yourself stuck in the form of thought that anything has to be linear. Just take small steps. I’m sorry things feel so tough. I am here rooting for you, as is everyone else. Keep trying these new avenues, because you’ll find more therapeutic benefit from something. Hang in there!! xx

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    1. I really appreciate this (the point of all the options in between). Thank you. I know where I want to be. Seems like wishing should just get you there, no? (I wish!)
      Love, light and glitter

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  6. How to get from A to B, Eliza? When you learn the answer, please, tell us. It’d do all of us good to discuss this.

    In the meantime, we continue stumbling through life, slipping and sliding past truths and into mistakes. And vice-versa, certainly!

    Truth is, collectively, we are liable to hit on something useful nearly every day. C’mon, people, divvy!

    That includes you, Eliza. You’re putting pen to paper (so to speak) to explore your feelings. You’re blogging, teaching and still interacting. That Eliza still believes in you, knows you’ll get through this. We all do. The audience is on its feet. Will you reward us with another bow?

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    1. I’m glad I have that Eliza around, and that you’re here to remind me of it. It’s beginning to seem more possible. Maybe coz’ I’m beginning to do what I need to, in order to figure out what my options are.

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  9. Btw, I had to Google that. It’s an honest program, above all. You’re taking narcotics. The question is, are you taking narcotics because you’re burning yourself or are you burning yourself to take narcotics?

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      1. Nope. If you’re into burning, it’d make more sense if you wanted to feel it. I was a cutter and I wanted to bleed. I never stitched myself or used a bandage… I wanted the trickle. But that’s just me, I suppose.

        And I didn’t take so much as a regular Tylenol.

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        1. Oh, I definitely feel it! Couldn’t sleep because of it last night. I can’t force myself to go as far as I want to. It’s actually not good the painkillers, because I went way further than I wanted to. I appreciate hearing what you wanted. Makes me feel less crazy that I need to blister. (even if and though it’s something I’m going to stop, coz’ it’s not what I want for my life. The fact that I’m using when I burn is one of the biggest incentives for me to stop because when I’m in the mode it’s way too easy to go too far and I’m not interested in destroying myself. I just want, I don’t know what I want. And there’ll be no way to know what I’m wanting from it until I’ve actually stopped so can see what the need is. Why’m I rambling?
          Love, light and glitter

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          1. I stopped cutting after a particularly messed up event in college… I realized, in a moment of clarity, exactly how bat-shit crazy I was. It wasn’t a shining moment in my life. Keep coming back… and stop using the drugs. Feeling it more might help you quit burning yourself.

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  11. Hey Eliza, sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling so low and that you’ve been harming. I sincerely hope that there is some end to this for you and soon. It’s excessively incessant when you’re fighting multiple battles in your own mind and with your own thoughts and your body. It’s tiring, it feels eternal and it’s corrosive. Sending you so much love and always here for you if you need anything.

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      1. You’re welcome, sorry I can’t do more. Are you working today or are you off until Monday?

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          1. Yeah but it isn’t always as easy as it sounds. Remember to reach out whenever you need it. To me or to anyone you trust. How’s your day going?

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            1. It isn’t. But it is the reality. I’m the only person who can do anything. No one can do it for me.
              I’m not great at teaching out, but thanks.
              My day has been super busy. Shabbat here soon and made dessert.
              How about you?

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              1. Slow day at work. Getting finished at 5 then off to get the little man for the night. Looking forward to seeing him 🙂

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  12. Pingback: Looking back over 2019. 2020 – well, here we are. – Journey to life

  14. I’m not at B yet, but am much further away from A as I ever thought I’d be. Little steps into the void of the unknown. Giving up the control. It’s scary.

    Whenever anyone asks me why I’m always so happy, I say three things.
    1) I’m grateful for life. I’m grateful that I was born a woman now in the west, with all of the rights I have. I’m grateful for a job, good food, a safe, warm bed, flowers, public transport, shoes that fit, all sorts. It doesn’t have to be big.I’d recommend starting a grateful journal and writing three things every night that you are thankful for. Don’t look at the book for several months. You might be surprised at how uplifting it makes you feel.

    2) Not comparing myself to anyone else. I’m me and they’re them. There has always been and always will be someone else who is prettier, thinner, taller, richer, more popular, brainier than me. Comparing their edited highlights reel on Instagram with my mundane life is not healthy. I have been just out of shot of some of those inspirational, lifestyle photographs and, believe me, they’re not anything like reality. They’re as far from real life as porn is to actual, normal sex. I don’t need to be part of their validation game. If they want to spend four hours putting on makeup to take 100 photographs just to pick one for “the likes” then let them. I’m too busy living my own life.

    3) Have no expectations of anyone else. The whole “why can’t they just do this?” or “they should be” or “why don’t they like me?” is futile. It’s the tiny connections in life, the everyday moments that make everything worthwhile. Feelings are temporary. Life is sonder moments.

    I find writing is therapy, so keep it up. You’ll get there. Enjoy the journey.

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    1. Tgank you so much for sharing… I really (really and truly) appreciate it.
      I used to write a list of what I’m grateful for each night but since I’ve stopped journaling I haven’t. I would like to get back to it – thank you for the reminder!
      I have found writing to be therapy. At the moment I’m not journaling and it’s not negative, it just is, and is okay.
      No expectations are the most important. Saves the hurt and frustration.
      Thank you for passing by!!
      Love, light, and glitter

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