Who comes first? I wonder.

Last night, actually 2 days ago, AG texted me that she’d love to go out. AG is someone I was talking about once on here, someone who will ask me to be there when she needs me. Who I will give my time to. The last time I went out with her was less than 2 weeks ago. We were out for 4 hours, she told me enough for me to know that something major had been going on in her life (she was way more free now though, from the sense I got), but she didn’t tell me what. I told her that it’s my issue if it fazes me. She wanted me to know but didn’t want to tell me.

Either way, on Sunday she texted me that she wants to go out. Which means a lot, for it’s not like her to want to go out with me if she just did. I don’t recall why Sunday didn’t work, I told her I could any day this week. Somehow she didn’t understand the message. I told her I could go out yesterday, including the entire evening. She only texted me at 9pm. Explaining why she hadn’t messaged me earlier to arrange a time and asking me if I could help her to tell me what the ‘it’ was all about for she really wanted to talk about it. I called her and told her I’m free tonight (Tuesday). She wanted to come over then, and I told her I’d fall asleep on her. I was exhausted.

That’s the background.

In bed I was thinking, wondering. If I did the right thing. I went to bed because I wanted to, knowing she really wanted to speak to me, and has no one else that she will speak to her. Knowing that if she was reaching out she needed me. I did tell her when I was available, and yes 9.30 is too late for me (it was already half past then) and yes I was exhausted, but was it really the right thing? I thought about if M or S would have asked me to be there for them. I would have been there. It wouldn’t have mattered that I was exhausted. I would have been there for them. If I could’ve done it for M or S I would’ve. So AG isn’t a friend as such. I don’t owe anything to her. So what? I went to bed knowing she wanted to talk to me – I think I only realised after I put down how much she needed it (so I texted her again asking if she wanted to go out, or come over in general and that I’ll try. She didn’t reply. If she had I would’ve asked if half an hour would be any help). No matter. I could’ve offered her to come over – I was too tired to drive or go out. I could’ve been there for her. I wasn’t because I decided that I came first. But, did I really?

Did I come first? Do I? I’m really not sure that I did the right thing and I’m wondering what I would do again. Not so much what I WOULD do in the same situation, but what I SHOULD do.

It’s way too weighted for me to work out on my own, for the backhistory to the question is my attitude in the past, based on my beliefs. I’m writing out letters to myself. The letter I was writing out yesterday was this one
You are not guilty. One of the things I’ve grown up with is guilt for living. Guilt for being. One of the principles underlying my life has always been that I can’t exist for myself, I have to exist for others, what I want is irrelevant (part of why I’ve so little idea now what I ever want, for I was never allowed to want). Another thing I’ve grown up with is shouldering responsibility that is absolutely not mine (and thereby not being able to take on the responsibility that is). It’s taken a really long time, and loads of repetition and patience of others – the same answer every single time I asked whether I should do something that would be detrimental for me for another who wanted it, that I shouldn’t do it, that I came first. I began acting on that – the motto that I come first – even though I knew it was wrong. Even though it was so completely wrong. I went, and sometimes live by, the other extreme. Not doing things for others that I could do just because I don’t want to (it’s not bad for me, and I could do it but I don’t want to).

The backhistory of this is that I wonder how much of this wondering what the right thing to do was is the guilt I would always feel at not giving the other what they want. I don’t know if I feel guilty per se now. I don’t think I do. I think I just wonder. Because sometimes in life the right thing is the thing that isn’t great for you. I’m thinking of when I called S over and asked her to throw away the cocodamol I had on my desk. Which she did. Calling her, I knew I was asking her to do something that wasn’t good for her. Something she’d be able to handle, but that wasn’t good for her, and therefore not good for our relationship either. I did it anyways. She did it anyways. Because in the situation, weighing it up, it was better that I asked her to do it and that she did it for me (there is no question in my mind that if she hadn’t thrown those away and borrowed all the rest I have for the next couple of nights that I would’ve used). Sometimes the right thing isn’t necessarily the best thing. If she said she came first then, it would have been the wrong thing. In general in life, my health has to come first. My well being has to come first. In general in life, I’m living that with the wider world, I still struggle a lot with it with my family and live by either extreme often enough.

AG isn’t in general. She was someone who asked me to be there for her. Who had no one else to ask, no one else that she would speak to in the way she wanted to speak to me and still wants to. I could’ve been there for her. I chose to go to bed coz’ I was exhausted. Not like going to bed helped for I’m virtually always tired – both physically and mentally. It would have taken a lot of my energy to speak to her. I could’ve handled it. I told S I’d be chewing her ear off after I spoke to AG (actually I probably won’t. I’ll probably be calling someone else to let it all go afterwards). I could’ve handled it if I’d decided that she came first. I decided I came first. I wonder though, did I? Do I?