I’m wondering if it was my imagination that I was okay.

Took cocodamol and if I wasn’t cutting off I would be scaring myself. I’m not crossing into the danger zone as of now but way too close for my liking. It wasn’t meant to be this way. I thought that was it with self harm or messing up my life. I was trying to build my life. And I thought I was doing so. Building a life for myself however slowly. I guess I really was. Working more. Working through what I believe. Connecting to a source, to people. Building health relationships with people and putting boundaries in place with others. The only thing I was messing with was food and it was okay. It really was okay. Unless I’m imagining that it was okay and really it wasn’t. I don’t know. Today is today. I don’t want to have to deal with any of this. I don’t know what is behind any of it. At the moment it doesn’t seem too daunting – coz I’ve cut off from it. Reminds me how grateful I always was for being present. And the plans I was making for how to learn what I feel, to be present with what I feel. Why’m I rambling? I want to use more (cocodamol). For now not going to, will see if I can get to sleep first, since I’m not sure how safe it’ll be to take another 8. I know I’ve used more than 40 in the past. It’s so easy to take when you swallow (2 plus years ago when I was using I used soluble). Going to try and sleep. Was listening to a song earlier about god being with you always. Was wondering if there is a source of the world really with me. It’s possible, even if I can’t see why this is what a source would be wanting for me (and it’s not what I’m choosing. I really didn’t choose this). Writing too much. Let’s hope this makes some sort of sense. It’s too much became it’s not like I’m actually saying anything. I don’t want this – the messing my life up – for my life. So I’ll have to figure something out. Even if I was never meant to be in this place of destruction and never meant to have to figure it out. Though as I said, maybe it was just my imagination that I was okay. I know it wasn’t my imagination, but that makes the most sense for what is now. I know, I don’t need to rationalise anything, and I’ll figure it out later. I wish I didn’t have to do this. I wish this wasn’t my reality. I wish I could just go back to what was and continue the upwards trajectory. You know, using has one benefit I never expected. I’ve cut off enough that in a sense I can see what I want more. I really won’t appreciate all the scars I’ve given myself. If I wasn’t here right now I would accept them much more. And I really should stop here.

Love, light and glitter 

Edit. Its nearly 7am. Been dozing on and off. Feeling dizzy, icky and been throwing up nothing. Travelling tonight and really want to be okay by then. (Somehow need to pack whilst feeling like this). When I’m away I won’t be messing up at all. That’s my plan. To then figure it out when back. And for now need to find a way to feel better. I used to like the dazedness of cocodamol. Really not feeling very good.

I’m tired, and wish this weren’t my reality. I was never meant to mess up with anything ever again. That was my plan anyways. I’m not sure what happened to derail it. And I know that isn’t important now. I just really wish it wasn’t what it is. I didn’t ask for it. And however much it’s obviously all my choices I don’t see how or where it ever really was a choice. That’s not what I came on to write. Now I just want to feel better (physically) and wonder if there is a way to.

19 thoughts on “Rambling 98673

    1. In bed trying to sleep… went to get sleep after I wrote this.
      And, I could use more but the it’d be 40 already and not sure how safe that is. And I wonder if the daze of it stops me sleeping.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. My dad used to tell me, “wish in one hand and shit in the other… tell me which one fills first.

    I say keep using. Keep going till it really hurts. Till you REALLY lose something important. Once it hurts bad enough, maybe you’ll stop. That’s what the instruction manual says to do, anyway. Good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. If it wouldn’t kill me – which it would do – I probably would. I didn’t plan on using, and don’t plan on, and need to make a real plan on how to move past this (and only after that figure out what’s going on and why).
      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Don’t ever forget the power you possess within you. Because there is only one of you and really that’s all you need. Your pain and situation is unique to you, and no one else is truly going to understand it. But if you have done better you can do it again. And if you’ve diverted from your plan you can walk back in the correct direction.
    Really praying hard for you, care and love xXx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Platitudes abound, Eliza, but of what use are they? You describe your situation clearly. I sympathize, definitely, but only can guess at how you’re feeling.

    The fact that you’re struggling with this, and are frustrated things have slipped, tells me a significant part of you hasn’t given up, and wants to make things better. Listen to her.

    Enlist us, too. We’re here to listen, to support you. Part of you knows this, else you wouldn’t be telling us about things. You have resources, Eliza. Use them now, while they’re fresh!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Your comment brings me to tears. Thank you. I don’t want this for my life. And, it will change coz it has to. I need to plan how to get from A to B sometime.
      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

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