I wrote this out last night (including these bracketed annotations that explain all that I mean), and it got deleted (thanks wordpress), so I’m writing it out again. I wrote to myself which didn’t help at all, so decided to try this.

Eliza, what is going on?

I want to burn myself

So why aren’t you?

Coz’ I’ll take cocodamol so that I can go far enough. It doesn’t count as burning if I don’t blister

So why don’t you (take cocodamol)?

Do I want to use cocodamol?

You tell me.

I don’t know. Both (yes and no).

Why do you (want to use cocodamol and burn)?

I’m tired of holding on. It’s endless, so whatever, so I’ll use and go back there (to where I want 2 years ago) and I won’t stop (using).

Why don’t you want to (use cocodamol and burn)?

I don’t want to go back there.

Back where?

I like being present

Which do you rather (using/self harm or being present)?

Being present

So you know what you want.

I still want to burn myself.

I know. And you’re choosing being present over that.

Is it worth it (to choose being present and not to burn)?

You’re the only one who can answer that. Is it worth it?

I don’t want to go back there (to the life I was leading when I was OD’ing daily and not eating, to living the edge, playing both sides of life and death).

So you’ve answered and chosen.

I still want to (burn myself).

I know. It’s confusing to want both so much.

Not confusing. Just is.

What just is?

Everything

Can you break that down?

I don’t want to burn. I need to.

Okay.

It’s not.

It is okay. You need to burn. Why do you need to?

That’s not important.

What do you need more? To burn or to stay in the present?

It’s all a dream anyways (I kinda feel like it’s a bit of a dream, I guess not fully present all the time). To stay in the present. But I’m choosing to use and burn instead.

Oh, Eliza. I love you. Why would you choose that when you’ve just said it’s something you don’t want?

I’m tired. I’m so tired. Of fighting it (what I want – constantly). Of letting it be. Of acknowledging it. Of moving on. I want to just engage with it. I need to just engage with it. Or let it take over. I’m tired. I’m just so tired.

Is it worth it (to give in)?

No. But that’s not really relevant if it’s what I choose to do.

So why are you choosing that?

I don’t know. I just don’t know. I can go to bed. And then I’ll know I’ve failed.

Eliza, not using, not burning, is courageous and brave. You’re not a failure if you don’t harm yourself. Asides Eliza, it’s been nearly 2 years, asides from yesterday (since you’ve used anything in this way, and since you’ve engaged with self harm in a way that’ll scar), do you want to give that up?

I’ve already given it up (by burning yesterday and taking paracetamol to help me go further). So yes.

Eliza, I know you can do it. Just know that whatever you do I love you and am with you, and you always have another choice. Every moment is a new choice.

I know. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like there is any choice.

I hear. I know. Something there isn’t choice (like when you burned before you were aware of what you were doing). You need to then find where the choice lies and act on your choices when you have a choice. Every moment is another moment you get to choose, and chart the path of life. I love you Eliza. And I’m with you always. Always and forever.

47 thoughts on “Dialogue with myself re self harm”

  1. This conversation with your self is one of the most intimate posts I think I’ve read. I think what you say about choice is brilliant, a really good reminder. I really hope this battle is short lived for you today. Some of your comments have been so incredibly apt, we need to keep you going in tip-top condition, but I know it’s easy for others to see your value than it is for the person to see it themselves sometimes 🤗

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    1. Oh, definitely! With others you don’t wear blinders or blinkers.
      I’ve done dialogue journaling pretty often, though more so a while ago than nowadays. It has usually helped me lots.
      Thanks for passing by…
      Happy Thursday!
      Love, light and glitter

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  2. I have very similar internal dialogues going on at the moment. Different usage or self-harm but the same damned thing. It’s exhausting being in constant conflict with yourself and you can never escape your own thoughts or own brain. Hoping you find the strength to make it through all of this.

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  3. I had to look up a few words …..my eldest battles a bad drug addiction. I haven’t words of wisdom or enlightenment except i wish you the best on this journey riddled w/fucked up tests. Much love…

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    1. Thank you Crystal. I appreciate your care and support…. you don’t need words of wisdom. It’s enough – more than enough – that you actually take the time to read and respond.

      Love, light and glitter

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  4. Remarkable, Eliza, you can explore yourself this way. Yes, you are exhausted, and who wouldn’t be after your struggles?

    Still, there’s part of you that still strives for something better. Someone who’s still all about finding the path onward and upward.

    We cherish you, Eliza, every nuance. Including, and perhaps especially, Idealistic, Creative Eliza. Yes, she exists. We all have seen her, haven’t we? Who do you think it is who creates this blog, and who has inspired a fan base far vaster than anything I can imagine? C’mon, Eliza, give your entourage some credit for liking what they see.

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    1. Thank you for seeing it. It’s still there. Even if I’m not tuning into it. I don’t think I inspire anyone, but I appreciate the thought nonetheless. I do believe in you. Kinda what I wrote to someone. Believe in those who believe in you.
      Love, light and glitter.

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  6. This just goes to prove how reasonable you are. It shows your strength. You could have gone and burned, but instead, you sat down and you thought of this. By doing so, you at least delayed the next step. You gave yourself the ability to put more thought into it. You allowed your brain to slow down. Instead of letting the car ram into you, you pulled out your hand and made it stop while you decided if you should open the gate or not.

    What does this dialogue reveal? That you don’t want to burn. Yes, giving in is easier. Not giving in takes a lot of effort. And you have to KEEP holding on. However, once you give in, the railing gets farther away from you. It gets slippery. It gets more difficult to grip onto it.

    Stay golden, Eliza!

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    1. Thanks for your thoughts G (I’m not responding to all you said coz’ can’t, and coz’ I wish I could still say the same things, but appreciate you taking the time to write it all out…)

      Love, light and glitter…

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  7. That is a really poignant post, Eliza and I am sure it will help other people having similar conversations with themselves. Congratulations on a 2 year anniversary. This time of year can be very stressful with all the pressure to be ‘happy’. My friend made me laugh when she pointed out that Santa’s reindeer must be all female as the males lose their antlers in the winter. Who knew that Santa was #MeToo? 🎅

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    1. Thanks for reminding her of her ANNIVERSARY. It’s been two years of overcoming. It’s an addiction and anyone who has one knows that it’s always a battle to be or not to be, every second of thought so to have stayed away for two years is colossal and praiseworthy.

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      1. Thank you for the reminder. It’s no longer 2 years. But yeah, it was 2 years give or take.
        Thanks for passing by and taking the time to read and reply.
        Love, light and glitter

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    2. Thanks Kerry! It’s no longer 2 years, not actually 2 year anniversary, I’m not sure when I stopped, but it was a little more than 2 years, and then slipped up once since – well, asides for now. Which I’ll want to stop messing up some time. But yeah, I guess it was around 2 years, which, I guess is a good thing.
      I love all the glitter around. It makes me smile. Almost bought some clips that can’t be worn but look so gorgeous coz’ of the glitter. I wished I could buy one for my nieces but they were way too big for them to really wear…. why’m I rambling?
      Love, light and glitter.

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      1. The exact time doesn’t matter. Eliza. It is your strength and commitment that is really special. You are covered in invisible glitter! If I can wear black pleather leggings at my age, you can wear whatever glitter pleases you!

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    1. Thanks for the reminder…. It wasn’t about that, but it’s actually a really good point that I didn’t think of, and, I guess will be something good to think about. Regardless of what I do or don’t do, I can still tune into the reality of the world, maybe, perhaps. And if not now one day I can.
      Love, light and glitter

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    1. I’m not, can’t be, proud of myself. I’ve messed up and am messing up and don’t want to stop or deal with it. I do appreciate if others are. though there isn’t anything to be proud of. I hope you are having a great weekend.
      Love, light and glitter

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  10. Eliza I’m proud of you for writing this. For taking the tangle that is your mind and trying to find order and trying to make your thoughts coherent. You did it. You faced the grim things that are up there and put them on paper and now, aren’t they a little easier to face now? I can’t speak for you, but I hope they are.
    Our brains are sick but that’s ok, ok?
    We all slip up. But the farther you go and the harder you fight, the more strength you will have. I know you’re strong. I’ve seen it for so long.
    I’ll be praying for you, Eliza
    You are so beautiful and I never want to see you hurt, inside or out. Even if you don’t feel beautiful or worthy, you are in the eyes of so many people. I’ve seen it, Eliza ❤️
    power to the local dreamer ||-//

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  11. Hugs. Can you ask yourself if you have any hidden triggers from this time of year, or something that happened recently that shared subconscious triggers or something? I have a chronic illness and I find I will subconsciously not take of it – and end up thus hurting myself physically – either because I’m dissociated and missing it, or because subconsciously I’m using that to bring me out of it. You said you wanted to feel more present, and that’s why you were holding out. But, maybe on some level you’ve used it for the opposite reason before and you have a mind/body split going on? Hugs. Thinking of you.

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    1. Thank you Lavender. I can’t think of anything at the moment, although maybe later on I’ll be able to. I feel like it’s just been a slow spiral downwards, to the point that I appreciate the scars (I don’t 😦 because I’m going away soon and was looking forward to going swimming, and I won’t be able to if they’re this obvious. If it were just strangers I wouldn’t mind, but I’ll be with my sisters who’ll want to know what the marks are. So maybe it’s not even an issue to do anything more if I anyways won’t be swimming…._. It’s different reasons to the past, and actually that’s a good thought, that maybe I’ve messed up for the not being present. In a sense I’m much more okay. Not fighting as much – or just not fighting, not holding on, and it’s just so much easier. For good and for bad.
      Thanks for the hugs. Not sure why I’ve been rambling…. but thanks for listening.
      I hope this time of year is okay for you (for me it’s not really a triggering time as I’m jewish and don’t celebrate these holidays).
      Love, light and glitter….

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  12. What a courageous post! Thank you for sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings. You are an amazing writer, thinker and you are so worthy. No one is perfect, there is no such thing! Please go gently with yourself. Thank again for this post, I think your words will help many.

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    1. Thank you Michelle. I’d love for them to help others, though I think in reality the only person it helps is me.
      Happy Monday!
      Love, light and glitter

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  13. I could relate to this a lot. I used to burn myself. Then I stopped for a long time, but when I went back to therapy and started working on the “big stuff,” I started again. It was just my most effective coping mechanism. In recent years, I have learned a lot of other coping strategies. Yet I still sometimes feel the urge to burn myself. The intensity and speed of the relief is much greater than any “saner” coping strategies. Plus it’s just old and familiar. I did backslide a little last winter, but not for very long. I think it’s not ideal to go backwards, but it can happen sometimes, and it doesn’t negate all our tremendous work we’ve invested in becoming healthier and being present in our lives. It’s not messing up, not really. It’s just being human and struggling sometimes. You are doing great with your internal dialogue; there’s so much self-awareness, self-compassion, and commitment to being present. Keep being kind to yourself. I’m rooting for you, along with all these others who have commented here.

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    1. Thank you Q. I really appreciate your reply, especially now (just feeling alone). I’m happy to know you’ve stopped again. Makes me think maybe I will end up stopping again. I don’t want the scars, but, but I need to see what I’ve done on myself… the only really annoying thing is that I’m planning on going away really soon – probably will – to somewhere hot, and now, even if we go somewhere with a hot swimming pool, I’m not going to be bringing my swimming costume with. I’m not that bothered about wearing sleeves, for anyways do because religious. Why’m I rambling? I appreciated your comment and support. Have a super duper fantabulastic day… Love, light and glitter…

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  14. This is so touching, you’re so brave to share this. It puts things into perspective and makes us question whether self harm is the best choice to make 💞

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  15. Oh Eliza. This was heartbreaking. But it’s good that you’re letting it out. Talking with yourself is one of the most important things you can do! Make amends with yourself…. I’ll pray for you and I hope everything works out well with you 💚

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