The world is an awesome place to me.

I’m exhausted at the moment. Completely exhausted. Just been busy (and not sleeping much). But it’s all good. The world feels like a good place. I’ve been writing out the letters to myself. I wrote out the one from a few weeks ago, and, I was so overwhelmed and sad. I sounded overwhelmed and sad I mean. It was strange to reread it, to see how ‘much’ the world was for me then. Strange because I recall the last month as being a really okay month. I recall the time before I went away as being okay. Well all the time except the bit when packing (I freaked out when I was packing, I mean the not breathing, shaking for hours kinda freaking out). So it’s strange to read something that expresses me as that overwhelmed.

I’m grateful. I love what is. I was also reading another letter I wrote to myself, in which I was saying about making a life for myself. I know I’ve written about it here before. Whether I believe I’m allowed to want for myself. It’s awesome to see how much it’s shifted. How much I’m beginning to believe I can. Well yeah, beginning, but it seems possible, it seems doable. I feel like maybe I’m allowed to design a life for myself. Maybe I’m allowed to want. Maybe I’ll be able to choose what I want for myself and live with what I want for myself. I don’t know what I want. I guess that is, at the moment, what it’s about. Finding out who this Eliza is. Finding out what I actually want. Getting to know myself. I know lots. And I know so little. So much of my life is about others. It’s always had to be about others. I know, as I’ve said before, I’ll go to the other extreme of being really selfish, and, it’s okay. I’m curious. I wonder what my life is going to be like. I wonder where my life will lead me.

Something for really another blog post, but which I’m going to include here. Touch. I want touch. I want to touch people. I want to be touched. Lol, not by my family or workmates. I saw my friend today and the one thing I wanted was to hold her, for her to hold me. I couldn’t ask her for it. Actually, just before she left I told her that I want a girl or boy friend, for I want touch. I don’t know how to describe just how major that is. That I actually want touch. There are, according to I can’t remember whom, 5 primarily love languages. I think that one of my primary love languages is touch. It’s something that anyone who knows me will laugh about. I’m the person who has been really rude and stepped back from hugs. I’m the person who freaks when people touch me. I’m the person who made a fool of myself asking my boss not to tap me on my shoulder yet again (she’d done it 3 times!!!!!!!).. I still freak. I still can’t handle touch from a lot of people. Yet, I want touch. Which, is so very major.

I’m completely exhausted at the moment. The world is an awesome place. I had a great time when I was away. I was busy every moment. I had no time to myself. I was extremely overwhelmed. I loved it. I’d ideally give myself more space, but I’d do it again. When I was away I was whatsapping a friend. I must have been in pain because her response to me was that it’s so hard to be in pain because it must be a major trigger for using. Something like that. Which in reality is really intuitive of her. Pain is usually more than a major trigger. Pain is something that brings me to thought spiral – some of the thought spirals being entertaining, like, you know that if my period starts I’m going to kill myself? Noticing the spirals and how far I go can really be humorous. She said it’d be a trigger. And my thought to that was just ‘huh’? It’s so not. It wasn’t a trigger. At all. I was away. The thought of using didn’t cross my mind at all. I can’t really take over the counter painkillers. To be honest, other than for using and OD’ing constantly, I’ve rarely used painkillers. I’ve been in agony and haven’t used painkillers. I don’t theoretically enjoy numbing myself. The point of using is only to use. It was cool to notice. How I just hadn’t even put the two together. I was in pain, and hadn’t thought about using at all. It didn’t cross my mind.

And I’ve really been rambling.

Oh, something else I’d love thoughts on. My other blog – elizareasonstolive.com – has a number of LTM’s (letters to myself). I’d post a couple of them, and unsure whether to post them here or there. Of course I’d love thoughts.

I left this post when I had to run out. It’s strange how fast a good mood can shift. I’m resentful. More like frustrated and tired by some miscommunication. I called someone and gave details, they were meant to call me back, I waited for a couple of hours before calling, turns out they didn’t as they didn’t realise I was able to do it (I had power or whatever the word is, which, I did, that it was in my authority), so I’d waited for a couple of hours, wasting time, and now I’m exhausted, because I wasn’t even able to finish what I started and it’s late. Something I have to realise, and know, well which I know somewhat, is that I can be sad and mad and awesome at the same time. I can be exhausted and frustrated with what happened and completely okay. And I can still head to sleep now, even if I’m heading up later than planned. And whatever is meant to be will be regardless. The duality can coexist (in my world of black and white thinking I find it really hard to see how both can be there at once. It just, isn’t. Though my world is a constant contradiction often enough. I’m trying to let it be both).

Love, light and glitter

Peace unto you all…… What am I rambling about?

Eliza

19 thoughts on “Rambling update 497. Awesomeness. The world. Life

  1. Touching is good, so is hugging – it shows we are human. My family was not really demonstrative. I can’t ever recall seeing my parents hug or kiss one another. I felt loved, but we did not go around hugging each other to be honest. I’m not a person who likes contact either. I kind of bristle from it actually – so I “get” you telling your boss that. I thought it was just me … I’m big on virtual hugs though. 🙂 ((( hugs )))

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      1. Yes it is 🙂 I have wanted to tell you this all week and remembered today (we had a beautiful day today, blue skies – even the sun). Last week while you were gone, I got some pictures of two contrails. They crossed the sky like an “X” … very cool. I have been collecting some different pictures at the Park and I’ll use it and maybe call the post “X marks the spot” or “Look up, look down and all around” … not quite sure yet. Had to share as you and I were just discussing contrails a few weeks ago.

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          1. My day yesterday was not too fun – wait til you read the post Eliza … you will be shaking your head. I didn’t post until later yesterday. I could just “taste” that day away and it didn’t go well. At least today is nice – but I feel I must do some “adulting” and go outside and deal with the yard.

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            1. I was really annoyed for you. I was also glad it wasn’t scary as it could’ve been
              How was your garden work today? Was it okay giving up your day? Could you still get a short walk?
              Sending hugs and glitter

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              1. Yes, it was annoying and happy that it did not cause more damage. No, I totally skipped the walk yesterday to work outside earlier in the day – as it was I got sunburned as I thought I was enough in the shade, but it must have been that strong sun early in the morning … I hope to recoup the walk next week. Also, no walk this morning – weatherman predicted storms from dawn to dusk … it is fine out there now, but grrrr … missed a walk as I listened to them. Sending hugs and glitter back to you Eliza!

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                1. Good for you for doing the work! It’s annoying to miss a walk because of weathermen :(.
                  I hope you’ve got aftersun…… and that you didn’t get too badly burned…
                  Love, light and glitter!!

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                  1. Well I heard the 7:00 p.m. news and they said by 8:00 p.m. tonight we’re finally getting the rain/storm downtown and in our area. There is a huge fireworks show downtown and they were debating earlier whether to cancel it or not … thousands of people come down to watch the fireworks so it is a big thing if they end up cancelling them. Nope, just my nose and back of my neck burned … I usually wear a shirt outside as I turn up the collar. My dresser drawer lost its handle last week – it fell off and I can’t figure out how to put it back in – no hinges … just a square hole to put the handle in??? My dresser has lots of drawers but they are kind of useless as they are so shallow. This was at least a deep drawer … but now I can’t get in there for now. Have to find an square wrench to get in. Love light and glitter back at you Eliza!

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                    1. Oh I am here late – we are getting ready for a hearing on Friday … I would not have been so late, but I had to deal with the car, managed a four-mile, then dealt with the new door and the installer (Joe) … and the neighbor (gave him the metal, as he is a scrapper). Made me later than usual getting here. I could not have this much going on all the time I gotta tell you that. I still have to pick up my car (hopefully this week), dentist appointment and handyman coming for his Spring chores all day Friday. He is washing the house with a mildew remover as we have had so much rain, the mildew is starting to form on the siding and bricks. And gutters and some other small things he does every year. Handyman is very nice – I had another one, my mom and I did, for years and years, and after my mom died, he doubled his fee for everything and started asking me for money all the time and got very combative. Had to get rid of him and it took me a good 4 years to find someone new.

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                    2. Dropped off the car yesterday morning at 8:00 a.m. when they opened. Talked to the manager of the shop – he says maybe they can buff it out if the gouge did not go through the clear coat. He was not sure. This is a family-owned business and each brother in the family owns a car-related business. So they have one guy owns the general car repair place (where I was yesterday), another owns a bump/paint shop, one owns an alignment shop (we have a lot of potholes in our Michigan roads) and the last brother owns a used-car place. So I also wanted a new battery and the passenger door is messed up. All of a sudden you can’t get into it unless you do it from the inside. I never have anyone in the car with me but in the event of an accident … have to be thinking of stuff like that. And I noticed a squeaky noise when backing out of the garage slowly. My car will be ten years old this September but it only has 6,200 miles on it – a baby! It’s never had any trouble except I get a battery every four years and have a battery trickle charger on it 24/7/365 since I don’t drive it enough.
                      We have a rainy weekend – I told him if he has to keep it over the weekend, I’m fine with it … we have a classic car cruise on Saturday … it runs through several cities, among them ours. Alot of the classic car owners take their cars to this place as the owner and manager have classic cars. I figured if they have to keep it over, it’s fine with me … I have nowhere to need to go to except the dentist and that is a walkable trip. Next weekend is our 4th of July holiday, so I hope the weather is better … nothing like our beautiful weather last weekend though. I looked ahead but the weatherman is often wrong! How about Gramps for that squirrel? Not to disparage all men with big-time receding hairlines … my father and grandfather had hair like that … 🙂 I hope I can get a few posts written if it is a rainy weekend. I did not even go to Reader lasdt night. My boss may be out of the office a good chunk of today but I have some accounting work I need to do, then maybe catch up a bit. Have a good day Eliza – half your day is over with already. We have a very warm and sticky day on tap, from now through the weekend. That is why days like last weekend with no humidity and lower temps were to be savored.

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                    3. Gramps is a nice name.
                      Thanks for explaining about your car. Yup. I hear. Will be hopefully sooner rather than later.
                      Does working mean you’ve configured your laptop? Not that I remember exactly what you still had to do to it…
                      Lotsa glitter:)

                      Liked by 1 person

                    4. I may not use Gramps though as it may offend someone … I don’t want to do that as some people may be sensitive about their hair loss. My father had a toupee and it looked bad and he wanted to wear it on the weekend. My mom told him it looked like a little animal on top of his head (it did and my mom pulled no punches). My father and I had the same hair color and he wanted me to cut my hair off and give it to him for a human hair toupee.
                      I did not do that. Yes, I never heard, though I said I had some wiggle room (maybe a mistake). The laptop is ready to go, but he has to add something so that I can remote all the way into my actual desktop. Right now I can only get into web-based e-mail. I should be able to go to my desktop just like I was sitting there and access company files, accounting, etc. He is supposed to remote into that computer from his home/office and set it up … he has still not delivered the other laptop to my boss. I asked my boss today –
                      he paid the computer guy back in March I am still using Windows 7 here. Lotsa glitter back at you. 🙂

                      Liked by 1 person

                    5. It’s a good reason not to call him that. Looking forward to hearing the name you do choose…
                      Your computer saga is entertaining. So long as they don’t need you to be able to remote, it’s their issue either way. Is it disturbing for you not to yet start on windows 10? I hope you’ve enjoyed playing around on it…

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                    6. I can still remote in on Windows 7 all the way to my desktop – but Ron still has to finish configuring the new laptop sometime before January 2020 when they phase out Windows 10.

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