Why did you buy cocodamol?

I want it. (Stamps imaginary foot in head)

You’re allowed to want it

I’m not.

You’re allowed to want everything Eliza. Literally everything.

I’m not

Eliza, you’re allowed to want everything.

I can’t.

What can’t you?

Be.

Okay. You can though.

Not.

Am I going to change your mind?

You can’t. It’s a fact.

It’s a belief Eliza. Not a fact. A belief you know to be truth. A belief I know to be false. It’s a belief. That I’m not going to change today.

Okay.

What do you want?

To be.

And you think you can’t.

I know I can’t.

So you want it and believe you can’t have it. What does that do?

The ever present contradiction.

Both can be true.

I think I know that.

So why did you buy cocodamol?

Coz I wanted to, and I wanted to say yes rather than all the constant no’s.

What are the ‘no’s?

To self harming. I want to self harm. And I’m not.

Well done Eliza.

You don’t get to say that.

Why not?

Coz’ I’m not for you. I don’t want to hear anything from you about it; it just makes me angry and frustrated.

Okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were either angry or frustrated.

I’m not.

Huh?

I’m not angry or frustrated.

So what are you?

I hate you.

You’re allowed to hate me.

Resentful

You’re resentful?

I resent you. I hate you. I’m angry with/at you. I’m frustrated with you. I’m not angry or frustrated in general.

Okay. I love you Eliza. Can I ask you why?

Coz’ I’m being good for you.

What does ‘good’ mean?

I’m staying in the light and not engaging much in the dark. Coz’ that’s what you want.

So you hate me coz’ you’re giving it to me?

Yes.

What do you want?

To live my life the way I want to live it.

How do you want to live it?

With the force of destruction

Why?

Coz’ that’s what I deserve. That’s what I know. That’s where reality is. Not in your world of fluffy pink clouds.

You do sound annoyed. Eliza, remember that you’re allowed to want anything. If you will tell me one of all the things you want, can you tell me one? What is one thing you want?

Destruction

Can you describe to me one thing – what you want to do?

Take a candle and light it and do 2 things with it. I’d need 3 hands for it. I’d want to use the flame to burn my arms. Let the flame burn the skin, and let the wax drip elsewhere. It’d have to be not the typical candles we have at home but candles that the wax remains hot and hurts and burns when it touches the skin for the candles at home don’t do that. I’d cover one arm from shoulder to wrist with wax and the other arm from shoulder to wrist would be burned so that all the skin is shrivelled and melted.

Thank you for sharing that. Out of 10 how much do you want it?

10.

So what is stopping you?

You.

Eliza, I’m not the only thing stopping you. What else is stopping you?

It is also you. But, I want to believe in you.

What do you want to believe?

I kinda do believe. In hope. In life. In possibility. In choosing a life. In creating a life for myself. I just, I can’t.

What can’t you?

I can’t create a life for myself.

You don’t have to.

I want to.

You don’t have you yet. You’ve got time Eliza. All the time in the world. You’ll get there one day.

After I’ve destroyed myself/

Why don’t you want to destroy yourself?

I want to see all that can be.

You deserve to see all that can be.

I don’t.

I believe you do and I’m allowed to believe whatever I want to believe.

Are you okay Eliza?

Yeah. Just tired. (calmer and okay)

I love you. You’re always worth it and I’m always with you. Love you….

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17 thoughts on “Dialogue with myself (Trigger warning – self harm)

  1. There is so much I would like to say to this but I will begin with – sometimes in our lives we have to fall apart, having the pieces scattered asunder, thinking we are lost and truly hopeless, that is when we can turn around, start gathering up the shattered pieces of ourselves, on at a time, it can take time, changes are not always fast, one piece at a time, remaking yourself, to who you want to be, who you want to see, one tiny piece at a time.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. The remaking yourself is kinda what I feel like I’m doing. Taking the pieces of my life, choosing what I want to keep and what I want to discard. Sometimes I hate it, most the time, I love that this is what I’m doing even if I may hate it. I’m grateful that I get to choose and get to define what my life is going to be.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I am glad to know that. You are truly the only one who can define what life will or will not be for yourself. Yes outside sources do influence. Ultimately though it is our choice. Keep picking up those pieces in your own time. Place them where You see they should fit.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you for sharing… Incredible how really hearing and accepting what the destructive voice is saying rather than just shutting it out is soothing and, in the end, leads to a calmer state. Respect and love… xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, definitely. It’s one of the most contradictory things I’ve learned, and helps me a lot. Facing it lets me acknowledge and accept it rather than fighting something unknown. Sometimes I draw what I want to do, or write it out in incredible detail (it’d be way too triggering for others to put it on here), and still am surprised at how helpful it is.
      Love, light and glitter E, thanks for passing by…

      Liked by 1 person

        1. That’s really nice of you to say….
          I’d love that. That’s what I want my site to do – to help others. Though only some of the posts are such…
          Love, light and glitter

          Liked by 1 person

              1. I just wanted to let you know that I did pass on this blog, as I said I would. The response was that ‘that is the kind of thoughts I’ve been having these past few days’. Today though, her gloom is lifting… I wonder whether it could be partly because she knows she is not the only one. xx

                Liked by 1 person

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