Dear god.

Who are you ? What are you? I thought I was beginning to understand. Yet, I wasn’t. I don’t understand anything.

I wanted to know what you were. And researched and saw that darkness is a lack of light, not an entity of its own. Which would transfer to understanding what you are. Yet you’ve thrown that understanding away.

He ended his life. He lived across the road from her. He ended his life. Darkness became an entity of it’s own. He’ll never see that life could’ve been a beautiful place. You took that away from him.

Who, what, are you? What is an infinity that allows darkness to reign if not the darkness too? I wanted a connection with you. I was upset that I wasn’t tuning into your reality constantly. Why did I care? Do I even want to tune into your reality? What is your reality? Who are you? What are you? How, how, how?

How can you allow this? Who are you that you allow it? Do you allow it or create it? Is there even a difference? Does it make a difference if you just allow it versus creating it? Is a person who stands by watching a murder without doing anything any less of a murderer than the person committing the act?

Who are you? What are you? Why? Why? How can you allow it? How can you make darkness so intense? Why? And what does this mean to our now nonexistent relationship? Do I want a relationship with a/an infinity/god/source that puts such reality in existence?

How? How does it make sense? Why? Why is it fair? How? How can you do it? Why? Why does this happen?

I don’t know what more to say. I don’t know how to make sense of it or what this says about you, the being I was trying to understand and connect to. Do I want that connection? Do I care? How do I even know? It just hurts so much. That he will never get a chance to see another sunrise. He will never hear his heart beat. Because you destroyed that. If you’re the infinity, you took that away. If you could take his life away before he’d lived it, does that mean you don’t value life?

I can’t write to you anymore for I don’t understand anything and am going around in circles.



29 thoughts on “Letter to god. Part 9

  1. “How can you allow it ?”

    Reframing the question,
    why would God worry about destruction when he has the power to create ?

    Do we worry about breaking a toy if we know we can buy another whenever we want ?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Remembering that God is all-powerful and sees all things including our thoughts – could He fix all the problems and stop people taking their lives and doing bad things? Of course He could but He would have to stop all of us doing and thinking bad things. If God did that we would have no free will and we wouldn’t love a Gods who controlled us that much. I have had lots of horrible things happen in my life but I have never given up believing in the Lord, He had saved my life many times and done miracles also. He is a loving God, we just need to have faith in Him.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. God gave us a free will. We can make all of our own decisions. And this is one of the greatest gifts we are given, but also the hardest. I don’t know anything about the person you mentioned who took their life, but that person had a free will just like you and I. And God will never revoke our free wills, no matter how harmful it is to ourselves. It’s part of our humanity. Any of the darkness, the evil, the disgusting things that happen in the world are the result of humans making the decision to follow their own wills and not the will of God and their conscience. God takes no part in these doings, rather he waits for us to cry out to him so that he can assist us.
    I’m really sorry about what happened to that person and to you. I can’t even imagine how effecting it would be. I hope your search for God will lead you to peace.
    power to the local dreamer ||-//

    Liked by 3 people

  4. There is always light just after the darkness. Sometimes there is no answer to the mysteries of life, even if you have a faith. I find it helps to take solace in the tangible beauty of life – parks, pets, wildlife, family. Whatever makes you feel better. K x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I think you’ve asked the questions so many must struggle with. I actually don’t believe in a God, but I’d be asking the same things, I can’t understand it, the way I see it is that there’s seemingly no rhyme or reason for what happens, no justice or fairness, it just ‘is’. I wish there were answers to heal your soul, but maybe you can find your own answers..? xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for passing by Caz….
      I don’t know if there are answers. My rabbi asked me what happens if there is such a thing as gilgulim – that he can come back again (which I don’t know if I believe in or not, but if it’s possible it answers some)

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Many great comments here already.
    1. I’m sorry it turned out this way.
    2. Unfortunately, it was the person’s choice.
    3. THE plan is often too grand for us to see. Sometimes we see it much later in life. Maybe it’s a great reminder to you – to be grateful for the light and to not fall into the darkness.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. All of us get lost so often and my heart goes out to you and your friend.
    Paramahansa Yogananda says: Life is sweet and death a dream; Health is sweet and sickness a dream ….
    There is no way we can ever understand God with our minds and our senses. He can only be experienced. Meditation- Single cure for all human suffering.
    Pls don’t take life so seriously. It is Joke, a Reality Show.
    It is His Show and He knows what he is doing.
    Love and blessings

    Liked by 1 person

  8. God has his ways of making us realize things we don’t want to remember… He sends us signals through the oddest of all ways… sometimes we need to get lost just so we could find ourselves…

    Liked by 1 person

  9. It is unfortunate and now you will have more time to dwell on it now that you are out of your regular routine of work – try not to dwell on the sadness and enormity of it Eliza – he may have wanted to be in a happier place and there was no stopping him to get there. (((hugs)))

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your last paragraph reminded me of the song I’m still here.

      It doesn’t help me any for I don’t believe in christianity, it does help me to see your positivity. You write well.

      Suicide is never unforgivable. The only time it isn’t forgivable is when a person is in no pain and makes a 100% logical decision to end their life, which is not the case of any suicide today (in days gone by, a jew who died through suicide was buried in a separate part of the cemetery, not so nowadays).

      Nothing is ever unforgivable. Even if you ever spoke against anything, my question to you would be- did you have an understanding of what you were speaking against? There isn’t anything, ever, that can’t be forgiven.

      Love, light and glitter


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