I wrote this out last night (including these bracketed annotations that explain all that I mean), and it got deleted (thanks wordpress), so I’m writing it out again. I wrote to myself which didn’t help at all, so decided to try this.
Eliza, what is going on?
I want to burn myself
So why aren’t you?
Coz’ I’ll take cocodamol so that I can go far enough. It doesn’t count as burning if I don’t blister
So why don’t you (take cocodamol)?
Do I want to use cocodamol?
You tell me.
I don’t know. Both (yes and no).
Why do you (want to use cocodamol and burn)?
I’m tired of holding on. It’s endless, so whatever, so I’ll use and go back there (to where I want 2 years ago) and I won’t stop (using).
Why don’t you want to (use cocodamol and burn)?
I don’t want to go back there.
I like being present
Which do you rather (using/self harm or being present)?
So you know what you want.
I still want to burn myself.
I know. And you’re choosing being present over that.
Is it worth it (to choose being present and not to burn)?
You’re the only one who can answer that. Is it worth it?
I don’t want to go back there (to the life I was leading when I was OD’ing daily and not eating, to living the edge, playing both sides of life and death).
So you’ve answered and chosen.
I still want to (burn myself).
I know. It’s confusing to want both so much.
Not confusing. Just is.
What just is?
Can you break that down?
I don’t want to burn. I need to.
It is okay. You need to burn. Why do you need to?
That’s not important.
What do you need more? To burn or to stay in the present?
It’s all a dream anyways (I kinda feel like it’s a bit of a dream, I guess not fully present all the time). To stay in the present. But I’m choosing to use and burn instead.
Oh, Eliza. I love you. Why would you choose that when you’ve just said it’s something you don’t want?
I’m tired. I’m so tired. Of fighting it (what I want – constantly). Of letting it be. Of acknowledging it. Of moving on. I want to just engage with it. I need to just engage with it. Or let it take over. I’m tired. I’m just so tired.
Is it worth it (to give in)?
No. But that’s not really relevant if it’s what I choose to do.
So why are you choosing that?
I don’t know. I just don’t know. I can go to bed. And then I’ll know I’ve failed.
Eliza, not using, not burning, is courageous and brave. You’re not a failure if you don’t harm yourself. Asides Eliza, it’s been nearly 2 years, asides from yesterday (since you’ve used anything in this way, and since you’ve engaged with self harm in a way that’ll scar), do you want to give that up?
I’ve already given it up (by burning yesterday and taking paracetamol to help me go further). So yes.
Eliza, I know you can do it. Just know that whatever you do I love you and am with you, and you always have another choice. Every moment is a new choice.
I know. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like there is any choice.
I hear. I know. Something there isn’t choice (like when you burned before you were aware of what you were doing). You need to then find where the choice lies and act on your choices when you have a choice. Every moment is another moment you get to choose, and chart the path of life. I love you Eliza. And I’m with you always. Always and forever.