I start in the middle of sentences. I’m teaching my students to start at the beginning, yet it’s something I don’t do.

I had a plan for this post. Then another plan. Now another plan. So I’ve no clue yet which of the three I’ll write about.

Last night I was on the phone to someone. She told me that the message she wishes she could give me is to make a life for myself. That I need to make a life for myself. That I’m in torn between wanting to make a life for myself and respect for my father. Well, I’d actually tried to explain that to her (I wrote some of it here) but I could see she hadn’t understood what I’d said. At the end of the conversation she actually did see it – though not from what I’d said. Well, duh.

Make a life for myself. What does that even mean?

I don’t know what I want my life to look like. It was this person I spoke to last night who did energy work a while back on believing that there could be a future for me. Which, actually shifted. I’ve begun to believe that there could be a future. I just can’t figure out what on earth this future is meant to look like.

I was talking to a friend earlier and explaining it to her. That my life never could be about me, it always had to be about others. There are 2 people in particular. The issues with one, I’ve worked through pretty much. I don’t feel the same guilt for living as I used to. I see that in the lack of suicidality. I think the main reason I was suicidal was coz’ I couldn’t live because I’m guilty for being alive. I was explaining to someone earlier how by living I’m taking away from other people. And it’s true. By living I’m hurting people. It’s their issue. Not mine. I know that now. I’ve finally realised that it’s not my issue that others are hurt by my very existence. That my existence challenges others existence and being. It’s theirs. Not mine. I’m trying to disentangle myself from it. I can’t. I can’t just disconnect. I have in minute ways. I’m sometimes able to set boundaries with this person. I’m able to sometimes stand my ground. I just don’t keep in touch with this person although I love this person very much, because I can’t handle the connection. Not until either this person is healthier – enough that my existence isn’t a threat. Or that I can actually disconnect enough not to be drawn in even when in contact – without the contact it has this much of an effect on me. The effect with contact would be multiplied by a thousand.

Make a life for yourself. I know I’ve said it on here before. I couldn’t want anything ever. I’m learning that I can want. I’m learning that I can want and stand my ground. I’m often being selfish. Not doing things just because I don’t want to. Going to the other extreme. There’s a balance, I know. A balance I hope to one day achieve. It was actually written really poignantly in one of the letters I wrote to myself. A balance of being able to give in a way that instead of taking away from my identify, giving is my identity. Giving can be something I choose to do instead of something I have to do. So long as it’s something I have to do, it’s not healthy for me. When it’s something I choose to do, it’s healthy.

I know that I can get to a place where giving is healthy. Sometimes I just don’t say yes, because I can’t be bothered. And it’s okay. It’s a good thing. It’s going to the other extreme, just saying no. But it’s important in building a balance. I do give, too. I’ve built a relationship with my mother. With my mother who taught me that it’s not safe to feel. With my mother who lived in denial about everything her entire life. With my mother who hurt me. With my mother who loved me. With my mother who did her best and taught me that it’s not safe to exist. With my mother who believes her children are there for her sake. I’ve built a relationship with her. I give to her. I talk to her about inconsequential things. I spend time with her. I give to her. I did it for her sake. Now I’m happy with it for my sake. Now that I’ve a relationship with her – on my terms – it’s good for me, too.

Make for yourself a life.

I don’t know how to do that. It’s a very easy thing to say. Make for yourself a life. It’s very hard to believe. That I’m allowed to. Make a life for myself. That I’m allowed to. That I’m able to. Even that I deserve to. I don’t believe it now. It doesn’t matter if I don’t believe it. I can still try to do it. Not that I know how so not that it’s relevant. But it is relevant. I’m dissing it because it’s overwhelming to me. Yet the words will play over in my head.

Something else she said to me was to ‘put it out there’. To put it out there and see what happens. She suggested moving. Moving away so that not at home, not living with others where I can’t learn who I am for fear of hurting them. It isn’t practical in any sense for a multitude of reasons. It’s not that I wouldn’t do it. I couldn’t. If someone were to see to it all for me and hand it to me on a platter it would be a different story. Now is not the time in my life to focus my energy on that. She agreed with me. And told me to put it out there. Let it be a possibility and if it were meant to happen, it could and would. I can’t – and won’t – do anything for it. It doesn’t mean it wouldn’t happen. Asides that her reasons for moving out were primarily about the person I mentioned above, who doesn’t actually live in the same place as I and who I’ve very little contact with. So moving wouldn’t disentangle me from her anymore.

Make a life for yourself.

I’ve gotta believe it’s possible. I think I do believe it’s possible. Even though I don’t see how.

She also gave me the name of someone to look up and call. I’m scared to. I’ve no clue what to say. (Edit: Who I just called and she said she isn’t able to be of any help. It’s a lot easier if I just don’t try.)