I’m in tears. That’s actually a good thing. A good thing coz’ it means I’m living with what is. I don’t know why I’m crying. Just, sad. Feeling overwhelmed and really alone. Was thinking earlier about people. I wrote some of it down. I wonder if I’m crazy. It’s not that. I don’t wonder that. Well I do too. But it’s, I wonder if there’s something wrong with me in that, everyone I know, they get to know people, they get closer, and they build a real relationship. Somehow with me, I get to know people, I get closer, and as soon as it gets to a certain point, I don’t know what the line is, then sometimes it stays there, at that closeness for a bit, or it doesn’t, and then it goes. Either it completely fizzles out. The relationship. Or it just lessens.

At work, my workmates are friends with one another. I work in 2 different places. Well it’s the same but the people I work with are 2 different groups of people. One group of people, the workmates have worked as long as or less than me, and they’re now all friends with one another. They sit outside with each other in their breaks. Call each other. Get together. In my other workplace it’s the same. The first place, I wouldn’t necessarily want to be friends with them. Most of them are not on my wavelength. With my other workplace I’d love to be a part. I’m just not. It’s with anyone. And everyone. People I’ve met online. People I’ve met in real life. And, I don’t know anymore. I see the people together and it just makes me feel so alone. I know I’ve written about it before. And I know that some of the distance must come from me, else it wouldn’t be with everyone all the time.

I’m grateful for my friends. Thing is that with my friends I didn’t do anything to become friends with them. Most of them it just happened. I don’t even know how. Not all my friendships lasted, but that was/is circumstantial. Most my friends are as loyal as I am. And although my friends have changed, I’m thinking of one of my friends who was always insecure, I’m not sure how our relationship lasted. I don’t know how they became my friends. I wouldn’t know how to translate that knowledge to these aquaintances. It’s not even that I need them to be my friends. some of them I’d love to be friends with. The people I used to be close to. Who I still care so much about. Who’ve just moved on and are now friends, good friends with other people. Who I know it must be me, and, I don’t know what/how.

I know some of it is me because of R and SE. I went away with them a couple of years ago. When I looked at the pictures I was sad. I was sad at the pictures. For it showed our relationship. The pictures has R and SE next to each other, heads together, and after a space there was me. It wasn’t even me who was away from them. My head would be straight, I’d be standing straight in the pictures, whereas the middle person would be leaning away from me towards the other end person. I blamed them for it. I knew they were closer and knew it was them, that they weren’t interested in me. As I began living more in the real world, I became more a part of them. When we went away a few months ago the pictures now were different. In some of the pictures of the 3 of us, there was still that gap – though nowhere near as much. In others there was a lot less of the gap. When we went away in the past, they’d be walking together as I lagged behind or in front, no matter how hard I tried to be a part of them, I couldn’t be. Now, I was. I am. There is some distance often enough that makes me sad. Yet I know now that the distance is from me. That they want me to be a part of them. And as much as I am a part of them, I will be a part of them. That’s it’s up to me. Some of the distance I can’t bridge. It depends on how present I am. Some of the distance I can bridge. And I do. I spend time with them. I make sure to be with them a lot more. And I am. I’m with them. I’m a part of them.

So now, with all these people. Both in real life and online. I don’t know. The relationship grows until it gets to that line. I don’t know what that line is. And then that’s it. The people I still have what to do with become acquaintances. The rest just disappear. I don’t know what or how. I don’t know how to change it. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I don’t even know if it is or isn’t me. So, I’m sad about it. And I guess I’m allowed to cry about it. It’s good for me to cry. The last time I cried was, I don’t remember when. I don’t know. I really wish there was some way I could make it different. And, I don’t know. I don’t know what’s me and what’s others. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I don’t know how to change it. How to build relationships. How to do it. I wish they’d be interested. I don’t know….

7 thoughts on “Loneliness, distance, I wouldn’t know how to define what I mean.

  1. Well I like being friends with you online Eliza … sometimes we “go live” when we’re here at the same time … that pesky time difference is a pain in the … well you know. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I’m glad you know Eliza. Happy Monday to you too … I am late, late getting here. I had that 5K today and it was just beautiful weather today. Perfect weather day but it comes to a screeching halt as we have a storm coming around 9:00 p.m. and a stormy/rainy week – SMH about this weather, but we have states that have had devastating tornadoes that have leveled entire towns. Wish we had one more day off – it went by so fast! Lotsa glitter to you too. It took me a while to write my post about the 5K or I’d have been here earlier.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I’m looking forward to reading that post.
          I’m sad that your weather keeps being, um, yeah…. I hope the storms pass quickly. I can’t imagine what it would be like to live with the weather you are… I think I’d be terrified…. (((hugs)))
          Happy Tuesday!

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Thanks for the long-distance hugs Eliza. I think I should quit complaining about the weather as tornadoes rocked nearby states of Ohio and Indiana. One died and the devastation just breaks your heart to look at it. The weather is erratic and wild now … climate change is wreaking havoc on our normal weather we had just a few short years ago. Hope I catch you before you are off to ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
            Short week – only three days left to go. Happy Wednesday to you!

            Liked by 1 person

  2. overthinking again … and you dwell in the negative, that would tire most loyal mates.

    Chill, relax, be comfortable and content with who you are. Most people will only be acquaintances, we are blessed if we have enough close friendships as fingers on one hand 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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