I’ve been meaning to write for a while, and I haven’t, for I just don’t know what to say. If there is anything to say at all. And I doubt I’ll be making any sort of coherent sense.
I had a phone appointment with SG2 on Tuesday. She does energy work. I told her that the main thing I want to deal with is Rosh Hashanah – the jewish new year – which I’m really not looking forward to. Constantly when I though of RH (Rosh Hashanah) my thoughts were ‘I don’t want to be here for RH’ and I didn’t know what those words meant. When I spoke to her she told me that it’s because of what was when I was 23 – did anything happen then. I told her nothing was then, but maybe she means when I was 22. For it’d tie in. That RH was a year I didn’t plan on living past. I didn’t want to be there for a new year. So it’d make sense that this was connected for I had no clue what I was thinking or why. Then she did some clearing, and I realised that she was right about when I was 23. I guess it’s what Lavender refers to on her blog as a traumaversary.
2 years ago Rosh Hashanah. It was when I was using – OD’ing daily (it started at a bit and every day I upped the amount. It wasn’t intentional, it was just what happened) and when I wasn’t eating. It ended on RH. For those days I was sick – running to the bathroom the entire time which made me really weak. I was debating whether to use more or not. Eventually I didn’t dissolve any more because I was too weak to. The fear. That I had destroyed myself. The knowledge. That I’d done this. The debate whether I should use more or not – I wasn’t trying to kill myself at the time, I was playing with the edge to listen to both sides, the side that wanted life and the side that wanted death. I really wasn’t trying to kill myself. I actually wasn’t really unwell, just running to the bathroom constantly – like every 10 – 15 minutes – and completely exhausted from it. It felt like I was really ill.
I don’t know why I’d be dreading the day if everything that was on the day 2/3 years ago was incidental. It wasn’t about the day or the meaning of the day. It just happens to be that on that day I wasn’t well and stopped using cocodamol for I didn’t really want to kill myself. I just wanted to use. Stopping using didn’t take away the need for destruction.I still wanted to destroy myself. In some ways I still do. Want to. Which is why I wasn’t eating. I don’t know when I started eating again. I didn’t appreciate all the back handed compliments I got – wow, you look so good, you lost weight. Or the questions – have you done surgery or something. Especially because it wasn’t a choice. I couldn’t eat.
I’m still scared for RH. Though it’s not with the same panic that there was earlier. I don’t really know how I’m going to get through it. I plan on having lotsa books and puzzles around. Usually I’d say food, too. But since I spoke to SG2 on Tuesday I haven’t been eating much. I do want to lose weight, but it’s not about losing weight. I think it’s about going back there. Going back to what was. Though actually, not necessarily, considering that in the past couple of years I’ve never stopped the cycle I do with food (purging, stopping eating, eating healthily, eating too much junk). I wonder how RH will pass. I wonder how RH will end up.
I know I need to get help. I always thought I didn’t need it. And, I think the choices I made were right for the times I made them. They were right for then. Doesn’t mean they’re right for now. I need to build an identity of my own. I need to believe I’m allowed to. I want to work through what I believe about god and judaism and there is way too much emotional intensity attached for me to work through it any longer. What I’ve worked through until now has definitely been helpful. I would love to feel safe. I wouldn’t say I feel unsafe. Which I used to. I don’t know if I do or don’t feel safe either way. I’d love to be able to be honest with myself and tune in more. I’ve been using the daylio app (thanks Amber for the suggestion) although I don’t know if there’s a point. I rate pretty much everything as ‘okay’. Or tired. Very rarely will it be less, but like really rarely. Even if I’m freaking out or have done anything stupid, it’ll still be rated as ‘okay’ because that’s the reality. What am I rambling about? So either way I want to figure out what exactly I want – help wise – and how I’ll go about getting it. I can’t really do anything about it for the next month – a bit more than a month really – until after sukkot, other than think about it I mean. I don’t really know what I do want. I know what I don’t want – traditional talk therapy would be an utter waste of time.
I wrote this to distract myself because I ate. But, I don’t know. I don’t know if it matters. So I’ll TU. Food isn’t something I’ve ever really tried to deal with.
On to something nice, I’m loving my room, the space, the peace, the cuteness, the colours, and that it’s been hoovered so looks clean even if it isn’t. I love seeing the trees outside and hearing the wind blowing.
I don’t know whether I should post this or not bother, it doesn’t say what I thought it would. I thought originally that I’d write about what was then, but I haven’t.
Love, light and lotsa glitter