I’m putting a trigger warning here, because the first part of this would trigger me. I read Mia’s post I don’t know you anymore and was journaling a lot, this was the last thing I wrote. Partly rambling in this way because I was thinking of some letters to addiction/ED that I’ve read. Although yesterday I didn’t and was really proud of myself for it, today I did.

You think you’re my friend.

I’m adding this in as it seems to be necessary. The you is referring to myself. And yes, you do think you’re my friend. Everything we do or say to ourselves is because that’s what we believe we need and is our way of being kind to ourselves (often misguided). I hope this makes it clearer…

You think you’re my friend. You tell me to throw up. You tell me to continue purging. You tell me I’m ugly. You tell me I’m fat. You tell me I’m worthless. You tell me I’m guilty. You tell me I’m like dirt. You tell me I’m disgusting. You tell me I have to erase myself. You tell me I need to destroy myself. You tell me. You tell me. You tell me. You think you’re my friend?

You tell me I’m a liar. You tell me I’m fake. You tell me I’m a fraud. You tell me everyone hates me. You tell me no one can care. You tell me no one does care. You tell me I’m alone. You tell me I’m better off unknown. You tell me you’re here for me. You tell me. You tell me. You tell me. You tell me. You think you’re my friend. I think you’re my friend.

You tell me to use (OD – nothing can happen for nothing ever has, just see what will happen if you have just a few). You tell me I’ll fail. You tell me there is no point in trying. You tell me life is worthless. You tell me there is no meaning. You tell me all is cruelty. You tell me there’s no purpose. You tell me. You tell me. You tell me. You think you’re my friend. I think you’re my friend. You think you are protecting me.

You think you’re my friend. You tell me. You tell me to get rid of myself. You tell me I can’t create. You tell me I’m despicable. You tell me people can’t like me. You tell me I’ll never get there. You tell me there is no ‘there’. You tell me it’s all destruction (the world). You tell me there is no rhyme or reason. You tell me I’m hurting others. You tell me I’m guilty of causing pain. You tell me my existence causes pain. You tell me I’m a threat. You tell me I’m selfish. You tell me. You tell me. You tell me I’m needy. You tell me. You tell me. You tell me. You think you’re my friend. I think you’re my friend. You think you’re trying to protect me. I think you’re trying to protect me.

You think you’re my friend. You tell me. You tell me I’m empty. You tell me there’s nothing within. You tell me not to get to know myself. You tell me it’s dangerous. Dangerous for me to see who I am. You tell me there’s blank. You tell me. You tell me it’s pointless. You tell me all is bad. The good doesn’t mean a thing. You tell me I don’t really exist. You tell me it’s a dream. A dream and non reality. You tell me I’ll never see, I’ll never really be present. You tell me it’s not safe. You tell me it’ll never be safe. You tell me I’ll never find the security. Or safety. Within. You tell me. You tell me. You tell me. You think you’re my friend. I think you’re my friend. You think you’re protecting me. I think you are protecting me.

You think you are my friend.

You tell me. You tell me. You tell me.

You think you’re my friend. Yet you make it so much harder. Harder than it needs to me.

You think you’re my friend. You think you’re protecting me.

If you want to be my friend, if you want to protect me, tell me. Tell me I’m worth it. Tell me it’s possible. Tell me it is worth it. Tell me I’ll get there, and I’ll love the ‘there’ that we find together. Tell me it will be fun. Tell me I’m brave. Tell me people can care. Tell me to trust. Myself. Others. The world. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.

Tell me. If you want to be my friend. Tell me. Tell me it’s beautiful. Tell me it’s worth it. Tell me to let go. Of those who think I’m guilty. Tell me I’m not responsible. For those who get hurt by me. Tell me it’s not my issue. Tell me I’m allowed to choose. Tell me it’s my right, my right of birth. Tell me it’s my life. My life to live. Tell me my choices are mine to own. Tell me I can chart my own path. Tell me this path will not destroy others and if it does, I can still choose my own direction for their destruction is their choice and not mine. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.

If you want to be my friend. If you want to protect me. Tell me. Tell me you’ll stay with me. Tell me we’ll have fun. Tell me I’ll meet awesome people along the way.Tell me the most awesome person I can meet is myself. Tell me I have a world. Tell me I’ve the right to exist. Tell me I’m allowed to be. Tell me it’s okay if I’m here. Tell me I’m a force. A force of light. Tell me I can be. I can be whoever I want to be. Tell me. Tell me. Tell.

If you want to be my friend. If you want to protect me. Tell me. Come join me. As we walk this journey of life. As we go up and down mountains. As we stumble and fall. As we get back up again. If you want to be my friend, come join me. Let’s watch the sunsets, live through the nights, see the sunrise, enjoy the beauty of the sunshine. Let’s go boating, race through the grass, roll down hills, scream, cry and laugh. If you want to be my friend, if you want to protect me, come stay with me, and let’s see, let’s discover, what is waiting, waiting on the other side.

Love, light and glitter

Eliza

30 thoughts on “You tell me. You tell me.

    1. Been thinking of you. Whenever I type in your name on my phone I couldn’t get to your blog…. For some reason your comments don’t link on my phone to your blog (on my laptop it does).

      How are you J?

      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

        1. It makes me sad that you think that. You’ll just have to trust me when I say I enjoy and appreciate your company. You were my first cheerleader on this blog! No way I can forget that….

          I’m doing okay at the moment. Working which I can’t be bothered for and okay.

          How are you? Any plans for the week?

          Love, light and glitter

          Like

  1. “tell me something beautiful … lovelier than usual.” ~ice cold by half•alive.
    you have the gift of bringing songs and melodies to mind with your words.
    I want to tell you you’re beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. you’re strong, brave, courageous. you will have an incredible life. you will meet incredible people and every single second of it will be worth it.
    “relentless and unmovable … tell me something beautiful.”
    “there’s beauty in focus …. dwelling in the depths of you … a desperate longing to break through.”
    power to the local dreamer ||-//

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks! That’s exactly what I meant. Also I was just, more just trying to put it down. Though seems like a lot of people didn’t understand what I was on about 😦 Oh well

      Love, light and glitter

      Like

  2. Oh Eliza, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. Our inner voices can be good or very, very bad. Sometimes you need a professional to help you discover which voice should be listened to. Medication can help too. I know you are beautiful, inside and out. K x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I wish I knew how to reply to this…. thank you K. I’m touched. I do know which voice to listen to. Though there is way too much going on and I do need help sorting it out, and have to figure out whst the best is to do.

      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I truly empathize, Eliza. It took me many years to get the right kind of help. Sometimes I still feel bad but have all the tools to help me feel better. Sometimes we just have to stop and be kind to ourselves, K x

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Powerful and so encouraging as you go through the negative talk to win oneself over to face it all… I like the message!!… Keep fighting and overcoming… as you have been doing… so proud of you!!…

    Liked by 1 person

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