I haven’t written here in a while. Haven’t wanted to. Or been able to look passed what happened.
People were killed now in Hurricane Dorian. A kid. It somehow seems so tragic when it’s a child.
Life. A mixture of light and darkness.
- Source of the world, why?
Because of a magnitude of reasons too great to fathom
- S, are you light or dark?
Both. Neither and both. Everything. It’s all the same.
- So which are you?
Neither and both. It isn’t good or bad. What you see as bad may not be bad, what you see as good may not be good.
- So what are you?
Everything. You are everything too.
- What is darkness?
Darkness is different. Darkness isn’t the good or the bad. Darkness is the lack of light.
- So S, how do you dispel the darkness?
By shining a light E. By turning on the light.
- Is it possible to always turn on the light?
No. Sometimes you can’t do it. But it can be turned on. (It may need others to teach you how to turn it on or shine the light when you can’t.)
- And the darkness that fills people that drives them to murder?
The lack of light E, the Lack. Of. Light.
- Can I shine the light?
That’s up to you. Are you ready to be the light? When you are, yes, you can.
- S. Why? Why?
Can you answer me why?
- No. For I can’t understand it. How it’s possible for mass destruction caused by you, hurricanes, tornadoes, et al.
What about the sunrises, the mountains?
- They don’t cancel each other out. One doesn’t make the other okay. So, why?
Because it brings good too. The people who come to help. It teaches the value of life. Shows the impermanence of the physical and lets them tap into their unknown strength, which if they didn’t need it, they would never have found it. Never have known just how courageous and strong and beautiful they are.
- Why do they need to know?
For themselves. So they can light within them and shine their torches.
- And the people who give up in despair?
They have the choice. To choose the darkness or the light.
- Why is it fair to give them that choice?
If they’d never have the choice they would never know. If you never let a baby fall it will never learn to walk. People have to be able to choose.
- I don’t know.
You don’t need to know. You don’t need to know today. You, too, have the choice. Every moment of your life And you choose. Either the light or the dark, and you learn from your choices. You learn every moment what works and what doesn’t.
- Why is it fair?
No one said it’s fair E. No one said it is fair. Because ‘fair’ is arbitrary and measured differently by everyone. It’s not about fair. It’s about right.
- And is it? Right?
Both yes and no. Ultimately, yes. Sometimes some things aren’t right, and that is a part of letting people make their own choices. Sometimes there is bad, not just darkness. Is it all ‘right’? In the greater scheme of things, yes, it all adds to the journey that life is.
- And why does there have to be life?
That’s another question entirely E, and not one that can be answered at the moment. For the moment, just know that you are okay. You have all the answers. Bad isn’t right but is what it’s meant to be. Darkness is a lack of light. You can be the light E. You can and will. As will all those around you. You may not always know but sometimes you will. It’s okay to fail, or pause. You can and will always get back up. It’s just this moment. The moment is all you have and all you need. It’s okay to ask. It’s okay to care. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to let it go. You won’t always know or understand. Which you may not find to be okay. You can accept it though once you understand enough. You may not understand how the bad and darkness is okay. Yet. You may not yet understand it. You can accept it and continue to work through it.
Working through what you believe is scary for what if you hurt people you care about in the process? And, you will deal with that then. You may hurt them if you believe Judaism isn’t true, but that isn’t now, for you haven’t been interested in working through it because you’ve been freaking out about the darkness and sadness that allows suicide. You’ve gotten caught up in the darkness, instead of looking at it, which you are doing now instead. I promise E, the darkness is just a lack of light. People choose things, they make mistakes, and it has no bearing on you or your life unless you let it – which is your choice.
Keep choosing. Keep learning. And one day you will understand more than you do today. One day you will be okay with life existing. Because, when you love life enough, you may always think the world would have been better without the existence of life, but you won’t feel it’s unfair. You won’t resent it. Which will make the question nonexistent.
It’s just about now E. Just right now.