I was journaling and came on here to write this post. I’m grateful for this, because when I journal I just write whatever comes to mind, and see what it says. When I write on here it’s more focused. Just the way I am.

Judaism. What I think.

I don’t know what I believe about Judaism. As in whether I believe it’s true or not. It’s something I’m finally ready to work through. I know I wrote about it in a lot more detail when I was wondering whether to work it through or not. By now I know that yes. I was wondering whether to work through what I believe since I know that the choices knowing what I believe will lead me to could really hurt others. In the past I would’ve thought that if that’s my choice, to live without religion, I’d kill myself first. In order not to hurt those people. By now I know different. By now I also know, however hard it is to implement, that my life is mine to live. That I get to choose. Actually, my goal for this year was exactly that. To choose. To take responsibility for my life.

Judaism. Before I wanted to work through whether Judaism is true or not I had to know what I thought about the world and god. Do I believe in a god? Judaism can only be true if a, there is a god/higher power/source (it makes no difference what word is used there) and b, if the world is created. I didn’t know what I’d decide. It’s not so much about deciding, as coming to know.

I believe the world is created. In a nutshell I believe so because this physical world has been proved to be finite – starting with the big bang and ever-expanding (the question there would be does it collapse and start again and collapse in a never ending cycle, which has been shown otherwise since there’s not enough matter). If the world is finite there must be infinity somewhere. For finite cannot exist on its own, has to have started from something.

I personally call this infinity exactly that ‘infinity’ or the infinite. Sometimes god. Sometimes source. It makes no difference to me what I call it for the words themselves don’t hold any connotations to me (however the word ‘hashem’ the jewish word for god translating into ‘the name’ holds plenty of connotations to me, and is definitely not something I’d use – at the moment?, in the way that ‘god’ would for most people).

If this infinity exists, then everything finite has to be an expression of the infinite. The question then is how bad exists – does that mean the infinite is bad? My understanding of that is that it exists through limit. The same way the world exists. There has to be limit. Limit which allows darkness. Limit which allows evil. I haven’t worked through though what I believe about this infinite power. Rather, I have. I know logically what I believe. I haven’t worked it through emotionally. I’m not about to at the moment. Since what I believe is a direct translation of my view of being here. That this infinite power is selfish to have created the world. The creation of the world has to be in order to give. Because an infinite being can’t need anything. Can’t lack anything. Creation has to be about giving. Giving in my eyes is selfish. The same way someone who has a child is selfish in my eyes. I’m only going to work through whether I think it was a selfless or selfish act when I can honestly say I’m so glad I’m here.

So I believe there’s an infinity. I believe therefore that the world is created. How does Judaism fit into this? I have a view on Judaism although I don’t know if it’s true or not. I have a view on Judaism although I haven’t worked through whether it can be true.

My view on Judaism, on what the torah says to do or not to do, is that this is all an expression of the infinite. Any finite being is going to want to connect to its source. If Judaism is true than the torah is saying: This is truth – this is reality – this is what makes you like the infinite. Be infinite like. Be god like. Do this by acting in ways that are reality. Because like everything in the world has traits. By defining the infinite we’ll have traits. Doing, or not doing, anything is about connection. About being like the infinite and connecting. Making yourself infinite like will make you more a part of the infinite.

My understanding then of what they say is hell or heaven – if there is an afterlife – is the same. That you’ve connected or disconnected as much as you did, and you’re living seeing how connected or disconnected you are. You’ll experience as much connection or disconnection as you created.

My view on Judaism is that it’s about love. And connection. I know not everyone acts with that. It’s what I know.

I want to connect to this infinity regardless if judaism, or any religion, is true or not. I want truth. I want knowledge. I don’t know whether Judaism is true or not. I wonder what I’ll find out.

I’m hoping to go to a day seminar on Judaism. Where principles of judaism are explored and argued about. I don’t know what it’ll be like. I wonder. I wonder if I’ll spend the day and say afterwards ‘this is all a bunch of lies’. I wonder if I’ll spend the day and say ‘this makes logical sense’. I wonder if I’ll spend the day and come out with anything. I don’t know if it’ll help me to work through whether Judaism is or isn’t true. I wonder. I’ll see then what happens.

I really want to know whether the torah was giving to the jews on mount sinai or not. It actually doesn’t mean that it’ll translate into my life. Because even if it’s true, I get to choose. I get to choose whether I act upon what I know or not. Well, to an extent I get to choose :). I’d rather find out that it’s true then that it’s a bunch of lies. Because I don’t want to hurt people. That’s the reason I waited until now to work it through. The main reason it doesn’t mean it’ll translate into anything is because following for lack of a better word Judaism is about a few different things. The primary is ‘is it true’. After that there’s a lot more. Such as ‘Do I care about what an infinity/god said is truth? Do I care to follow what this infinity said?’ Such as working through my view of Judaism. I’ve a logical understanding of what it would be about. And an emotional connection, or an emotional involvement that isn’t as healthy. It’d be about disconnecting what I know to be reality from all those who aren’t reality, who propagate an agenda without knowing what/why. Who live with falsehoods. There’d be a heck of a lot of separating to do. Before I’d really live with it. Actually, I don’t know. I don’t know what I’ll think if I decide it’s true. And I don’t need to know. For I’ll handle it then. I’ll deal with whatever it is then.

I believe Judaism is meant to be about love, and connection. I don’t know whether I will or won’t believe in Judaism once I’ve worked it through. I guess I’ll find that out. I’m actually really looking forward to coming to the end. I know, I know, it won’t take me a couple of days. It took me over a year to work through what I believe about the world. It took me as long to work through what I think about god enough that I actually am okay with working through what I believe because I had to work through my relationship enough to want to know what an infinity has to say – if the infinity has given any message over. I believe that the entire world is a message. Is a map of the infinite. That everything can be studied to learn what infinity is about. I’m looking forward to knowing what I know. I’m looking forward to knowing. To being able to make choices based on that knowledge. There are things now that I’m just not choosing. There are things I’m not doing. Because first, I need to know. I don’t want to do something and regret it later. I don’t want to make life choices now and regret them further along the line. So I’m not making those choices. Those choices I really want to have. I’m looking forward. To this seminar. To working through what I believe. To knowing. To seeing what life can be.

This post feels so disconnected to me, it’s like, so external and I don’t feel like it really expresses any of what I mean.