Trigger warning. Please do not read this if it could trigger or disrupt you in any way.

I was thinking. About how much I think about using cocodamol. Just a few. Just to see if it helps. I liked bgddyjim’s post. It got me thinking. How using, which I think of so often, even just to see, will ultimately end in suicide. Well, I’ve always known that.

I realised that thinking of using is an instinctive thought. And it makes sense it is so instinctive because it is something that has helped me in the past and would help me in the present. I know if I start it’ll end up with suicide because eventually I’ll go back to the plan I had (which involved using), which however much is/was designed to fail, it was designed with different things in mind and I don’t see why it wouldn’t work. The thoughts of self harming (which are pretty much as constant as using – it goes, I wonder what would happen if I use or self harm) are more real, especially because, well, no because. It’s just that I do more. I’ve not done anything that would scar and I hope I don’t – I really don’t want more scars. I guess self harming doesn’t take me down the same tracks (to suicide) as using does. And I don’t count anything I do to myself as anything related to self harm. (I guess yay me for finally acknowledging that what I do probably comes under the category of self harm – even if and though I dont think that’s really why I’m doing it.) I guess it’s a bit like my issues with food. It’s not okay and will have to change one day but I’m leaving it on the backburner and not making it into a bigger deal than it is, and when I can deal with it I will.

My goal for the new year is to by the end of the next year have thrown away all that I have collected. Thinking about it, I haven’t bought any more in a long while. Thinking of using can be really real. I can and do visualise myself taking some. Opening a box and taking a few. I can feel, smell and sorta taste it. More often than I’d like. But in reality it isn’t what I want.

More than I want to use, I want to be okay.  More than I want to cut off from it – my world, life, everything – I want to be present and learn to live with all that I don’t know. So, it’s the realisation. That I’ve been thinking of using lots, and it’s quote on quote normal. It makes sense that I’ll think of doing something that helped me in the past and would help me. It doesn’t mean I’ll act on it. It doesn’t mean I have to act on it. It doesn’t have to define me.

And I get to choose. I have a choice. I choose, for this moment in time, I choose life. I choose, for this moment in time, to see all the possibilities, all that could be. I choose, for this moment in time, to believe in hope, in change, in growth, in a future. I choose, for this moment in time, to believe that I’m worthy of that future and that even if I don’t deserve it, I can get to live with it anyways. I choose life. For this moment I choose life.

21 thoughts on “TW: Thinking about the thoughts of using.

  1. Those thoughts about using, they will eventually slow down to a mere trickle throughout a year. That aspect will get a lot better over time. Keep it up, Eliza!

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Please continue to think about life and its endless, wonderful possibilities. Also, follow the advice of Jim (above) who knows what he’s talking about.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You have made a positive choice amongst a lot of negative thoughts and feelings, which is a massive deal. That takes courage and strength beyond which you probably even realise. The easy way out isn’t an easy choice and I’m glad you’ve seen it that way. I had a battle with alcohol about 13 years ago and it’s always tempting to try and mask my pain with booze but then I remember it doesn’t mask it any more effectively than anything else and made me more physically ill. Proud of you ❀️

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Thank you for being here too. I need people like you to keep me going in these difficult times. I feel so lucky to have some great people as friends on here. I would definitely be a lot more lost otherwise.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I was somewhat surprised by your ending. I thought this was going to be much darker of a post. I’m glad to hear that you choose life. That’s the thing – remember that you ALWAYS have a choice. Even when it seems like you don’t.

    Thinking about something is different than acting upon it. They say that rape fantasy is a rather popular one. However, who would really want to be raped? Sometimes, when I drive, I wonder what would happen if I swerved. I visualize it. But I would never actually want it to happen. Just because we think of something does not mean that it’s something we want.

    Stay golden!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. True. Although I do want this there are definitely things I fantasise about that I 100% do not want.

      When I write I try channel it to the positive. I’d think long and hard before posting it if it were otherwise. We do have a choice. Sometimes it’s hard to see the choice but logically I know it is there.

      Thanks for being here.

      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I believe you know what’s best for you. I also think the urges will ease up over time. I don’t drink or use drugs, but my habit was cutting. Some days are always a bigger struggle, even as the urges have subsided a great deal. Kudos on choosing life, in building that *space* for you to even have that choice rather than turning to long ingrained behaviour ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for sharing. And being here. For the most part cutting no longer tempts me. Which I’m grateful for. When I’m in a good space I don’t think of it all that often.

      I hope today brings good things your way…

      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Eliza – I think you should make it this year’s end-of-year resolution and that way you go into a new decade without having it around and drawing you like a magnet to it, even if only in your mind.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Life is full of ups and downs, sometimes with more downs than ups. But the light will always be there, if you only care to see. I’m glad, for you, that at the end, you choose life despite all its difficulties. Addictions and habits ease with time – I was a smoker once. It helps if when those dark thoughts enter your mind, if you make the effort to think of something else, and do something else to occupy your mind. For me, I found that reading – fantasy and something completely unrealistic – helps immensely. Funny things help too, and they ease the dark from the heart. Stay strong, and you know if you need an ear or two, you can dump it on me – jina.salameh1@gmail.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I began reading your comment yesterday but waited until I had time to reply. Now what you write is way more applicable. And kinda hopeful. Thank you…

      Liked by 1 person

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