I don’t really know what I want this post to be about. Or what it will be about. Hence the title.

My world is a pretty weird place at the moment. And there is a knock on the door. But I’m not sure who is there. I’ll go see if it’s someone I’m happy to answer to.

Okay, random ramblings. I don’t even know where to start. This is completely for me. Because I haven’t been journaling at all recently. Journaling is good for me. It helps me put down what I’m thinking. Sometimes when I reread what I’ve written in the past I’m surprised at the insight I had. The knowledge I wasn’t aware I possessed. Which I see in the words. Journaling helps me to make sense of what is going on in my head. It categorises it, and puts it into words. Which is also why often I can’t journal. For there is too much there to be able to start. And I’m someone who goes with the flow. I write. Or I don’t write. I am. Or I’m not.

I don’t know what I think. What I want.

I was realising something over the weekend. That I don’t want to be here in 5 years time. I can’t envision myself living for yet another 5 years. Not in a ‘I want to die’ kind of way. Just that, another 5 years? Of life? What for? Why on earth would I do that? It made me realise that there is lots that needs to change. There needs to be meaning and purpose. I don’t mind living for today. I’m happy to live for today. Well, most the time I’m happy to live for today. For the day. And it’s about both. About both being okay with the present and with the future. I can’t envision a future. A future I haven’t yet created. And it needs to change. And I need to accept that the way I work is the way I work, and it’s a process, and, it will change. It really and truly will change.

Change. I’m seeing a lot how things have changed recently. I mean that recently I’m seeing it. One of the areas this is most pronounced is with touch. One of my friends used to touch me in order to get the kick of seeing me tense involuntarily. I want touch. I like touch. If I’m freaking out I probably won’t want anyone to touch me. Yet, I’m touching my friends a lot nowadays. They’re touching me too. In a normal, healthy, way. One of my friends said to me recently something about knowing I don’t like her touching me, and I thought, huh? I don’t mind touching you, I’d love to. I’m seeing change in the thought of relationships with people. I don’t know if I’d want to get married or not, but I want the connection of a relationship with someone. I don’t want the intimacy, yet I can imagine that I’d be ready for that part of a relationship for the others sake. It doesn’t draw me or have any sort of pull to me at all. I wonder if that would change if I’m in such a relationship. Or not. I actually really want a relationship with someone else. The connection. It doesn’t need to be intense. Scrap that. I need a relationship that is intense in the love, the care, and the reality, but that is really grounded, down to earth, present and fun. I don’t know if I care if it’s with a male or female. Although if I believe judaism to be true, I’d first date a male. I don’t really care for marriage either, though again, if I believe judaism to be true I’d presumably eventually marry.

Change. I saw it today. It was a random realisation when I arranged to have a sorta friend teach me hebrew. I was realising that eventually we’ll become friends. This is a person who I’ve a very light, fun relationship with. There’s nothing intense and I can’t imagine that she is someone I’ll ever share the intensity of my life with. Yet I can imagine being friends with her. (having another friend who is around 40). It’s a fun, easy, relaxed relationship. I taught her ‘hello, hello, hello, sir’. She was singing the hebrew playground songs she grew up with to me. It was strange because just the other day I was discussing relationships with someone and saying that the goal is not to define yourself by your intensity but to be able to have relationships that aren’t based on that. And I was saying that I can’t yet do that. All my friends are intense. All my friends have struggled – even if and though I’ve not necessarily discussed it ever with them. I was saying how the goal is to be able to have all relationships. Both the intense – as long as they’re healthy and balanced, and the non-intense and fun. It was actually surprising for me to then see today that I actually do.

I didn’t plan on rambling this stuff πŸ™‚ I thought my post would be negative. I’m not in a negative space. I was just thinking it’s negative because I don’t know how to name this head-space, or define what it is. Because it’s just, different. And I haven’t journaled in so long…… really I should probably end this post here and start another one so that it isn’t too long…

So long as there’s life, there’s hope. (that’s for you L!)

Love, light and glitter

20 thoughts on “Random ramblings 89. Part 1

  1. Sounds like instead of being negative, this headspace is just very busy for you. Productive, even! It’s great that you got some thoughts down. With all of those changes you’re working on, it doesn’t sound like you’ll be living the same life five years (or even two years) from now! You’re really making steps towards all of these fulfilling relationships and that’s so positive. Keep it up! x

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I love your honesty, my friend, to write about as you feel, thereby open yourself. What really matters is to find ourselves – the unique Self in us as the great wise and holy men said: “Man know thyself” – however, our mind is searching here and there, like a fish in the water to search the water… That is why we often do not know what we really want, what our purpose in life is -and this we really have to find out. With a deep yearning for the One, it is possible to give our life a direction, a goal to embrace the Creator and in doing so we are able to hug His whole creation and creatures – friendships and marriages are there to balance “give and take”, however, true love is not just loving one person or a few persons (partner, friend, family …), it is to understand that we all are One in the One, sitting in the same boat, are brothers and sisters in Him – the temple of love is innate in each of us, God has His residence in each of us – then we can love everyone as a drop of the Ocean, as our brothers and sister – we may not love the different acting minds, but God in all of us… As it is said: “God loves the sinner, but not his sins…”

    A big hug to you, my dear Eliza, from heart to heart
    Didi

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Di, I love how you word your thoughts…. I’m waiting to find my truth, more like, to know, really and truly know, what my truth is. Where my meaning in the world is. For however much I understand the source of the world and where we fit in, there’s still more. I know, I think, that it’ll happen one day, and am looking forward to that.

      Sending hugs back and sunshine and sparkles

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thanks, my dear Eliza πŸ™‚
        It is indeed very seldom that people find their purpose of life. Most of them are busy in fullfilling their wishes, mostly to be after material things, but to discover ourselves is not so easy – in the end all is the One source, the eternal sun, in which we are the sunbeams. Once the sunbeam has reached its Home, its Source again, it awakes in the Source as the Source… we are trying to find the truth outside without knowing that it is already in us – so the treasure lies, the secrete who we are, what we are, where we have to go, where we come from and the purpose of our life – all this we can find in us. First we have to become aware if our own mind and why we are “separated”, what separates us from the Source, but in reality nothing is separated, as you are not separated from me – we are all One and the Same, a combination of all souls beyond time and space – we are already the Source, the One, the Ocean of love and light… but our mind and ego separates us into fragments and duality…
        With much love for you
        Didi

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I get a picture of you unfurling like a plant that’s warming up. I think there are different types of friendships, not every friendship needs to be intense for it to be enjoyable.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Don’t apologise for pouring out your heart and soul. It’s your blog, your life, your words and your thoughts. Hope this was really useful for you and thanks for sharing yourself with us.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Friendships and close relationships can be very helpful and healthy, touching or not: they don’t need to be physical. As long as you connect with someone at some level, it will be fun. The rest will follow naturally. Don’t try too hard or force anything, just roll with it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. πŸ™‚ It’s fun to roll with it and see all the awesomeness of what can be….

      Thank you for being here!

      Love, light and glitter

      Like

  6. I agree that writing our your thoughts has a great way of helping you understand what is going on. However, like you, I sometimes find the need to be in the moment and not switch my focus towards writing/journaling as you call it.
    One day at a time… you will find your purpose and you will LIVE.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Good that you started to write Eliza and it was not negative in the end – so journalling gets any bad thoughts you had in your mind and puts them in another light – it ended up a positive post. It’s hard to imagine five years down the road, even one year down the road sometimes. The world moves too fast for me most of the time. I would like to get off and slow it down, but that’s not doable. Thanks for including “so long as there’s life, there’s hope” for little ol’ me. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I am in a similar place, Eliza. There is something about this time of year that makes me anxious. That said, life is a process and it does change. I think it is a wonderful idea to learn Hebrew – challenges make us more interested in life. K x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I forgot I said I was going to learn πŸ™‚ I hope to do so, it’ll be fun, I want to learn, and it’s something to do.

      I hope this time of year passes and it’s better for you this year than prior.

      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

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