I often say things, say I think xyz, and, I wonder if it’s true or not. Say last night I was writing that I want to trigger myself into using.I was wondering afterwards if I did want to, or if I was just writing that I did. If it was true or not. Because, I just don’t connect to it. It’s just not real.

I could say now anything. I want to fly to the moon. I want to hold my niece. I want to spiral. I want to go on a date. I want to go shopping. I don’t connect to any of the statements. They’re not really there. Though the ‘hold my niece’ rings true somewhere, I’m not sure where though. I’m often unsure when I say something, if it’s reality, or if I’m just saying it, to say it, for whatever reason there might possibly be to say it.

It’s funny. When AH was my therapist he used to talk about reality or lack thereof. And I never knew what he was on about. Like when he told me he thought I should really be seeing someone in real life rather than skyping him, because real life would be grounding as there is so little there as it is. Or when he told me he was touched I wanted to fly to see him, he saw it as moving how I wanted that reality. (and that’s when we ended/wrecked therapy between us).

I used to wonder if I was real or not. Thankfully those days are long gone. I’m way more present than I was. And I think I really am present with the world. And myself. More than I used to be. I don’t know if I’ve ever been more present than this. I don’t know if I’ve ever stopped wondering what or what I say is real or not. Although I used to wonder if what I was doing was real too, like if I really wanted to do it, or if I’d just thought I wanted to and thereby acted on it (although honestly that was nonsense, because there was no ‘thought’ before. There was just the act on it. The using. The self harm. With no pause or choice beforehand).

Image result for what is reality

I don’t know what of what I say is real or what I’m just saying. And, I really, really really really, don’t like it.

When I speak to SG2 – she does energy healing/dowsing and whatever stuff that you either do or don’t believe her – I often ask her if it is or isn’t real. If I’m ever shaking when on the phone to her I ask her if I’m creating it or not. If I’m just deciding to shake or if that’s what my body really wants. Because I can just stop it if I want. If I think something, I really easily change. Like once I’ve journaled it through then I just don’t want it and because there was no connection to it to start with, who said it was ever there? I flip really easily between modes. (Thankfully it’s really not like what it used to be. Just flip a switch and be way beyond and then just cut off from it. When I flip between modes now I’m seeing both sides a lot earlier. Like when I freak out and can’t breathe. I can’t breathe but it’s not that bad. And then it can really easily just suddenly be okay.)

I’m guessing this is just a pretty incoherent rant. That’s not going to tell me anything I don’t know or change anything at all. For I still often wonder how I know what’s real for me. And I don’t know. Other than that I’m saying it. Which half the time I don’t connect to and the other half the time changes. Will I ever know what reality is? Yeah, I guess I will. I’ll know it when I connect to myself enough. Which I’m guessing will/can happen one day. Though I’m not sure what it would take to ever get to that place of being in tune enough. I do often enough just ‘know’ things. Which of course I wonder if my knowledge is correct, because I don’t know how I know. I hate now knowing what reality is. I hate that I question myself and my knowledge so much, too. Which, just is.

What is reality

As an aside, my laptop battery charger isn’t charging the battery but keeping it at the same percentage, and when I take it out the battery lessens, and then the charger keeps it at the same percentage when plugged in. I wonder if it’s a battery fault – in which case I need a new battery – a charger fault, or a socket fault. (I just need a way to end what I wrote as I don’t know how to do so, so random info here goes).

Love, light and glitter

11 thoughts on “What is reality?

  1. Reality is an interesting thing… I guess the simplest way to get around it is you have to accept the reality that’s presented to you. Some say we can change it but I’m not sure that’s true or how. I guess if we generally accept our reality we have a base point from which to work from if we want to explore other realities and their possibilities.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. “Sometimes you gotta bleed to know, that you’re alive and have a soul.”
    This line came to mind while reading this. And its true – when you’ve put everything on the line and realize what you’re risking, everything becomes startlingly real.
    I’ve wondered over some of the same things, and they’re tough questions. Thanks for sharing your thoughts ❤
    power to the local dreamer ||-//

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Makes sense to me. I often feel like I’m a liar, because I’m uncertain of the truth. I say a thing because it feels right in the moment, but then it’s a different moment, with different feelings. I like calling it mistruth; though, my sister called it emotional truth when I tried to describe it.

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  4. It sounds like it might be your battery. Or the charger. Or both. Or maybe it’s your computer… The socket should be fine, if the percentage doesn’t decrease while plugged in.

    Your “rant” actually makes quite a bit of sense. Reality is an interesting thing. I don’t think we can know for sure. However, what you seem to be describing is something different. It seems that you are used to certain behaviors, so you evoke them because deep down you feel out of place without them. They are familiar and weirdly enough make you feel at home. You are unsure of this “new reality”. But it’s good that you are getting better at controlling negative things from the past. Keep going and stay golden.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s actually helpful to hear. It definitely makes sense. I’ll think about it.
      And thanks for the feedback about the charger/battery, I’ll look into it.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. As if life and reality are not enough to deal with, we must suffer the issues with computers which we depend on more and more – frustrations with life, compounded by computer problems gives us gray hair sometimes, not to mention stamping our feet and whining about it.

    Liked by 1 person

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