Today is a new day.

I haven’t written anything on my blog in a while, for I’m just never sure what to write. There is too much and I always feel like I’m incoherent.

Regarding working through what I believe I’ve decided to go ahead with it. It was interesting, I was reading through my JJ journal – a journal in which I write the thoughts/questions/answers/lectures/comments about what I think, well I sometimes write in it anyways. I saw how I’ve actually worked through some things. I saw how it’s taken me forever, but I’m not uncertain about the same things I was 2 years ago. It was/is good for me to see.

Last night was again one of those nights, the nights you wake up and just don’t sleep. I was listening to this song on repeat.

The lyrics can be found here One more night (for some reason I posted the wrong song)

I’m grateful. I’m doing okay. I don’t know how long this will last but I’m loving it whilst it does. I’m feeling very alone. Other than that, I’m working through what I believe. I’m listening to music. I’m spending time with family. I’m present at work. I’m just, okay. When I want to use, it’s just a thought, not a need. I haven’t needed to use since I last wrote about it. I wrote about it when it’d been 3 days. It’s been a lot longer than 3 days since I really needed to use. As I said, when I think about it, it’s just a thought that I can acknowledge. I’m eating enough – way too much junk too. I’m trying to eat enough real food. I’ve lost weight. Which is cool. If I lose 1.5 kilo more I’ll weigh less than I did after I lost all the weight I did (a couple of years ago I stopped eating).

I saw in one of my old journals when looking through the LTM’s (I’m sure I’ve written before that I’m writing out all my letters to myself) that I wrote in the morning and evening to god, just a short note. I’m doing that now, for a week. I’d like it to become as much a part of my routine as brushing my teeth and reading and writing gratitude lists are (those are the only things I do morning and evening, and I’d love it if that would be added).

I’m speaking to SG2 – one of my friends more. I was really missing her, who I hadn’t spoken to in a really long while. I’ve been speaking to her more. Pretty often. I sometimes feel like I’m driving her crazy, but it’s okay. I’ve been speaking to her about her life, my life, and work. Nothing much, just keeping in touch. I went out with another friend the other day. I’ve been texting another friend a lot more. It’s good.

I’m enjoying it. I can’t say I love life. I can say that my world is looking up. I was thinking about 3 years recently. Of the day recently when I went spiralling as I really didn’t want to be here for that day Actually my world has been spiralling for a few months. Spiralling down. I’m appreciating that it’s not. So I hated the day for I had never thought I’d live to see it. It was confusing to say the least. I was resentful, angry, felt like I was wasting space, the world. You know… I celebrated on a different day. A day I could celebrate life. Which was good. So I’ve been thinking. Of how it was the same that day. Of the day it had been 2 years. How I’m looking forward to writing a 3 years post. How I kinda want to be here for the 3 years date. How it’s a celebration. It’s god. My world’s looking up and I’m enjoying that it is. There are the moments. When I freak out. When I can’t sleep. When I’m always tired. When I’m buying cocodamol. When I’m doodling blood and gore. When I write pages about how I want to destroy myself including gruesome details that if it hadn’t been me writing it, I never could have stood. Those are moments. Moments in time. It’s not my life. I don’t think the part of me that wants me to destroy myself is gone. It’s still there. It’s a very real part of me. It’s not the Eliza that’s living my life. It’s not the part that’s fighting for control. I’m happy to let it be there, and one day figure out what it really wants, and how to serve it’s needs without destruction.

I’m grateful. There’s still often a distance. I feel often as though I’m at a distance. Actually, not at this moment. The moment I’m writing this, it’s the same me writing as the me who’s here, who is present. I don’t actually know how to define what I mean there. If someone could put what I mean into words better than I can I’d love it! I always get stuck trying to define what I mean by distance. By being present. By connection.

I was thinking a bit about the post I wrote, about what this year is going to be about. https://elizareasonstolive.com/one-hundred-and-forty-nine-2019-taking-ownership-of-my-life/. How my world, my life, is my responsibility, and I get to take charge of it. I never used to. It’s a lot of what some of my life was about. I couldn’t take charge. I am. I’m beginning to. Beginning to make a life for myself.

Today is a good day. And I’m grateful for it. For so long as it lasts :).

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29 thoughts on “Today’s a good day”

  2. I haven’t been following your Journey for long, but it seems like you’ve found a bit of peace 🙂 Always keep that with you! Hang onto every little thing that makes you feel warm inside. I hope you have a wonderful day ❤
    power to the local dreamer ||-//

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  3. I think you should blog whenever you feel like it about whatever you like, don’t worry too much about coherence. ” I can say that my world is looking up” – that is a huge thing to say. I can’t say I love life either, but small steps.. gratefulness, feeling a little brighter, that all counts for so much. You’ve got this.  ♥ ♥
    Caz xx

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      1. Catching up a little on things hopefully, and a bit of spring cleaning if I can manage it as the clutter isn’t helping my mental state. I’m tempted to dig out my summer t-shirts from storage but the British weather is so changeable I don’t think I can get rid of all the layers of jumpers for a while longer yet! How about you?xx

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        1. A minute, it’s been awesome here the past few weeks! I’m wearing 2 layers and a jacket, but thin stuff. I hope it stays awesome.
          Did you get to do any clearing? I love it when the surfaces are clear! Read a few books here and spent time with my family (it’s what I do every shabbat)

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          1. I’ve been doing a lot of reading too. What have you been enjoying lately? I seem to be forever reading crime thrillers, can’t get enough of ’em! Just reading ‘Little Darlings’ at the moment, a psych thriller, as another blogger recommended it.
            I did get some cleaning out done, but nowhere near enough. Actually just took a few bags of clothes to charity today, so I feel somewhat productive! Weather here is yuck again.. cold & chucking it down with rain. Boooo! Still nice where you are?xx

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            1. Kids books and adult romance style.
              It’s been grey the past few days. Where’s the sun gone hiding? I hoped the rest of the UK would be nicer, but I guess it isn’t by you….
              Yay you for sorting! Well you must’ve to take the clothes out.
              Sending some sunshine your way. D’ya think it’ll influence the sun?

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        1. I hate that you have to move again. I hope you’re guided to find somewhere super duper awesome, way better than you could have imagined, with all the facilities you need, and just as awesome, if not more, a place.

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          1. haha found it today, so your well wishes worked! Finally found a caravan park that has lovely facilities, in a rural setting but close enough to a large town. Has a real community feel about it as some have lived there for decades and have 3 generations there. Will have to adapt to the busyness of people all about but will be glad to have immediate connection to power and water 🙂

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            1. I’m so glad! I hope it works out amazingly…. I like that there’ll be a community there (though it will be tough getting used to it).
              When will you be moving there?
              Love, light and glitter

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              1. we’ve had super heavy rain so have to wait for the ground to dry out before my tiny home can be pushed and pulled by a digger and a bobcat up this super steep incline I climb each day 🙂

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  6. Gratitude is a good place to start! Sometimes I think back and wonder why it took me so long to figure something out too. I may be slow, but I get there eventually! 🙂

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