Rambling says it all. This is way too long…..
Today was a really good day. There wasn’t anything specific. I just feel okay. Felt okay the entire day. Slightly dizzy at times, but that’s par for the course. And I ate enough. Well, sort of enough. Hang on, I’ll check how much. Wow, I really did eat enough today. And it was mostly healthy food. Which feels both good and I feel guilty for it. The last week most days I didn’t have enough, and was battling purging the entire time. Today was just, okay.
I’m wondering if some of that is because Rosh Hashonah is over. It doesn’t really make a difference why, but it seems to make sense to be that. It was looming over me and I was dreading it. I wasn’t really dreading it. I don’t really know what was going on, I just needed it to be over. And it is over. And the days were actually really okay. I spent the time reading and with family. We had guests for a couple of the meals, and it was nice to see them, and spend time with them – most the guests are really nice people! I even kept it! That means I didn’t turn on any lights. Didn’t touch my phone or laptop. Didn’t listen to music or journal. I’m grateful I didn’t need to. One thing I wished for, when I went to listen to the shofar (ram’s horn) blowing, was that this year next time I should be able to make the choice whether to listen or not, and I should know. I should know whether Judaism is truth. Whether it’s my truth. I should know what I believe and choose to listen based on my knowledge. Not, as was now, because it may be the truth, and I’m doing what I should if it were truth.
I spent 2 hours sorting out pictures today. I printed out lots and they all came mixed up. I’ve printed all my pictures from 2017 until a couple of months ago. Now I’ve sorted them all into order except for winter holidays. I have to put those in order. Print some missing pictures. Get some albums… and that will be my Yom Kippur activity – putting them in albums. It’ll be good for me to have something to do.
SG told me to text her when I’m free and she’ll get in touch. I did. And she hasn’t told me when she’s available. I know it’ll be okay whatever happens. Just frustrated.
I’m in a kinda weird space. The world is good. Everything is good. My mind is flying. I don’t know how to slow itdown – can’t be bothered doing anything to slow it down.
I’m so grateful for my room at the moment. For my space. For all my stuff. I’ve decorated it really my style. I’ve cleared up the windowsill just leaving lotsa figurines up there, and it really looks pretty.
Nothing else to say. Or more like, too much to say :). After sukkot I really want to make a plan of action for this year. For my life. I feel like all I’ve been doing is spinning my wheels in the mud and haven’t been sorting my life or my world out at all. That everything is still the same. I know that’s not the truth. I know it even from external things. How much less I think of using. How I’m more present. How it’s safe enough sometimes for me to let myself shake. How I can journal things through. How I haven’t bought cocodamol in a while – at the beginning of the year I was buying it constantly, even if and though I wasn’t using it at all. I’m way less extreme then I was then. So yes, things have changed.
There is still all that I want to change. There being so much to change, doesn’t take away all that has changed. I know there should be no comma – I can’t get the wording to be grammatically correct. My grammar is horrendous at times. When I had this phone appointment with SG2 I’d mentioned my mother, how she doesn’t have an identity of her own, since her identity is just tied into that of her children. Therefore if any of her children do anything that she doesn’t like or their life isn’t what she planned for them she sees it as a reflection of herself. It was a throwaway comment not something we spoke about. She asked me if I have an identity. I answered her honestly. No. That’s something I really want to be different next year. I want to know who I am. I want to know where I am. I want to know what I want from life. I want to be able to want altogether. It’s funny, because so much that is messed up is part of why I think nothing has changed. Yet, even this, which to others may sound crazy (that I really don’t have an identity of my own, my life is way too tied in with others), is a good thing. For I know it. I see it. And if I think back to a year ago when I knew that if I wanted to create an identity for myself the only option would be death for it so wouldn’t happen and all the other reasons…. then I know it’s different. I know it’s a good thing. At some point or another I want to make a plan of action and figure out where I am now and where I want to get to and how to get there. I’m not sure how to do that, but, will see what happens. More about that another time.
I told MDK, a random guy I met, that I want to get involved with the community and help. He gave me an email address and told me to offer to help and see if I can volunteer my services at all. I still haven’t emailed this women. I’m not sure why not.
If anyone has actually read any of this, kudos to you. I don’t think I’d have the patience or be able to focus on such nonsense for so long. And thanks!!!!
Love, light and glitter