Tried to sleep but was thinking and shaking so was up. I’m not sure if I should really post this.

I’m stupid. Still shaking after an hour plus. It gets annoying when it goes on and there’s no discernable cause. So I went onto my private diary to write about it for tired of whinging and whining where people can see. And began reading the first few posts I wrote there. The letters I wrote to myself are awesome. Just, I wish I could cry. I’m not there now – it’s when I was OD’ing daily – and just, I dont know. I cant stay on there for it has triggered me. I’m in a good place. I’m tired – it’s late. I want to trigger myself. I dont really.  I want to want to go back there. I want to want to use. I sort of want to use. It was hell and I never want to go through it again and I’m not sure how I survived. Purely on a physical level. I lost a heck of a lot of weight at the time. Constantly got ‘compliments ‘ that you look so good, you lost so much weight. I hadn’t known people thought I didnt look good. Now I knew what they thought.

The playing with the edge. The contradictions. The need for destruction and desire to live life and acting on both and trying not to cross over either line.

The sides are still there. Now I’m beginning to tear. If I let myself, cry. I just don’t talk about it coz its pointless. I don’t engage with it much either. I let it be. I write what I want to do to myself in graphic detail. Never in public of course. If it wasn’t myself writing itd be the most triggering thing possible. I’d never known I could be gruesome. Sometimes I’ll sketch what I want to do to myself. I draw horrendously. It’s cathartic. Makes it real what I want. Real enough that I don’t have to engage with it.

I’m tired. And sad. I’m saying I’m sad but in actuality I’m not sad at all. I don’t actually feel anything. Well, I slightly can’t breathe but that’s been for a couple of hours. I’m shaking which has been for as long. And it’s not negative. It just is.

This is turning into way more of a journal entry than I planned. I want to go back there. I don’t. I want to want to. I don’t know. Yeah, tomorrow is a new day. Just that there is nothing wrong now so I don’t need the tomorrow is a new day.

I was thinking earlier that I wanted to write a post on safety. Well 3 different posts of things I want to write. Part of what I was thinking about when I was trying to sleep and shaking. One of the things was  is, the conversation I had with S. Before putting down the phone she asked me if I felt safe. I replied that I didn’t feel unsafe. And she said she guesses that is as much as shell her from me. I never feel safe. I don’t feel unsafe. And that is actually one of the most amazing things ever. That I’m okay. That I don’t feel unsafe. What was I trying to say? Oh, that I don’t feel unsafe right now. Which is good. Coz I am okay.

Not sure what I am trying to say.

21 thoughts on “Random 273

  1. It does not help much when you speak into existence in the second line,” I am stupid”. Who told you that you were stupid? Your just a little confused that all. You speak it into existence you will become what you speak.

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    1. Thanks for sharing this thought Ron. I appreciate it. You’re right. What I did was extremely stupid for it sent me triggering and spiralling but doesn’t define who I am at all.
      Thanks for passing by and taking the time to respond.
      Love, light and glitter

      Like

  2. I’m sorry I am just reading this now – I apologize for being so behind. I hope you are feeling better and sorry that you felt on the edge, and thinking about the past … I wish you would not think those thoughts of harming yourself. If I were closer I’d put my arm around your shoulder and tell you to banish those feelings, but I’m here so I’ll write it instead. I’m glad you write the thoughts to get it all out and don’t act on them.

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      1. I just looked at what I still had to read in Reader – yikes! I was sitting at the kitchen table at my laptop last night and intended to be there at least another hour or so, when all of a sudden something dark ran across the table and disappeared. If I’ve never mentioned it Eliza, I am scared to death of spiders and centipedes. I logged off, shut the laptop and was on my way to shut off the kitchen light when IT ventured out again – it was (before I smashed it) a carpenter ant. OMG. We had them years ago and I thought to myself “gee, I hope it doesn’t have any brothers or sisters.” Went to bed. I have found another one, on the table again – feel sick. Hope it is the end of it and I’m going to put a trap out tomorrow, but they are not anywhere but up high and I don’t want the trap on the table. In the Spring I had all the little ants which I’ve gotten for about two weeks and they are gone – no, I had them about six weeks in my bedroom. I’m freaked out about it – I hate bugs!

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        1. ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))
          I hate some kinds of bugs so yeah, I get it. I scream if I get shocked my them and have scared my father before by screaming.
          I hope – and pray – your trap catches them all and that they aren’t about anymore………

          Sending bear hugs and love your way…..

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Thank you Eliza and I am glad someone shares my pain and angst about bugs – no bugs today so happy about that, but I am sure they wouldn’t just disappear. I killed three and I’m sure their relatives will seek revenge. Thank you so much for the ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))

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              1. I am going to do that tomorrow when I do my housework. Today I took for myself and did a long post and will do no more posts this weekend, so I can do some work in the house and hopefully catch up in Reader a little. I finally used the baby bird with its mom. I was going to do the “Up, Down, and Around” with all the pictures, but looking through I had tons of pictures and figured I’d have too long a post, so will use it another time some other way.

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                  1. I had thought I’d do one post on the road construction and country roads and the next post would be the “Up, Down, Around” … I had so many pictures I decided it would take me hours and hours to sort everything out, so did this instead, then decided I’d do only one past this weekend and free up some time. I feel like no matter what I’m doing, I’m behind – today I devoted to the house as it rained all day, but now am behind in Comments and Reader as I didn’t get here until after 7:00 p.m.. I need a clone. 🙂

                    Liked by 1 person

                    1. Or you can just not catch up on reader, just comments, and do your current posts and leave the pictures for sorting when you are bored. I know I know.
                      Sending sunshine.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    2. Thank you Ellie – well I did a longish post yesterday afternoon to launch this afternoon around 5:30 … that was because I thought I had all Monday night to catch up on comments and reader, then we had a storm blow through and I shut down and we are having severe weather later today/evening which I’m already worried about. This is odd for us with this weather and it’s been like that for nearly two, almost three years now … just erratic weather. So now I’m behind in comments and Reader and likely won’t catch up tonight either if it is storming as I shut down the computer..

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