I’m sad. I wonder if I have a way to express what I’m thinking. Unless it flows, and the words just work, it doesn’t happen. I don’t do analysing what I write. Either I write. Or I don’t.

I’m sad. Have been since Thursday. Since he killed himself. He killed himself. I didn’t know him. It hurts me so much. That he didn’t see another option. It hits really close to home. He’s from the community I’m as of now still a part of. The community she was in when she killed herself a few months ago. It hurts. I’m sad.

He’ll never have another chance. He chose this. He chose death. He didn’t know that there was a better option. He didn’t know that if he held onto life he may actually be grateful for that choice. One day. Is the years in between, from choosing life, to being grateful for the choice, worth it? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I’m angry with him. For choosing death. When I chose life. I held on. It’s not fair that he shouldn’t have had to do that.

I’m sad. And I’m actually, surprisingly, living with the sadness. I’m living with it. I’m breathing it. I’ve never done that before. Never felt what was going on before. My head hurts with it. My heart hurts with it. I’m spending every night crying or shaking or not sleeping. Shaking in the sense of letting go. Shaking can be because of adrenaline, or it can be the bodies way of letting go. That’s what I’ve been doing. Letting myself experience it. Some of the time. The rest of the time I’m ignoring it. Just living through the day. Enjoying the moments. Being grateful for the days. And then when it comes to the evening when I no longer have time ignore it, feeling it. Living with it. I don’t know what it means like to feel anything. I don’t know how I know what I feel. I don’t know where it is. What it is. I just know that it is. That I’m living it. That I guess I’m proud of myself for doing so.

I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of feeling it. I’m tired of feeling. I know that if I take some cocodamol, or if I self harm, I won’t be sad any longer. If I use I’ll be living in the zone, the zone I’ve forgotten what it feels like, cut off, distant, hazy. If I self harm I’ll be experiencing something different, something other than the constant, seemingly never ending sadness.

It’s not really never ending. The sadness isn’t as intense or as all encompassing as it was. I guess. However never ending it seems and however tired I am of it.

I’m sad. He killed himself. He didn’t see another choice, so chose the only thing he knew was there. And, that’s that I guess. He chose death. And I’m sad. My head is seriously throbbing with it. I relate way too much and there’s way too much of my own life tangled into this, even though I’ve not been able to untangle the threads and see what is about him and what is about me.

Love, light and glitter

Eliza

40 thoughts on “Sadness

  1. Thank you for sharing this. I mean that. It hits home for me too. For I have been there. Like you I too chose the other path. I still think about it. My sickness. Something I would not want another to go through even if I had hate within me for them. Was unbearable. It was where my mind and heart were for what seemed to be an eternity. I am still pulled that direction slightly because I still endure much. Yet it’s not where Or who I want to be. I am reminded of the beautiful things in life in their multitude of forms. Love in it’s multilayered aspect simple yet so complex. Like myself simply complex/ complexingly simple I am glad well more than simply glad you made the choice you did even though you fight with it. You still fight. And that matters. To me at least. Knowing we have that commonality helps me. For I have not talked to another that was on the verge- hanging from the edge by the fingertips. But had the strength to pull myself back. With others like yourself who helped to remind me what there is to stay for. And there is so so so so much. Again thank you from the deepest parts of my being.

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  2. When you’ve expressed it now you must be feeling proud of yourself that you have the courage to bring out your sadness in the form of words.. you’ll figure your way out and that’s a promise😊😊💙

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  3. I’m glad you chose life. I know life is not always fair, that sometimes it may seem too much to go on, but when you hold long enough, you’ll see there’s beauty out there, there’s happiness too. You only need to look to see – the tranquility of a shade beneath the tree, the sunset over in the horizon, the laughter of carefree children. Enjoying a nice meal, or talking to a friend, or maybe even by reading something nice. There’s always beauty somewhere, one just need to learn to see them. There’s darkness too, and sadness and pain, and you look at it, you feel it, and the light and the happy and beautiful things are more prominent because of them, because you see the difference.
    Be strong and hold on and search for the beauty in things. they’re often found in the simplest of things.

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  4. I feel your pain. Grieve as much as you can for in that is your value of life. I know its so hard to know some could not live with the pain and had to find a way out. But maybe their gift to us is to remind us of the value of life even when our hearts and bodies and minds and souls are struggling. Sending lots of positive vibes your way. Its good to feel your feelings. ❤

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  5. I have been through this myself and I will always wonder if there was more I could have done or should have done. I have also been on the other side and almost ended my life but I have a wonderful God and Savior who won’t give up on me even though I do at times. I wish you could know Him amazing love and peace. Take care and hugs from NZ. ❤

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  6. I’m so proud of you for choosing life, and I know you’re strong enough to keep you body beautiful and free from self harm.
    This post reminded me of the TØP song, The Pantaloon.
    I’m still praying for him and for you ❤️
    power to the local dreamer ||-//

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  7. It’s rough for you Eliza and you will be in a funk for a while, dwelling on his demise … get outside and be in nature, get the sun in your face and on your head and try to make your mind a clean canvas to give you some peace okay?

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          1. I don’t get any vacation time Eliza – that’s why I am so protective of my weekends and weekday mornings. I told my boss no weekends when he wanted me to work to get that big project done. I said I’d work evenings to get it done to preserve my weekend, but that was to my detriment as it meant staying late every night for almost three weeks. I worked the weekend I smashed my finger, but that was because I was out of commission on Friday after noon when I caught it in the garage and we had to get the monthly invoices out. Now things have slowed down and he is ready to go on vacation.

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            1. I know you don’t. I’m glad he is going after all… do you get off when he is away?
              Thinking of you and sending prayers and peaceful thoughts and love your way….

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              1. I am glad too – need the break, but no I am off and will monitor voicemail (from home as usual) and the e-mail. Hopefully he doesn’t leave busy work. He usually doesn’t call in much when he is up there though … I really need a break. Our weather is off/on good this weekend. I have two little nature excursions that I want to go to and hope to get it done, then hunker down and begin some posts in earnest … my post this morning was something different and I’m almost done with a post for Wednesday about the squirrel with the furry ears. I wrote the Department of Natural Resources in Michigan to see if they could ID the squirrel and they said (are you ready for this) … he had a bad hair day. Actually I think he interbred with another squirrel as the Fox squirrels are not hairy eared, but I come off looking a little strange like I would notice hairy ears! Whatever, I’ll set the post to launch Friday morning and just have to finish it up – maybe 1/2 hour of work. I likened his hair to my grandfather who had tufts of hair and always wore a cap, so I don’t insult anyone. 🙂

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                1. I’m looking forward to finally seeing the squirrel in a post. Did you name him?
                  I hope the walks are good! Only post if its relaxing 😦 I’m looking forward to seeing them 💕💕

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                  1. I think I’m going to do the squirrel post to launch Friday morning. I have to finalize it tomorrow morning. It seems like by the time I get here at night it is better to do a new post in the morning. I have to get out of that routine as I used to do posts at night or on the weekend. But I was later getting here today – I was caught up on my work and so I went grocery shopping and got back later, but now have got a 35-page handwritten document to type next. I said in the post that I didn’t name him because the first time I saw him, he was apprehensive, but came over to see me and get peanuts, and the second time I saw him he was glaring at me from a tree branch and chattering at me, so I said I was glad I didn’t take the time to name him. Thanks Eliza – I enjoy writing the posts and feel cheated that this Summer had so many stops and starts so that I could not have a more normal Summer, doing the regular things I enjoy. We have hot temps for the weekend and storms so will be walking earlier in the day.

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                    1. Sending lotsa hugs. In a sense you were cheated. You were cheated of what you expected. Good luck with that document. 35 pages is long and sounds really boring…..

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                    2. I do feel cheated Ellie – I’m hoping no emergencies come up at work and maybe he’ll stay there a day or two more – it is a 7-hour drive each way so kind of a long way to drive and come home a few days later. We have a stormy weekend on the horizon and then through Tuesday, same thing … as to the weekend, I guess I’m okay with it as I had two or three weekends in a row to “play” and get out so will stick close to home, my regular park, and sort out some pictures and do a few posts … I am going to do a post that shows the art work from this young guy around the corner. It’s been three weeks since I took the pictures already! He’s had time to set up his own WordPress site.

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                    3. Well, this morning I slept in – in fact I was lazy today as I figured I worked hard last Sunday in the house. So, you see a logical person would seek out things that did not get done last Sunday (there were a few) and do them since it was hot and sticky and storms threatened, but I heard the storms and torrential rain at 4:00 a.m., got up, and shut off the alarm and promptly went back to sleep until I woke up at 8:30 a.m. – it did feel good. I don’t usually do that but I figured it was not projected to be nice until mid-morning anyway. Went out and it was really hot and humid as I don’t usually walk that late in the morning if I can help it. Just went to my regular park. It is supposed to storm again – was supposed to storm this afternoon and didn’t, now it will be overnite and possibly severe weather on Sunday – hope that it fizzles. No nice weather now until Wednesday late in the day. I truly think I am glad to say goodbye to Summer and please remind me that I said that when I complain about the ice and snow in Winter. I did do a longish post about “Flower Power” and used all my wildflower pictures I took from two weeks ago. I have taken so many pictures in the last 4-6 weeks, I have posts for the next month at least without running out. If I had not had so many fits-and-starts in June and July and even into August, I’d have never gotten this far behind. It’s the first time that has ever happened – I usually have posted the same day. This post I did today I’ll get lost of mileage out of that walk – you said to do shorter posts … so I did the post when I wrote about the C02 alarm and featured the cute fawn, then today’s wildflowers and I still have a lot of pictures left to do a third post.
                      Here in the States the expression would be “getting more bang for your buck” … hope your weekend is going well too and you are relaxing a little on vacation.

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                    4. Relaxing lots! I hope that the storms are out when you’re awake and you relax too. I’ll direct you here to your comments if I remember…

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  8. Sorry, for your loss :(. I dont have advice for you. Neither can I. I just hope that in the time between this post and this comment, that you found happiness. Or, if that does not work, then that you found more strength, coming to you daily.

    Take care! ❤

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