I often say things, say I think xyz, and, I wonder if it’s true or not. Say last night I was writing that I want to trigger myself into using.I was wondering afterwards if I did want to, or if I was just writing that I did. If it was true or not. Because, I just don’t connect to it. It’s just not real.
I could say now anything. I want to fly to the moon. I want to hold my niece. I want to spiral. I want to go on a date. I want to go shopping. I don’t connect to any of the statements. They’re not really there. Though the ‘hold my niece’ rings true somewhere, I’m not sure where though. I’m often unsure when I say something, if it’s reality, or if I’m just saying it, to say it, for whatever reason there might possibly be to say it.
It’s funny. When AH was my therapist he used to talk about reality or lack thereof. And I never knew what he was on about. Like when he told me he thought I should really be seeing someone in real life rather than skyping him, because real life would be grounding as there is so little there as it is. Or when he told me he was touched I wanted to fly to see him, he saw it as moving how I wanted that reality. (and that’s when we ended/wrecked therapy between us).
I used to wonder if I was real or not. Thankfully those days are long gone. I’m way more present than I was. And I think I really am present with the world. And myself. More than I used to be. I don’t know if I’ve ever been more present than this. I don’t know if I’ve ever stopped wondering what or what I say is real or not. Although I used to wonder if what I was doing was real too, like if I really wanted to do it, or if I’d just thought I wanted to and thereby acted on it (although honestly that was nonsense, because there was no ‘thought’ before. There was just the act on it. The using. The self harm. With no pause or choice beforehand).
I don’t know what of what I say is real or what I’m just saying. And, I really, really really really, don’t like it.
When I speak to SG2 – she does energy healing/dowsing and whatever stuff that you either do or don’t believe her – I often ask her if it is or isn’t real. If I’m ever shaking when on the phone to her I ask her if I’m creating it or not. If I’m just deciding to shake or if that’s what my body really wants. Because I can just stop it if I want. If I think something, I really easily change. Like once I’ve journaled it through then I just don’t want it and because there was no connection to it to start with, who said it was ever there? I flip really easily between modes. (Thankfully it’s really not like what it used to be. Just flip a switch and be way beyond and then just cut off from it. When I flip between modes now I’m seeing both sides a lot earlier. Like when I freak out and can’t breathe. I can’t breathe but it’s not that bad. And then it can really easily just suddenly be okay.)
I’m guessing this is just a pretty incoherent rant. That’s not going to tell me anything I don’t know or change anything at all. For I still often wonder how I know what’s real for me. And I don’t know. Other than that I’m saying it. Which half the time I don’t connect to and the other half the time changes. Will I ever know what reality is? Yeah, I guess I will. I’ll know it when I connect to myself enough. Which I’m guessing will/can happen one day. Though I’m not sure what it would take to ever get to that place of being in tune enough. I do often enough just ‘know’ things. Which of course I wonder if my knowledge is correct, because I don’t know how I know. I hate now knowing what reality is. I hate that I question myself and my knowledge so much, too. Which, just is.
As an aside, my laptop battery charger isn’t charging the battery but keeping it at the same percentage, and when I take it out the battery lessens, and then the charger keeps it at the same percentage when plugged in. I wonder if it’s a battery fault – in which case I need a new battery – a charger fault, or a socket fault. (I just need a way to end what I wrote as I don’t know how to do so, so random info here goes).
Love, light and glitter