I don’t have anything to write. It doesn’t help that I understand what is going on and why, it doesn’t make it easier. I just want it to stop. And I can’t stop it. I can’t make myself believe I’m worth it, however much I know it. I can’t change what my life was or how it taught me to know I’m guilty for existing. I can learn it’s not so, it’s not reality, I cant change how much trying to act on my life hurts and makes me want to destroy myself. Doing good brings up all the subconscious beliefs that have run my life until now. Acting against it makes me fight. I’m tired of how much I want to destroy myself and self harm. It wasn’t so intense when I wasn’t trying to create my own life.

Rant over.

Edit: I know that so long as I don’t actually mess up in any way it’ll pass and I’ll be okay. I know that my reaction makes sense even though that doesn’t help any. When I was telling my friend the other night what was going on she told me she thinks its something or another can’t recall the official term for it. I found it funny as she explained how I would then react, for yeah I know, I’m living with it. Just finished reading a book and heading to sleep. Here’s to keeping to good things and staying away from the negative. And hopefully if it doesn’t pass soon will figure out what to do then.

20 thoughts on “.

  1. “Everything will be ok in the end and if it’s not ok, it’s not the end.” Saw that on a necklace the other day and it kinda resonated. I hope things only get better from here … keep us updated and never be afraid to rant it all out.
    power to the local dreamer ||-//

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I love that quote. Reminds me of the bracelet I used to wear ‘my story isn’t over yet’.
      It will be okay. The struggle comes from somewhere good, believe it or not, so if I get through it without messing up, it’ll just be the good without the bad.
      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Aw hold on, things will definitely get better! I’m prone to depressive thoughts myself and sometimes it’s so hard to pull yourself out of it. But you seem hopeful so you’re 10 steps ahead already ! ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

        1. Spent a couple hours yesterday just outside in the grass pictures- till I moved and realised I was cold. It was so peaceful just lying in the grass doing nothing. Didn’t have anything with me and the friend I was with was playing on her phone.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Yes, it is peaceful like that sometimes, just out in nature and enjoying it and drinking up the sunshine (until you got cold). Our grass, which was so lush up to a week ago, is suddenly getting brownish from a week of hot weather and sun beating down on it as well. The grass is not “crispy” yet – that comes in August. 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Your grass gets crispy? Last summer it turned brown here but that’s really rare as it pretty much always rains. The grass needs water too. I wanted to go again but is no fun alone. Hopefully it’ll be nice again tomorrow

              Liked by 1 person

              1. Yes, crispy so much that you can hear it crunch under your feet – when it gets like that I’ll take a picture to show you. I would not have thought it possible to get that way so quickly after all the rain we have had.

                Liked by 1 person

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